Stopped my meds.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by iKarma, Aug 23, 2009.

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  1. iKarma

    iKarma Well-Known Member

    I have now stopped all my meds since friday. So my auditory hallucinations should be returning soon. I can feel them coming back. When they do, they will be pissed off. I doubt I will last long. Take care.
  2. iKarma

    iKarma Well-Known Member

    Well I am off to visit Comrade Vodka, and Senor Tequila.... And so it begins.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Why did you decide to go off your meds?
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Time to give your self a whack on the head here why did you stop your meds. do you enjoy having the voices take control over you. Wise thing would get back on your meds so you can become stable You have help so many here so why not help yourself a bit and get off booze and back on meds come on you can do this just stop and think abt it okay. Say Back ON Med time.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Bad idea hun. Why did you stop them? Did you let your doctor know? If not,please do :hug:
  6. iKarma

    iKarma Well-Known Member

    Didn't let my doctor know, they don't care about me. I stopped my meds 1) Because they weren't doing anything to begin with. 2) I am tired of pumping meds into my body with no result. 3) I am killing myself soon, so why bother waiting.

    Do I enjoy hearing the voices? No. But at this point I no longer care. They are already harrassing me. It is all I deserve.
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm confused. You said the meds weren't doing anything, but yet you also said the voices would be coming back soon. So it does sound like they were preventing the auditory hallucinations?
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Okay the meds are needed to stop the voices that are harrassing you. Get control okay take meds stop voices. The meds do work please try don't give up. I know it is hard my brothers and twin now my daughter all fight to stay stable but when there off the meds they don't function well at all If your meds are not working well then time to switch them up again. TALK to you doctor okay keep fighting People with schizophrenia can live normal life if they stay on their med regime Please try don't give up please. When your on your meds the voices won't harrass you.
  9. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hello! Well despite the incredible crush I have on you I believe I can be quite objective about this.

    1) Your doctor is an idiot. Any doctor that refers you to County is basically saying his services are comparable to County services. A lot of docs go into the field because of their own personal crap so lets give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he was having a bad day and just move on from him. But I will say this... one doctor does not define you...what he does and how he treats you is not a reflection on YOU but rather HIM. Personally I think he is jerk and should be reported for leaving a patient, that he is by law responsible for, without care/treatment. I am going to send you an email of a response I would like you to forward to him from one professional with legal obligations to patients to another but that will be up to you to send or not.

    2) Not all the meds may have been working perfectly but the one was keeping the voices away so what you really mean to say is the were not working how you wanted them to or rather how you are needing them too. Come on dude you have been around these forums enough to know it is a tricky balance and often takes a few tries. Should you be any different? Are you somehow immune to the difficulties others face in the struggle to deal with mental illness?

    3) I know for a fact you are not in therapy so of course you don't have that to help effectuate change in your life! I know you are trying and you know too that I have arranged at least one option for you and this option is by no means petty. Yes that appointment is a few weeks off but you also know that the head of Boston General is working on your behalf. Lets see the posters to this thread, me, the main dude from Cedars Sinai and Boston General...seems everyone is working but you! Do you think we would be doing this if we did not see a part of you that was worth it? We are not idiots! I know you are tired iKarma but we will carry you, use our strength.

    4) I got you and heard you loud and clear- You're tired of taking meds with no result. See No. 1 - we all have to deal with it-sorry you're not so special that the rules of reality will change for you. We have an illness-for life or a defined period I can not sayand we need medication. Do you see young cancer patients bitching and complaining? Do you think that is fundamentally different when it comes to finding the proper meds? You know darn well that there are other combos you have not tried. So why stop mid stride/ mid stream? See below cuz I am not done with this!

    5) You are killing yourself anyways? WTF?!? Well that is just great. Just so you know I am going to keep trying and Nova Scotia is still on and the doc from Boston Gen is still on board and so am I!!!!! You know full well I care but what you don't know is I don't quit-I will hang and you won't get rid of me that easily. If I misunderstand something-enlighten me, if I get confused-educate me, if I want me to get lost-fuck yourself. I see, as do others, something incredibly worthy in you and we just need you to hang on long enough for that to sink in. If you could see yourself for two minutes the way I see you I am convinced that you would hang in there and fight!

    6) Sorry but you must enjoy hearing voices or torturing yourself otherwise you would not have gone off your meds AND told us all about it. See iKarma you see to want us to know the pain your in, why is that? Of course it is a way to reach out for help. Of course you knew the replies you would get. Come on dude, WTF?! You have been around here enough to know what sorts of replies you would get. Here was my first thought...

    "Yeah iKarma I am gonna join you! Why the hell not? The last time I went off meds I was in a black hole for 8 months and ended up in my room alone with a needle in my arm and Xg of P***********L loaded to go. But hell I am up for it again!!!! I am scared so having someone to support me in the journey into the black abyss will be so nice. You can talk about your voices and I can talk about how horrible and worthless I am. We can entertain each other as those stupid SF people simply do not appreciate our company-who needs them! We can try to out do each other on subjects such as who is uglier, who has nastier scars and who is more useless. Oh this is gonna be fun!"

