Warning May Trigger! Please be safe and I am sorry! Urrgghhhh - I have tried to stay away, tried to NOT have thoughts, tried to not impact anyone... tried to be happy to be alive... occasionally succeeded. Then out of the blue it hits you like a kick in the stomach,feeling so sick, the pain overwhelming, pain clinic a million lightyears away ( no idea how long waiting list is), awaiting surgery for Biopsy and lumpectomy, trying so hard to not let my children see all that consumes me... So..o..oo..ooo tired, never felt so alone and then something so simple like watching Casualty triggering the daylights out of me. That woman from Crisis team was right... if my probs are circumstantial then no amount of medication is going to change anything as the probs will still be there... I am still here! Hearing my children run to get a bowl, or a glass of water, and saying how sorry they are that I'm so sick is more painful than anything. I wish I had succeeded, I wish I wasn't a burden anymore, wasn't bringing everyone down - the cause of the inexplicable heaviness of atmosphere... Had the most awful triggered night and while children are so excited and happy I am exhausted and just want to die!