I am Bipolar II and Borderline Personality. I am 40 years old with a 21 y.o. daughter and an 18 y.o. daughter and a 2.5 y.o. dog. And I love them all dearly. But I hate my life. I hate the mood swings. I hate the cycles of happy and depressed because I am not just sad, I am beat-down, hate myself, can't get out of bed, downright fatigued, body aching depressed. I see a psychiatrist every 3 months for med management for 15 minutes to talk about how I am doing real quickly and get my scripts for my Pristiq (50mg), Wellbutrin (300mg), Topamax (200mg), Abilify (20mg), Klonopin (1mg). I was seeing a therapist weekly but it just got to be too expensive for me. I do believe it was helping, but I simply cannot afford it, and she even had me on a sliding scale fee of $50 per visit. I make decent money, but I am single, with a kid going into college and another one who will not grow up and take care of herself. I just unloaded a boyfriend I took care of for 2 years while he was in the midst of a drug addiction. He's now recovering and doing well, but won't talk to me at all now. I lost all my friends when I was with him so I am all alone completely and have NO ONE to talk to at all. Compound that with the fact that I work with his mother so I am triggered every day, even though she and I are very close. I have been feeling very suicidal for the past two weeks which I thought was because I had run out of my Topamax and I have it now and it usually only takes about 3 days for it to kick back in, but it's been a week that I've been back on it. And I seem to be getting worse. I want out. I am tired of the roller coaster. I know I am supposed to just ride it out; it will get better as it always does, but guess what? It will get bad AS IT ALWAYS DOES!!! I am SICK of it!!! I don't want to live this way anymore. I don't want to live with these disorders anymore. I don't want to live with this loneliness. And it's not even the rotten boyfriend. I don't want him anyway. He was a user and a loser and that's all he'll ever be no matter how sober and clean he gets. It's the fact that I am all I will ever be, I have all I will ever have, and I'm in a hole I can never dig myself out of. My kids only want me because they need me to shelter them, feed them, provide for them because they don't want to or aren't ready to do it for themselves. That boyfriend only wanted me for what I could do for him, which was way too much. My friends all abandoned me for sticking by him. I have nothing but a job I dislike, bills I have a hard time paying, and a life I hate living. I want off, and I want off now. I planned several years ago that 2010 was to be my year to die and my daughter threw a wrinkle into those plans by deciding to go to college locally so she could live at home. Once again, so she could live at home, with me, rather than away from home. I pray every day for a car accident that kills me, or that I fall asleep and never wake up, for an aneurysm, a stroke .... I don't care. I have attempted it so many times and I am no good at it. I've come close only once and someone came in unexpectedly with no warning at all and saved me, that the best I can hope for now is a freak accident. I worry about my dog, and I have come to the conclusion that if I decide to do anything to myself, I am taking her with me. I can't trust anyone to take care of her the way I do. I want her to be cremated with me. I know I am stupid that there are people less fortunate than I am who can find happiness in their world, but I can't deal with the constant pain in my life, and the small snippets of happiness that I know will only evolve into deep debilitating depressions. I just don't want to live this way anymore. I have no quality of life at all. And what do you do with someone with no quality of life? You pull the plug. I want my plug pulled. And I will NOT call a suicide hotline to talk to a complete stranger to only prove how completely pathetic I am that I have no friends to call when I am in this state of mind. Besides they will only try to tell me how great I have it with my kids and my job and my dog and people who care about me (who?). I KNOW ALL THIS. I don't need a complete stranger to tell me all this to try to talk me out of doing something that I WANT to do more than anything, in the year that I have planned for years to do it!!! I WANT OFF OF THIS WORLD!!!! And I don't care if it's a sin! I've always been a sinner so what the hell is one more????