Storm waves

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by TBear, Jun 14, 2009.

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  1. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    The waves of sadness and despair wash thru me constantly these days...I'll be surviving in my usual robotic mode then another hits.

    The lonliness, even in the middle of many who care...

    The pain and grief that can never be voiced is like a pervasive cancer growing and threatening to overtake...

    I fight the pain only for it to come back - I know facing it is the only way thru - yet the black hole of hopelessness that lies therein terrifies me.

    Even my children's wonderful smiles don't seem to penetrate the pain - a dozen roses from one, chocolate from another, hugs, watching a family movie, I try to be thankful for these blessings and yet, the blessings don't erase the pain.

    How long, to work out 42 years of abuse and rape - and act as if nothing happened; go to work, make dinner, function another day...

    Crazy thoughts hit - like what would happen if I....and is my will in order....

    I want to end it all, and I don't...I want the pain to go away, but it can't be erased...So I'm, venting instead of dying - at least for now...

    Thanks to SF for having a place to be heard anonymously!
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    TBear I am sorry your hurting and I know that after years of going through the cycle over and over it can feel pointless. I hope you pull through this bout soon. We are here if you don't have to go it alone..

    Take care of yourself and feel free to contact me if you feel I may be of some help.

  3. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    If venting is working for you right now, then please continue to vent. We all share a common bond here. Have you tried meds. and or therapy? Many here have had succes with them.
  4. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    I've been in therapy two and a half therapist has increased my meetings to twice a week for the added support with instructions to call at any time and he will get back to me as soon as it is possible. It is so hard to act as if nothing is wrong - how does one grieve a lost childhood and a nightmare of a marriage when the nature of the abuse is taboo and would be hurtful to my children if it ever came out.

    We have been integrating some horrific abuse from my childhood and it is almost unbearable. Yet, I have a child planning a wedding, a child graduating high school, a child graduating middle school, and a preschooler graduating and about to go to "big girl" school, and three others at various stages of their adventure of life. I can barely be there for them because I am still trying to protect them from their abusive father in court, at least he is gone.

    The finances are the next pervasive trouble - I couldn't even pay my rent last month without help from charity; even with working full-time. I have no family and to carry it all is beyond my capability - I just want to escape.

    Meds don't help since I am DID and when I change - I have different needs, my eyesight even least I am co-conscious and able to function, albeit in a dissociated state. People who know me only think I am a little eccentric and spacey at times, they have no clue. My children think mom is "cool" especially when I get on the trampoline and do cartwheels with them in one of my "younger" states. To them I'm just Mommy. My therapist says it is because of me that they have a chance at a normal I have to hang on. I thank G-d that I've always been a good Mom. My therapist thinks it is a riot - that he is privileged to know a secret that no one else is privy to.

    The waves of despair are flashbacks of emotion that come from some of the past events that I wish I could erase - it never goes away, it hurts, and I just want to die when it happens. Then another part of me comes forward to balance the hopelessness. Venting is the only way to let off the extreme stress.

    Thanks for the kind responses - it helps more than people realize when someone is so alone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 15, 2009
  5. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    TBear, I have a hard time reading things lately because I'm so raw right now. I have a harder time reading your post because you sound so close to how I'm feeling. I have the same problems, but without a family or support. No meds, DID, etc. same reasons, too. You're not alone. I don't know if that helps any. I've been fighting 'giving up' for a year now, hard core, and just letting go and disappearing, among other things. I. too, can't bear the pain, and many other things going on right now. You're not alone. I don't know if that helps. I just wanted to let you know. Sorry I can't give more.
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