I don't know what it is. I can come back on a really good day. - What I mean by a good day is a day where I don't look down on myself or look into past too much and just forget. But when I get back home, it all hits home. Or there is still that underlying thing in my head which doesn't make me feel "normal". I can't describe normal, but just different to the way others think. I don't feel suicidal, but I feel pain, anger and distress. I don't know how to describe it. It is like I have a headache everyday, just thinking about something, but I don't know what it is, yet I kind of probably do know what it is about. I have a will to live right now. I probably could not have said that 1 month ago. But I also have that underlying feeling of wanting to commit suicide as well, but it is that will to live that keeps me going. I just want to get rid of that pain, anger and sadness. I just want it stop. I have the will to live but I can't get the suicidal feelings out of my head. There are so many things I just want for myself, just so I can be a person who is like just normal. Is that so hard? Sometimes I try to go to sleep early so I don't have to think. I guess this is what gives me those suicidal feelings as when I'm in a deep sleep I can't tell what I am thinking.