Stolen from a journal entry.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DanteHicks, Sep 30, 2012.

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  1. DanteHicks

    DanteHicks Member

    I really don't feel like writing out an explanation. I don't think it would be worth the time or really keep anyone's interest. So instead I'm stealing today's entry from a personal online journal that no one sees. But I share with strangers, mostly because I'm desperate for anything to change my thinking.

    Sept 30th
    I'm only using this again because I have no one to which I can express these feelings. I've been battling loneliness to a degree I've never felt before. I think the reality that I'm never going to have the life I thought I would is finally settling in. I came to terms with the insanity of my late teens and early 20's. Dad's health, DUI's and the very real possibility I'd be alone either by nature or his own hand. That I never really "lived" as they say. Having the college experience, which only further crushes my self-esteem and confidence with women. The traveling the world, and realizing how little I knew about the world and life. And the eventual self-discovery that would come from all of this and more. Instead I merely existed in those days, lost in a haze of work and distracting myself. Now that I've really lost interest in those distractions or come to be self-aware of how bad they are for me.

    I wonder if there is any real truth to the passing of mental defects genetically. I'd still feel like I was passing the blame and not taking responsibility. But I tried anti-depressants, therapy, forced positive thinking, even had exes try constantly to build me up. And nothing worked. Which makes me think nothing can work. People say "you choose to be unhappy" and that you can just decide to improve your mental health. But I wonder if those people really struggled with this black cloud or only think they did. If their problems were inflated and easy overcome, or if they came from a real bad situation but didn't suffer from whatever this mental disease truly is.

    Now I find myself in a quasi-relationship with someone who lives a distance away and has a very incompatible schedule. Not her fault, she has a daughter after all. It does only remind me of the pathetic state of my romantic history, but that is not her fault or problem. I do wonder if her interest in me is authentic or based from another form of loneliness. She mentions her withdrawing from people, the failed marriage she had, and while it's all in jest (as we've known each other for quite some time) the majority of her comments towards me are put-downs. I don't think I've ever met someone who truly got me. Two came close, one I was really happy with and blew things with because I was to young and too hurt from a previous relationship...and the other put twice as much hurt on me as anyone else I've ever met. Instead I live this very hollow existence, putting up a front of stability on the highest level I've ever had while mentally I'm at my complete worst.

    The tipping point for me was supposed to be a good night. The woman I'm kinda seeing had only Friday night free and wanted to see me. We went to dinner after she got off work real late and went to watch a movie at her place. She's fairly fidgety, saying that she can't lay still in one position too long. She doesn't seem to ever be really comfortable just laying with me. We went to bed (without sex) and I woke up in the early A.M. hours. I tried to get a little closer and give her a kiss on the forehead. She instinctually recoiled and moved away. I know, it wasn't a conscious decision but still it leaves doubt.

    I feel so incredibly trapped in my own life. I can't get out of it, I'd hurt others. I can't find respite in work, I hate my job. I can't tell my friends, they don't need the burden and I don't want the embarrassment. I don't have a significant other to tell, and I don't think I ever will. I'm only 32 and yet I feel like my life is over. Not in the physical sense, but in the hope of any significant personal sense.
  2. DanteHicks

    DanteHicks Member

    Update: That same feeling came right back this morning when my alarm went off. "This is my existence" I thought; and I'm living it for no one else but myself. Which might sound nice, but it's an empty, meaningless life which I don't even like. Second time in a few days I've thought of suicide upon waking. I want to tell someone, but I can't. Not without forever changing how they look at you. Help.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I just wanted to reply so you knew someone's read what you wrote. I'm really sorry for what you're going through. One thing you said that really bothered me is that the relationship you're in now is made up of a lot of put-dwns on her part, and that isn't fair to you. You don't deserve that.

    Are you positive there's nobody close to you that you can talk to about how you feel? If you're feeling this bad, I doubt they would view it as you burdening them.

    Here if you ever feel like talking.
  4. DanteHicks

    DanteHicks Member

    Thank you so much. Do you prefer to be called by WildCherry or Alison on here? It was nice to see your reply.

    To answer your question, I don't think so. I've made such an effort to be known as the smart ass for years. It's not that they wouldn't believe it, but I've played off all the things that bothered me in order to diffuse any uncomfortable moments. They'd probably still make jokes about it, and I'm tired of that. I've been trying to get that across for a while now. I can't tell the woman I'm seeing now, she'd likely just think I was weak. Even though she has admitted many of her own hangups and avoidances to me when it comes to dealing with people and stress.

