I really don't feel like writing out an explanation. I don't think it would be worth the time or really keep anyone's interest. So instead I'm stealing today's entry from a personal online journal that no one sees. But I share with strangers, mostly because I'm desperate for anything to change my thinking. Sept 30th I'm only using this again because I have no one to which I can express these feelings. I've been battling loneliness to a degree I've never felt before. I think the reality that I'm never going to have the life I thought I would is finally settling in. I came to terms with the insanity of my late teens and early 20's. Dad's health, DUI's and the very real possibility I'd be alone either by nature or his own hand. That I never really "lived" as they say. Having the college experience, which only further crushes my self-esteem and confidence with women. The traveling the world, and realizing how little I knew about the world and life. And the eventual self-discovery that would come from all of this and more. Instead I merely existed in those days, lost in a haze of work and distracting myself. Now that I've really lost interest in those distractions or come to be self-aware of how bad they are for me. I wonder if there is any real truth to the passing of mental defects genetically. I'd still feel like I was passing the blame and not taking responsibility. But I tried anti-depressants, therapy, forced positive thinking, even had exes try constantly to build me up. And nothing worked. Which makes me think nothing can work. People say "you choose to be unhappy" and that you can just decide to improve your mental health. But I wonder if those people really struggled with this black cloud or only think they did. If their problems were inflated and easy overcome, or if they came from a real bad situation but didn't suffer from whatever this mental disease truly is. Now I find myself in a quasi-relationship with someone who lives a distance away and has a very incompatible schedule. Not her fault, she has a daughter after all. It does only remind me of the pathetic state of my romantic history, but that is not her fault or problem. I do wonder if her interest in me is authentic or based from another form of loneliness. She mentions her withdrawing from people, the failed marriage she had, and while it's all in jest (as we've known each other for quite some time) the majority of her comments towards me are put-downs. I don't think I've ever met someone who truly got me. Two came close, one I was really happy with and blew things with because I was to young and too hurt from a previous relationship...and the other put twice as much hurt on me as anyone else I've ever met. Instead I live this very hollow existence, putting up a front of stability on the highest level I've ever had while mentally I'm at my complete worst. The tipping point for me was supposed to be a good night. The woman I'm kinda seeing had only Friday night free and wanted to see me. We went to dinner after she got off work real late and went to watch a movie at her place. She's fairly fidgety, saying that she can't lay still in one position too long. She doesn't seem to ever be really comfortable just laying with me. We went to bed (without sex) and I woke up in the early A.M. hours. I tried to get a little closer and give her a kiss on the forehead. She instinctually recoiled and moved away. I know, it wasn't a conscious decision but still it leaves doubt. I feel so incredibly trapped in my own life. I can't get out of it, I'd hurt others. I can't find respite in work, I hate my job. I can't tell my friends, they don't need the burden and I don't want the embarrassment. I don't have a significant other to tell, and I don't think I ever will. I'm only 32 and yet I feel like my life is over. Not in the physical sense, but in the hope of any significant personal sense.