Still want to disappear

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by BornFree, Apr 24, 2011.

  1. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Warning May Trigger! Please be safe and I am sorry!

    Urrgghhhh - I have tried to stay away, tried to NOT have thoughts, tried to not impact anyone... tried to be happy to be alive... occasionally succeeded.

    Then out of the blue it hits you like a kick in the stomach,feeling so sick, the pain overwhelming, pain clinic a million lightyears away ( no idea how long waiting list is), awaiting surgery for Biopsy and lumpectomy, trying so hard to not let my children see all that consumes me... tired, never felt so alone and then something so simple like watching Casualty triggering the daylights out of me.

    That woman from Crisis team was right... if my probs are circumstantial then no amount of medication is going to change anything as the probs will still be there... I am still here!

    Hearing my children run to get a bowl, or a glass of water, and saying how sorry they are that I'm so sick is more painful than anything. I wish I had succeeded, I wish I wasn't a burden anymore, wasn't bringing everyone down - the cause of the inexplicable heaviness of atmosphere...

    Had the most awful triggered night and while children are so excited and happy I am exhausted and just want to die!
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 24, 2011
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Now you've got me wondering why I'm on medication, all my problems are circumstantial.

    Sorry you want to disappear :( I certainly know how that feels, I sometimes want the ground to swallow me up.
    Hoping you will feel a little better soon x
  3. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry, I didn't think how someone else may be affected by my post!!
    God I can be so selfish and self centred, sorry!

    I wrote about her comment in my need to try understand...
    meanwhile intellectually I know if meds work the person is stronger and can access resources to deal and cope with circumstances!

    Please don't let my stupid post re that woman's comment affect you, you deserve so much better! I hope your circumstances improve soon. Sending you hugs xx
  4. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    When I started therapy, I was told the medications help take the edge off.. And eventually u can learn to cope with things and slowly be taken off the medications.. I think in that sense it's meant to help short term with circumstances.. But a lot of doctors now just put you on a pill and call it good. They don't ever think about taking you back off them ever again. At least it seems. I was on meds for 3 1/2 years and now have been off since December.. I actually am doing better off of them as I have not had any real serious attempts since then. More SH.. So you can get better and the meds can help you for a while..
  5. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    I actually kind of agree with the crisis teams comments........
    BUT.............. not in that way.
    Yes, meds wont take away memories, loss. heartache etc.
    But what they can do is trick the brain into calmer waters, perhaps giving more space to make repairs?
    This person should be more capable of wording things more clearly.
    Recently i was involved with a woman from a crisis team in the uk, ( not related personally to me) she was harsh, completely lacking in understanding and to be frank, a waste of space.
    When i pointed out to her gently that perhaps she could look at things slightly different, she smirked at me.
    I spoke to the hospital, she has been removed and replaced with another, this time good person.
    Just trying to say something here, i guess.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 24, 2011
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    you're not selfish or self centered, dont worry about it x