    The only person who I've said anything to, never hinting at this level, was an ex-gf who still sends me an occassional IM. She knows me, yet is disconnected enough where I don't worry about word spreading and the embarrasment. I even saw her today, she stopped by work to get an afghan that she left at my house. I had been keeping it in my trunk until I saw her again. We had an awkward half hug and I hurried along. I havent even talked to the one I'm seeing in a few days time. How weird this all works. I fear going to sleep, wondering what the dreams will bring and if I'll feel the same tomorrow morning like I did this morning.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Either WildCherry or Alison works, I'm called both on here. :) So whichever you're more comfortable with.

    Yeah, I can kind of relate to what you mean... maybe not on the same level. But I've been known as the smart ass for years, the one who makes people laugh or makes a sarcastic comment. So with a lot of people I know, it's awkward talking about anything really serious because they're almost waiting for my usual routine, and they seem to get confused if that doesn't happen.

    If you ever need to talk or just want someone to listen, you can PM me anytime. :hug:
  6. DanteHicks

    DanteHicks Member

    I can't sleep. I'll lay in bed and type all this from my phone instead.

    I made a mistake. One long, months long mistake and it's destroyed what little bit of what wasn't peace, but at least numbness to my life. I slept with a friend. A friend who turned out to still be dating another friend. The kind of high school drama that doesn't become a man in his early 30's.

    I've always been one to diffuse my pain with humor. A smart ass joke, a self depreciating remark, and the people around laugh with your gallows humor, and don't just stare uncomfortably. I'll come back around to my mistake, but I can never deliver my state of mind without this explanation.

    I used that humor to deal with my childhood, with parents large into the drug scene and debt. I used that to deal with high school, and the challenges that presents when you aren't born genetically predisposed to athletics or just being good looking. Neither of which one can control, but that establishes what people think of you and those deemed "better". I used that to deal with my mothers death when I was 17, finding my fathers work in progress suicide note (he never did it), and the hell that came after. My father tried to drink himself out, racking up three DUI's by the time I could legally drink and putting his health at risk. I learned very quickly how to fend for myself in those years and came to terms with the idea I could be on my own very soon.

    Still, someone had to take care of the old man, and as my older sister had already moved out and refused to come back it was up to me. So I drove him to work every morning, worked or went to community college whenever I could afford one or two classes, maybe spend time with my emotionally manipulative girlfriend, and then pick my father back up. While my peers went to universities and asking why I didn't come out to party, I was making excuses to cover for my situation. Even though I wanted to take off and go to school I could not. I didn't have the background or means to go to college, I didn't even take the ACT's. My father had no money to send me, after taking care of my mothers funeral, the IRS started sending him fat envelopes regarding back taxes (also didn't help his drinking), and then after the DUI's came the legal fees and the brand new car he bought and totaled within 2 years.

    So I dug in, kept my head low, and worked. Sure, my friends all around were beginning to get careers and married, but my time would come. And every time I'd talk about these things (which didn't happen often), I'd diffuse. I worked and worked and worked. I had what might have been the one slip through my hands, many years ago. And immediately after that, I got my first break. My father began driving himself to work again (in a car under my name), and I got my first break in my profession. Incredibly low level, low pay, large amount of hours. So I did what came naturally, I dove into my work. I made shit money, worked 60 hours a week, but I was learning. And I couldn't afford much of anything on my own, so I moved with my father out of my parents house and into an apartment. Most of my friends were in that just married phase anyway, so I couldn't find a roommate that wasn't a complete stranger. And this way, I could kick in my share of rent and utilities, but save on some of the fringe things until I could afford to go out on my own.

    I did this for years. Years until I started to really make money at a new job. And in all this time, through all these personal tribulations, I'd just laugh it off. Break up with a girl? Joke. Be single for over three years? Joke. My friends treated me like a joke. Always the punchline. Self-depreciating jokes turned into them making the same jokes about me. With low self-esteem, it's one thing to say it yourself....another completely when someone else does it. But I had one close friend who always had comforting words or a compliment. One who confided in me, and was a confidant I could turn to with things I didn't tell others. She also happened to have been dating another friend for a very long time.

    The first time she made a pass at me was when they were on the outs. He left her to move to another state for another girl. We hung out all the time, and I didn't act on her advances. The next time was a year or so later, when after a birthday party at a friends house, we both drunkenly slept there and she tried again. This time, she was with him and I knew it, so I said no. Hell, I broke up something once when she was messing around with another guy while they were dating. Nothing happened until 6 months later.