    Now how stupid is that shit! See iKarma you know me well enough to know I am being facetious but there is a point in there.
    It makes no sense to post if you are not looking for us here to respond and rally around you! You must have a part of you that desperately is looking for a way out of the darkness and I sense that you know this too. Why not listen a bit more to that part of you. Have you sat down and had an honest conversation with that part of you? You know what I mean-self talk, investigate it, see what it says. This requires bravery and honesty and is hindered by your buddies Comrade Vodka and Senor Tequila so please don't do while under the influence and insult me and say you tried already.

    7) "I deserve it". Now you have thrown this comment about more than a few times but have never backed it up with anything substantial. So why is it that YOU deserve it? You have mentioned one reason to me in IM that was so weak we both laughed. Again have you done something so horrible, more horrible than anyone else, that you deserve to "it" and they don't. You are welcome to come to me with any dirty secret you may have and we can even start the conversation with a big secret/skeleton I have so the playing field is level. But to sit back and throw out an ending comment like "I deserve it" only serves to elicit reaction and you know this.
    Additionally, again we are at one of those points were the argument can be made that you seem to think the rules change when it comes to you. We have talked about this before and you know that I think that distorted views of ourselves is part of what needs to change in order to start feeling better. And we both know that these distortions are negative and very much exaggerated so why believe them? My point here is this is your disease talking! Don't listen. See that part of you that wants to live does not believe it either so that part posts on SF looking for validation/confirmation, or so I believe. It probably looks to some members like you are trying to get attention or compliments but I see it as that part of you seeking answers.
    If you are looking for reasons to go on ask, we here have thousands. If your looking for attention you got it-hell you deserve it. Whatever it is your needing iKarma we are lined up to give it, take a look at your threads the last 30 days or so....count the number of replies you have gotten! You know I am here and just so you know I am not backing down-no fucking way-and I will do my best to provide the support that you are seeking.

    I have seen your threads change from ones of support and your attributes to ones of desperate pleas focused on not who you are but your actions such a getting drunk a lot. I see this as a testament to your pain but one thing is clear people care. People that have been in your situation and worse! If they can make it why not you? Your reply is prolly that you don't want to-hell we didn't want to either! But you never know when the answer is coming. What if the guy in Nova Scotia has the perfect cocktail for you? Certainly cause for hope any reasonable person can see that! What if you meet someone that changes your direction in life and causes you to see your entire world differently? That is what happened to me and I have not been the same since.

    I am sure you will have tons of replies to what I have written, citing various reasons why it is not applicable but I believe it does apply very much so, although of course not perfectly. I would contend that is your depression talking and damn it stop listening to it.

    iKarma you don't want your life then give it to us. Yes that is right give it to SF we can use it. Give us advice, use the kind words of support you have given in the past and give us some more. You have a big don't want it give it to us that need care and love. You are don't want your mind so give it to us that have lost perspective and need to fresh thoughts. You are terribly don't want your humor so give it to us that are having a hard time and need to smile. Just give it to somebody, don't throw your life away.

    Well I don't know what else to say. If I have not demonstrated to you by now that I give a damn then I have screwed up big time. If I have not shown that I am willing to go the distance than again I have missed my mark. And if I have not been able to convey a sense of hope than I am sorry as this is something very difficult to convey to someone in the middle of a hard time but know that I have tried. Finally if I have not made it clear that you are worth it let me try one last time YOU ARE FUCKING WORTH IT!!!

    You know you hold a special place in my heart as I have told you this so please lean on me during this time and hang in there....the answer is right around the me.

    Love Bambi
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2009
  10. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    :unsure: I hope you know how lucky you are ikarma.Don't throw it all away.Read my post on another thread about college.its off topic I know and different but..maybe you will get some insight into what happens when you give up.Its always a mistake to give up.Always.
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey hope you are reading all these replies and realizing just how much people do care for you and how much your abscence would be felt. You have helped so many people here please let us help you please do the right thing for you.
    A healthy bit of anger would help to like hell with ass of doctor who the hell is he just another human who doesn't get it . Well time toget a doctor who does get it does give a dam Get angry use anger to get you back on track
    You deserve the best care so fight for it don't just give in to idiots like him
    don't give in to anyone because then you are letting the asses win. Your better than that come on get the anger going and come back and tell us you have the fight back again.
  12. rosalee

    rosalee Well-Known Member

    I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said before, as much as I wish I could provide you with the real help you deserve. The only thing I can say is that I (and everybody else here) still support you, regardless of how severe your condition's getting.

    I want to respect you and the reality of what you're going through -- I mean, I can't just say "No, life is great! You want more of it, you really do!" until you agree with me, when it's clear that your illness has you experiencing unbearable pain -- but I also want to say that it's not too late for things to change, either. You may not believe it about yourself, but you've helped many people here, including myself. Please, don't hold yourself to an unreasonable standard of perfection -- regardless of what you say or do, you are a valuable person who has done and will do good things, and your illness is not a weakness, or a fault.

    I'm sorry that's all I can do over the internet. I'm still hoping you can find someone to administer real help.
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