The waves of sadness and despair wash thru me constantly these days...I'll be surviving in my usual robotic mode then another hits. The lonliness, even in the middle of many who care... The pain and grief that can never be voiced is like a pervasive cancer growing and threatening to overtake... I fight the pain only for it to come back - I know facing it is the only way thru - yet the black hole of hopelessness that lies therein terrifies me. Even my children's wonderful smiles don't seem to penetrate the pain - a dozen roses from one, chocolate from another, hugs, watching a family movie, I try to be thankful for these blessings and yet, the blessings don't erase the pain. How long, to work out 42 years of abuse and rape - and act as if nothing happened; go to work, make dinner, function another day... Crazy thoughts hit - like what would happen if I....and is my will in order.... I want to end it all, and I don't...I want the pain to go away, but it can't be erased...So I'm, venting instead of dying - at least for now... Thanks to SF for having a place to be heard anonymously!