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Stop the World Please ... I Want to Get Off NOW!!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by infiniti1027, Jul 19, 2010.

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  1. infiniti1027

    infiniti1027 Member

    I am Bipolar II and Borderline Personality.

    I am 40 years old with a 21 y.o. daughter and an 18 y.o. daughter and a 2.5 y.o. dog. And I love them all dearly.

    But I hate my life. I hate the mood swings. I hate the cycles of happy and depressed because I am not just sad, I am beat-down, hate myself, can't get out of bed, downright fatigued, body aching depressed.

    I see a psychiatrist every 3 months for med management for 15 minutes to talk about how I am doing real quickly and get my scripts for my Pristiq (50mg), Wellbutrin (300mg), Topamax (200mg), Abilify (20mg), Klonopin (1mg).

    I was seeing a therapist weekly but it just got to be too expensive for me. I do believe it was helping, but I simply cannot afford it, and she even had me on a sliding scale fee of $50 per visit.

    I make decent money, but I am single, with a kid going into college and another one who will not grow up and take care of herself. I just unloaded a boyfriend I took care of for 2 years while he was in the midst of a drug addiction. He's now recovering and doing well, but won't talk to me at all now.

    I lost all my friends when I was with him so I am all alone completely and have NO ONE to talk to at all. Compound that with the fact that I work with his mother so I am triggered every day, even though she and I are very close.

    I have been feeling very suicidal for the past two weeks which I thought was because I had run out of my Topamax and I have it now and it usually only takes about 3 days for it to kick back in, but it's been a week that I've been back on it. And I seem to be getting worse.

    I want out. I am tired of the roller coaster. I know I am supposed to just ride it out; it will get better as it always does, but guess what? It will get bad AS IT ALWAYS DOES!!!

    I am SICK of it!!! I don't want to live this way anymore. I don't want to live with these disorders anymore. I don't want to live with this loneliness. And it's not even the rotten boyfriend. I don't want him anyway. He was a user and a loser and that's all he'll ever be no matter how sober and clean he gets. It's the fact that I am all I will ever be, I have all I will ever have, and I'm in a hole I can never dig myself out of.

    My kids only want me because they need me to shelter them, feed them, provide for them because they don't want to or aren't ready to do it for themselves. That boyfriend only wanted me for what I could do for him, which was way too much. My friends all abandoned me for sticking by him. I have nothing but a job I dislike, bills I have a hard time paying, and a life I hate living.

    I want off, and I want off now.

    I planned several years ago that 2010 was to be my year to die and my daughter threw a wrinkle into those plans by deciding to go to college locally so she could live at home. Once again, so she could live at home, with me, rather than away from home.

    I pray every day for a car accident that kills me, or that I fall asleep and never wake up, for an aneurysm, a stroke .... I don't care. I have attempted it so many times and I am no good at it. I've come close only once and someone came in unexpectedly with no warning at all and saved me, that the best I can hope for now is a freak accident.

    I worry about my dog, and I have come to the conclusion that if I decide to do anything to myself, I am taking her with me. I can't trust anyone to take care of her the way I do. I want her to be cremated with me.

    I know I am stupid that there are people less fortunate than I am who can find happiness in their world, but I can't deal with the constant pain in my life, and the small snippets of happiness that I know will only evolve into deep debilitating depressions.

    I just don't want to live this way anymore. I have no quality of life at all. And what do you do with someone with no quality of life? You pull the plug.

    I want my plug pulled.

    And I will NOT call a suicide hotline to talk to a complete stranger to only prove how completely pathetic I am that I have no friends to call when I am in this state of mind. Besides they will only try to tell me how great I have it with my kids and my job and my dog and people who care about me (who?). I KNOW ALL THIS. I don't need a complete stranger to tell me all this to try to talk me out of doing something that I WANT to do more than anything, in the year that I have planned for years to do it!!!

    I WANT OFF OF THIS WORLD!!!! And I don't care if it's a sin! I've always been a sinner so what the hell is one more????
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi infiniti. I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering so much right now, but please stop praying for something bad to happen to you. Your daughters and your dog needs you, please don't give up. You're needed here hun. Please don't give up. :hug:
  3. infiniti1027

    infiniti1027 Member

    What am I needed for? To provide for the leeches in my life while I get nothing in return but continual pain? While I work my ass off to provide for everyone else and get nothing but continual pain? While everyone sucks the life blood from me and I have no real life of my own?

    I have ZERO friends. I go to work, I come home, I go to bed, I go to work, I come home, I go to bed, I go to work, I come home, I go to bed, I go to work, I come home, I go to bed. I am tired of living this way. It's all I do. I am a money maker for everyone else.

    I have no life, I have no interests, there's no reason for me to be here. I am tired of the blood suckers in my life.

    The girls can go live with their father until they can do it on their own. I just wanted to see them to adulthood and then I wanted to be gone. They don't WANT me, they NEED me. And not for the right reasons.

    I just can't do it anymore.
  4. tanaswood

    tanaswood Member

    hi infiniti,i am where you are,how do you stop the world so you can get off???i'm 40 with 2 daughters and a grandchild on the way.noone understands this rollercoaster of meds and false happiness.everyone wants something,noone knows i have nothing left to give.i'm sending you love in the vain hope it may reach you,i know sometimes we just can't be reached.if you find a way to stop the world please let me know,i'll be right there with you.xxx sometimes enough is enough
  5. infiniti1027

    infiniti1027 Member

    I just wanted to say that I am feeling much better. I had been out of my mood stabilizer and though I had been taking it for a few days when I wrote this post, it took longer to kick in than it ever has.

    I almost went to the hospital Tuesday night to keep myself from doing something drastic, but didn't want to be subject to a 72 hour hold, so I just took a mini handful of benzos and went to work late the next day. Thankfully my boss is aware of my condition and I called her Tuesday night in a panic and told her what was going on and she was very understanding and worried.

    I'm much better now.

    Thank you for allowing me a space to talk when I need to, say things that are typically not acceptable to talk about, be unwell when I need to be, and well when I can be.

    Thank you all!
  6. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    hey i generally know how your feell i have bpd 1 and severe depression, among other "dissorders" i welcome you to read any and all of my post so you can see what i have been through.

    I am only 21 but i have been through much of what you have been through minus the kids part. the leeches though that is very much a part of my daily life still. im sorry to hear you feel the way i do most of the time. but i want you to know that i am here for you whenever you need me.

    pm if you want, i dont mind. im just trying to help one minute amount of how everyone on this forum has helped me. plz stay in the world. your daughters do love you and need you for more than just a person to provide shelter and food, trusst me i was and probably still one of those children, but i now realize that there is more to life than what you see in front of you.

    I hope i helped if not im sorryim not verry good at this.:lol!:
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better infiniti. Maybe you should talk to your children to not be such leeches and to start pulling their weight? :hug:
  8. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Im praying for you. No sin is too great to be redeemed. Forgiveness and love will save you!!!!
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