    I had finally gathered enough money and searched for almost two years before I bought my house. I was making the full leap on my own, building my skillset at work from nothing, building my bank account with saving and not indulging on the bigger things in life, and fighting through all of the shit that came before. I took a promotion at work, jumping up into a new role only a month before this, so I was stressed and scared. Then I bought a house, I had made it through all of this on my own. I had been single, commited to my job, and not even having sex for years. I was incredibly lonely and scared. So of course my closest of friends there wanted to help. Help me clean the place up before I moved my stuff in, and celebrate my accomplishment. She also brought lots of wine, and after two bottles moved on me again.

    I'd prided myself for years on trying to do the right thing, no matter what. But in that very human moment, with a person I trusted implicitly above so many others, I failed. Every sweet whisper was something I had been dying to hear. How attractive she thought I was and always had. How much she thought of me as a person. How she only stayed in that other relationship because it was all she knew and was scared to lose. But there was nothing left, and they weren't even much of a couple anymore. In fact, it was pretty much over already, but neither one did anything about it, just going through the motions. Before anything happened I told her I didn't want to date her or anyone really. And she was OK with that. A one-time mistake. But she lied.

    She wanted more and had me trapped now. She kept pushing for a relationship to start from this, and it didn't take long before I found out that she really had been trying to play both sides and patch things up with the ex(?). She'd come over, and what was supposed to be single friends with benefits turned into manipulation. She'd continue to tell me everything I wanted to hear and how things were over with the ex, but it wasn't true. And I told her I didn't want to start anything like that. That it was a mistake and should stop. But she never went away for long. She'd come back under the guise of friendship, and slowly start to talk her way back in. The absolute worst point was a vacation she took with him to see her brother in California. She insisted that he had bought the tickets on his own, as a misguided attempt to get her back. She didn't want to go, to do anything to threaten what she felt for me, but she missed her brother. Go, I told her, go and just tell me honestly if you two reconcile or anything happens.

    You can guess how this plays out. She goes, swearing nothing will happen. She returns, looks me in the eye and swears nothing did happen. Within a week or two, the lie unravels and not only did she sleep with him on the trip, but she helped plan the entire vacation. I don't talk to her for some time. She starts sending texts and emails about how she sees the need to change her life. We try to be friends, but she pushes on and on for more. I finally flat out refuse her by starting to see someone else. This sends her into such a rage, that she threatens sleeping with my friends to try and hurt me, to demanding anything back she ever gave me.

    I distance myself, the other relationship doesn't go anywhere, I knew it wouldn't. But then another friend comes out of the blue. This girl I'd seen only every once in a while since school. She went through a divorce, has a daughter, always wondered about me that way. And she is great. Totally someone I'd like to be with. But of course, she is friends with you know who as well. And that person tries to poison her against me from the start. But as soon as she realizes that she is a liar, she comes to me, apologizes and wants to concentrate on just us. And for a few weeks, it's pretty damn great. I pick her up from work Friday night, spend the night at her apartment, drop her at work in the morning with a smile and a kiss. No problems at all the entire time. But then she goes dead silent on me. For weeks now, and she refuses to give a single answer why. The only thing I can gather is a very increased presence on her social networking sites from you know who. She returns to make my life miserable as she sends these emails to me filled with crocodile tears about being sorry and how I deserve to have a nice life. Nothing but lies.

    I made my mistake. I came clean with my other friend. He hasn't and probably won't forgive me, and I don't blame him. But as far as I knew, both of them were unsatisfied and broken up again, probably for the last time. I mean, shit, this guy moved to another state to cheat on her once. I was vulnerable, alone, and used to being made fun of by friends. This was the one person who said all the right things. And I felt trapped. I couldn't go to him with it, I tried to talk it through with her so many times. About how it was not right and the best thing to do was move on. I was the most miserable I'd ever been during that time. But I can't get away from it. She continues to ruin everything she can for me, and I can't do anything about it. To engage her is only to encourage her. So she gets away freely with ruining things with this other person for me. I've lost so many friends over this, and I can't do anything to fix it. I can't sleep but I don't want to sit here and think about this. It just makes me want to die. Everything Ive done, unraveled because of one person. I wish she had never come into my life at all.
  7. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    Doesn't sound like a good situation honey, you deserve better than her :hug: Maybe try online dating if you haven't already? Try hobbies that won't bring you into contact with her or anyone she knows? :hug:
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