Still worthless

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Iain, Dec 18, 2011.

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  1. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    It is a dreadful morning.... all I want to do is die. I cant think of why I am still here. If there was a God surely he would put me out of my misery. I am worthless. I am nothing. I want so badly to just stop living. To stop this dreadful existence. I just want to end it all. Why am I still here? Why do I have to go on living? Why? Why? Why?
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your are NOT worthless to your children hun YOu are their world okay they need you more then anything hugs
     
  3. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    The words do nothing...... I just know inside how useless worthless ugly I am.... If I had any courage I would just stop talking about it and end everything.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOur children do not have words they have action the love you they hold onto you hun okay You look at them and see just how much you mean to them
     
  5. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    I mean nothing to anyone. There is no one. There never will be anyone. The kids will leave. Im just a meal ticket to them. I am worthless

    ---------- Post added at 12:50 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:47 AM ----------

    I hate mornings. When I finally get up the courage, it will be a morning.
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    oh my your depression sure has your thoughts so screwed up of course your children care for you and they do not see you as a meal ticket The will leave when you have given them the skills they need to be independant and strong not until then You need to get some help for you go to hospital call a crisis line but get some therapy hun as you are not seeing anything clear right now.
     
  7. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    The problem is I do see it all clearly. There is this long black tunnel that is my life. There is no light at the end. Only darkness. I dont think I can continue another day of traveling in that darkness. I am a worthless human being. Amongst the billions who are alive now, the billions who have lived and the billions who will live, I am a blot on the landscape. My passing will go unnoticed. My life is unremarkable. No one will mourn me because I am worth nothing. And no matter what anyone says, nothing will ever change any of that. Im sorry. I am so very very sorry.

    ---------- Post added at 01:30 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:29 AM ----------

    I joined this group about 6 or so months ago thinking there might be answers for me. Thinking there might be help. But there are no answers to how I feel right now. There will never by any hope for me.
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    How do you know that there is HOPe there is you do not have a magic ball that sees into the future Many here have been in your shoes may have stated the same words you are stating and the have been proven wrong because their life did get better the light did eventually show itself hope was there and it is there for you but you are in such darkness you cannot see it you donot want to see it. I have been where you are now i have been so close to leaving and now i am glad i waited i now see there are doors that can be opened you have to reach out and open them hun You get the support you need for YOU okay you go to hospital you call for help because you don't know what the future will be you can't know you do not have those powers
     
  9. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    There is no future, there is no hope. There is just the endless toil of being. Why bother?
    This time last year I was so happy. I thought I had the perfect life. Christmas was coming, we were going to go down to my inlaws for Christmas day. Spend Christmas eve in a hotel being romantic.
    In May I took her to New York for a second honey moon. We deserved it after 24 and a half years. It seemed like such a happy time. I felt that life was wonderful. Less than a month after we got back she told me I was despicable and she walked out. It seems that she had been planning this for sometime. It seems that everyone but me knew what was happening.
    I look at those New York photos of her and know that she was lying to me then. She was planning to end it all then. Each photo of us together is a lie.
    My life isnt going to get better. I will never recover from this.I dont want to just exist. There is only blackness.
    For me there is no hope.
    I am and always will be worthless.
    I will always be stupid, ugly, useless.
    There is no future.
    I dont want a future.
    I want peace
    I want my mind to just stop these thoughts
    I want this sadness to stop.
    And it wont
    Not unless I do something to make it stop.
    The only person that can fix this is me.
     
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    That is right YOU can fix this YOU can pick up the phone YOu can call your doctor and get so me help go to hospital get on medication get therapy and get healing so you can move forward hun Stop giving this person so much power over you You can move forward it has been done You have the power to take back your life the one she stole you have that power so call and get the help the support you need NOW to start healing IT CAN BE DONE.
     
  11. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    I can fix it by getting all of my meds and just sleeping for ever
     
  12. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    that won't fix anything but bring more pain to the people left behind that will only cause more harm best you call hospital and go there and get help now
     
  13. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    Going to a hospital, seeing a therapist... talk talk talk. More meds. More wasted time. Nothing is going to get fixed. Sure they put a bandaid on which will stop me for a little while. But it doesnt cure the underlying problem.
     
  14. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    The underlying problem is the way you perceive things the way your thoughts are that is the problem and yes they can fix that They can help you to see that you do matter and that there is a future and hope so again i tell you there is hope i know you don't see it but there is.
     
  15. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    Im going to try and get in and see someone tomorrow. They didnt return my calls today.
    In my heart I know that things are not right. The problem is this person on my shoulder who tells me so often how worthless I am.
    And often that person is the only voice I hear.
    Thankyou Total eclipse for persevering.
     
  16. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi Iain I've just spotted this post..
    I agree with TE and i'm so glad she was here for you and that you're going to go for more help tomorrow..
    6 months isn't that long to overcome your grief for a 24 year marriage Iain..
    please hold on and give yourself more time..

    i understand it's hard especially when she keeps being so cruel to you..
    from reading all your story so far I don't think you're worthless...I'm sad she's made you feel that way about yourself
    you and your children deserve better.

    Christmas is a difficult time for anyone suffering a loss such as yours
    do everything in your power to get through it ....reach out for all the help you need to do that
    It will pass and so usually do those dark thoughts...
    Get through an hour or a minute at a time if you have to and try not to think too far ahead
    but never give up ok
    *hug*
     
  17. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh that is good news hun i am so happy you are going to get an appt to talk to someone I do understand hun i do abandonment christ it hurts and those words you are hearing are not yours hun they are hers okay We all here can see that you are important and you are someone very special Let us know how the appt goes okay make sure you tell your doc everything about your thoughts the suicidal ideation so you can get treatment and therapy You deserve both I persevered because in my heart i know your pain and i know you can get passed it. hugs
     
  18. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    Just letting you know that I made it through another day.... The tears come to my eyes when I see just how compassionate you have been with me. Thankyou
     
  19. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun I am glad the tears are coming out hun let them come okay let the sadness and pain be released Just know hun you are not alone in this battleokay You go make that appt talk to your doctor get on some meds just to help you through the dark spots and get some therapy hun Talk to a professioanl who can guide your through all the pain Hugs to you
     
  20. kote

    kote Account Closed

    ive had that same band aid for nearly 7 years now - i took it off and crashed - i thought i was better but just going through a high period. the crash back down was horrid!!! it doesnt compare to your pain in anyway near - but the band aid helps as well as building up a network of trustworthy people to help at a moments notice. i wish better times for you and a warm place to rest. but try and reach out more - there are more people willing to help than will push you away!!!
     
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