Still this underlying pain which makes me feel not normal...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Jonathan, Jun 20, 2011.

  1. Jonathan

    Jonathan Well-Known Member

    I don't know what it is.

    I can come back on a really good day. - What I mean by a good day is a day where I don't look down on myself or look into past too much and just forget. But when I get back home, it all hits home. Or there is still that underlying thing in my head which doesn't make me feel "normal". I can't describe normal, but just different to the way others think.

    I don't feel suicidal, but I feel pain, anger and distress. I don't know how to describe it. It is like I have a headache everyday, just thinking about something, but I don't know what it is, yet I kind of probably do know what it is about.

    I have a will to live right now. I probably could not have said that 1 month ago. But I also have that underlying feeling of wanting to commit suicide as well, but it is that will to live that keeps me going. I just want to get rid of that pain, anger and sadness. I just want it stop. I have the will to live but I can't get the suicidal feelings out of my head. There are so many things I just want for myself, just so I can be a person who is like just normal. Is that so hard?

    Sometimes I try to go to sleep early so I don't have to think. I guess this is what gives me those suicidal feelings as when I'm in a deep sleep I can't tell what I am thinking.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    hope you are getting some therapy hun the feelings are just that try to acknowlege them and let them go okay. Hugs to you
  3. Jonathan

    Jonathan Well-Known Member

    I have never had therapy in my life and the only medication I have taken just to help is paracetamol.

    I just need to find a real life friend who I can talk this over with until I feel sane. At the moment I feel kind of unstable right now. In the sense I could lose it mentally at any time. I have been this way since I was 14 which is when I first posted on these forums. I just need something in my life that can help me get through this otherwise I probably will have another breakdown this month.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    your right talking does help the thing is a friend is not a professional they don't know how to help a professional will guide you through the suffering a councillor a teacher a priest even all have degrees in helping others they know what to do It is good to have a friend hun but not good to pile on all our problems to them they can 't help us they just don't have the skills
  5. Jonathan

    Jonathan Well-Known Member

    Even if I wanted to get proffesional help, I would not know where to go and I don't want to ask my family let alone tell them the state I am in. So for me that isn't an option...

    Well I have my job interview in 1 hour. I am so nervous right now. All I have thought about was the bad things and some of the goods thing about me. But right now, I can think of more bad things about myself than good.

    I don't even know what the job title is. I don't think I could take the rejection at such a low right now. I don't know what to think... someone come with me...
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You go to your doctor and talk to him or her eveything is kept confidential he or she can help you okay Good luck on your job interview hugs.
  7. Jonathan

    Jonathan Well-Known Member

    Well I got the job as "assistant engineer". It may sound like a fancy job title, but I never really asked about the pay or hours. Really stupid. But whatever the case I knew I was going to get a job, but I'm just worried if I am not good enough. Only reason they hired me is because my mum is like best friends with the boss. (The husband and wife... or the wife mostly who does the finances at this company)

    I just hope this turns out good. I just need to sort out my APRC (Working permit) and I think I will be fine. But if it turns out I don't like the job, then I think the army is the best course to take. Just sign up under my mothers Taiwanese citizenship, then do the required 12 month military service.

    I had a fun time with their son, we went rowing at my local park, that was pretty cool. He's only 8, but he is pretty cool. Even if he can't understand my accent. (He was raised in America)

    But whatever the case, I just hope this turns out good for once in my life. Something good like this will totally change my view on things.

    But I just have this feeling that something bad is going to happen. This is my life. As soon as I find something that I appreciate, like or enjoy; there is always something which gets in the way which ruins things. :/

    I feel bad that I am complaining even though I have been accepted into this job. But I just feel something will come along and just destroy any hope. Just you watch and I will keep you guys updated. Just you watch.
  8. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I think you've got a case of anxiety - lots of it. However, most of us feel anxious in new situations or in ones where we feel we need to kind of prove ourselves. You've got a new job and it stands to reason to be somewhat anxious. Just remember, you've already made a great start by getting the job. Now just take it day by day. One way to make sure you keep doing a great job is to ask for clarification if you don't understand what the boss wants. And update him/her - especially if something could be delayed or if you have more than one thing to do and they're both/all "priorities". It will show you want to do the best job you can and that you're looking at meeting deadlines and managing your time.

    I imagine that as you get settled into the job, some of the anxiety may go away.

    Congratulations on getting the position and good luck with it as it proceeds! :)
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have to start thing positively and not this negative thoughts Positive thoughts will help you succeed Way to go on getting the job hun they would not hire you if you did not have the skills hugs