Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Broken Wings, Dec 7, 2011.

  1. Broken Wings

    Broken Wings Well-Known Member

    This feels like the best place for this. Who says Let It All Out has to be all negative, right?
    The self harm forum seems a little... pushy? as this is really all for me. I just need to get it out there.

    Okay, history lesson for a moment: I started cutting when I was about 14. Which puts us about six years ago.
    Lots and lots of cutting for about three years, even though I tried to stop on a couple of occasions, to try and appease someone important.
    Then I sorta gave up on giving it up, and I slowed down. Stopped for longer and longer stretches just by not wanting to "that day".
    A few months, a cut or three, a few months, etc. I think the longest full stretch would be nine or ten months, right before I started college last year.
    Then the change and stress got me, and I did a few in the winter months. Spread out physically, I can almost tell you how many because they are the only ones on my leg.
    Then in the spring things slowly got to 'normal' as I adjusted. Summer went by, and here I am again. I cut for the first time since (probably) January on the 6 or 7th of November.
    Then the first time since then today.

    And here is what I have to say:

    I'm done.
    No more.
    I'm fucking sick of cutting.
    I never want to again.
    Because it feels good for a moment. About 9 seconds.
    Then I feel stupid.

    I want a tattoo on this shoulder eventually. A testament to quitting cutting. I have since I first tried to stop.
    But if I keep cutting, I'll never get it. The scars will never fade enough to do it.

    I feel worse after I cut than I do before.
    It makes me feel out of control.
    Because if I want to stop, why do I keep doing it?

    Because the scars "call" to get cut again. That internal itch.
    Well, I'm going to get some of that topical anaesthetic. Or that icey-hot gel I've used before.
    That fucking itch can get a new place.
    I'm SICK of cleaning up blood.
    I'm sick of wondering if a knife is clean.
    I'm sick of worrying all day if I will or not.
    If I have the knife to do it.

    I'm sick of it being on my mind, when there are such better things to be thinking about.
    Like getting a job, or making food, or that cute girl who just walked by.
    Anything really.

    I don't mind the scars.
    These are my birthmarks.
    But I don't need any new ones.

    My life crisis is over.
    I may not be entirely sure if I am suicidal, still; but I am in a good place.
    There is no reason to cut, so I am not going to.

    This shouldn't sound angry, because I am not. Which is kinda weird, but nice.
    I am determined. It is an odd feeling.
    But I like it.

    We'll see how it goes after I graduate in April, and move on to the real world, but I have a feeling it will all work out the same regardless of how much blood I spill.
    So I'm going to keep mine, best I can.

    So, I guess, wish me luck.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Way to go hun for all the hard work you have done to get yourself to not harm I wish you well hun hugs
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Best of luck and continued hard work and go girl!
  4. Broken Wings

    Broken Wings Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys. I just needed to tell someone, and there isn't really anyone IRL that makes sense. :)