Stop feeling guilty?

mawile

Well-Known Member
#1
I want to stop feeling ashamed of myself. Whenever I think about some way that I’ve embarrassed myself or hurt someone I start to feel shame, about how “bad” of a person I feel I am, even though some of the things I have done have really hurt people, and I wish I felt more empathy for them rather than guilt, which is always focused on me. I know it’s not about my self-esteem, it’s about me repairing harm and getting better so that I don’t hurt anyone ever again. But I still find myself, in my worst moments, wanting to die because I feel like the worst person in the world and if people found out they’d want me dead etc etc which I know isn’t real and is a cognitive distortion but since it’s based in real things I feel like maybe I should kill myself, but I know that wouldn’t solve anything and would just me more abuse.
I guess what I’m trying to say that I need a self esteem in order to get better and stop hurting people, but I don’t feel like I can realistically have or deserve to have a self esteem after what i’ve Done
And maybe this whole thing is just me making the pain I’ve inflicted about me, maybe this whole way of thinking is wrong and self-obsessed.
Maybe it’s okay if I hate myself, I just have not wallow in it, and learn to treat people in humane and non-abusive ways.
And I know every depressed person feels like their depression is rooted in truth, but reality is real. The more I think about my past the more real and severe I realize my abusive behavior has been, and I need to feel remorse and empathy and not shame, but I’m having a hard time switching from seeing myself as a bad person/wallowing in guilt vs. understanding why I acted the way I did and changing, and maybe even getting the courage to apologize and even pay restitution if people even still want to talk to me. But like a real apology, one that isn’t manipulative or confession-as-abuse.
Basically what are techniques that I can learn to make me care about other people and understand and empathize with them more and understand the impact of my actions? And techniques for stopping wallowing in guilt and overreacting to evil thoughts? Should I go on believing that I’m a bad person or modify it just only so I can function or actually have a good self esteem? If I had a good self-esteem would that being hurtful towards my victims? How do I like myself again, or if I shouldn’t like myself how do I function as a caring, normal, non-abusive person — perceiving myself as the same as other people and being normal and kind, and caring about things outside myself?
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#2
CBT is the standard for working on cognitive distortions. The nice thing about it is if you just DO the work for it, even if you don't believe what you're saying to yourself while you're saying it at first, it does start to help.

In terms of working on empathy, I'm not sure, I've got too much of that myself. Maybe if you spent some time volunteering in some capacity with people less fortunate, and worked on gratitude for the things you do have, maybe those would help.

A lot of this stuff though is better worked through with a therapist though. It's good to have someone else to call you on it when you're falling into old traps.
 

mawile

Well-Known Member
#3
CBT is the standard for working on cognitive distortions. The nice thing about it is if you just DO the work for it, even if you don't believe what you're saying to yourself while you're saying it at first, it does start to help.

In terms of working on empathy, I'm not sure, I've got too much of that myself. Maybe if you spent some time volunteering in some capacity with people less fortunate, and worked on gratitude for the things you do have, maybe those would help.

A lot of this stuff though is better worked through with a therapist though. It's good to have someone else to call you on it when you're falling into old traps.
I really appreciate you taking the time out to reply to this. I am working with CBT and I have been seeing improvement, good to know I’m on the right track. I never thought about being more grateful, I’ll try that! Thanks so much.
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#4
Anytime with the level of guilt you've got isn't as bad as the person you feel like inside, if that makes any sense. You're not being terrible by living a good life. If you feel as though you've hurt people and you've made amends there then that's that. Or if you can't for whatever reason then you also have to accept that. But there's no need to self flagellate because you feel like you deserve to be punished for some indefinite amount of time over whatever you've done. You have literally never given anyone here any cause to think you're a Bad Person. The things you describe that have happened are shitty but aren't cause for all this self hate, guilt and shame you're carrying around. I hope you get the help you deserve. You're worth it.
 

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