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Story of my life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lone Wanderer, Mar 13, 2010.

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  1. Lone Wanderer

    Lone Wanderer Member

    In a small industrial town, during the war in the Balkans, on the 21st August of 1992, a little boy was born in an old hospital. That boy is me. And this is my story.

    My parents met after my father was living some years alone with his daughter - my half-sister. My "dear" half-sister that hated my mother, and most of all, hated me. Ever since the day I was born, she had plenty of time to be alone with me since my parents worked a lot. She did lots of things to me. She didn't feed me. She hit me for the simplest things like dropping my bottle or toy. She forced me to stare for hours into a turned off TV and I wasn't allowed to move or she would hit me. She treated the damn cats better... And this went on until I was 8 years old, when she got married and finally left home.

    With 7 years I started going to school. And it was hell from the very beginning. I was a very good little boy, a very smart little boy, a shy and girly little boy. I paid for that. I got beaten up a lot, abused... Sigh... I snapped for the first time when I was 10. And I beat up a lot of the boys who did this. But I felt even worse than before. I cooled down and the abuse went on. I was slowly breaking and falling apart. All the good, bright, happy, hopeful, polite in me... Shattered... I became a loner. Aggressive towards many, befriended with a few.

    With 14 years I found out I was transgendered. A girl born in a boy's body. It wasn't surprising. And it hasn't changed at all 'till this day. It's NOT a phase.
    It was the first time I cried for help. But nobody understood. They rejected me. They judged me. The doctors, my parents, my friends. I was heartbroken.

    After that, to make it a bit shorter, I got many pills. None worked. I got through many therapies. None helped. I kept being depressed and nothing could help. Crap started when they locked me up in mental hospital for no 'effin reason. That broke me completely. After that I got locked up once more, got through more therapy and pills, again with no effect.
    After wanting to kill myself many times, and walking along the train tracks, one day I ultimately decided I'm done. I stole a crapload of pills, barricaded myself in my room, took around 70 pills, gulped them down with a bottle of strong blackberry wine and lay to sleep. I slept peacefully. But they found me in the morning, and brought me to the ER. It was almost too late. I almost died. But they saved me. Locked me up in mental hospital again....

    In the hospital I met a girl, she was like a sister to me. When I got out we were supposed to meet and hang out sometime. Few days after I left I got a call. She was dead... Only 13 years old.........

    I got home, got thrown out of school, lost all my friends. I started school again, but I still have no friends, nobody even notices me and when I try to socialize, well, they avoid me. My love life is a big failure too...

    And here I am today. Almost 18 and broken. I feel no joy in anything, no happiness, no hope. In the last month I tried killing myself a few times. I had no luck. The knife broke, and my body froze before I jumped in front of the train. I am not going to stop until I manage to successfully do it. I am going to try cutting my carotid artery as soon as my cousin leaves. I hope that this time I will succeed. In my dreams the angels call me to join them too...
    Sigh... Story of my life...

    Thanks for reading if you did...
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I read. I read it all and I'm so sorry for all you have been through.

    Do you think that if you could live as the person you know you are inside, that it could make a positive difference?
  3. Lone Wanderer

    Lone Wanderer Member

    Honestly at this moment I don't know if it would change my life for the better, but I know it would make me happier, because I'm the happiest when I get to be myself at rare times when I am alone at home. None of the last 3 years' incidents would have happened, and I wouldn't be in the state that I am in now if they just HELPED me when I asked them. Now it's just too late...

    If I was born a girl, at least I wouldn't end up hating myself if nothing else. My life wouldn't be like this... Life would be hard, it is life after all, but at least I would be myself. But I don't even have that...
  4. rostova

    rostova Member

    You are not alone. None of this is your fault. Anyone born into your situation - abusive step-sister, neglectful parents, gender identity issues - would have suffered just as much.

    Can you find a supportive organization for people with your background and interests? It's actually not uncommon to feel like you were born into the wrong gender. I know some very happy transgendered people--some of whom "changed" when they were just a couple years older than you. You have so much life ahead of you. I hope you won't give up before you even try to work things out.

    You say you are happy alone, but human interaction and companionship are extremely important for happiness... I think most people in this forum are struggling with loneliness. Please don't give up on other people just yet. :)
  5. Lone Wanderer

    Lone Wanderer Member

    Thanks for replying. But I have to say, it's not easy... I met many people throughout my short life. And a good 98% of them stabbed me in the back. I don't know who to trust anymore and to be honest I am afraid of trusting anyone...

    As for helpful organizations... I live in the south-eastern part of Europe, on the Balkan peninsula. Unlike the west countries, these countries here aren't really that developed in terms of... mostly common sense. People are narrow minded and always judge you. They treat every person with a mental problem the same. Even if it's just depression, you get treated like a madman. Like I said, they locked me up in mental hospital a few times for no reason saying it will help me. Like hell it did... And with the gender identity issues in these parts of the world it's even worse. You can get beaten up daily if someone knows you're for example just gay. And the police? They too laugh in your face and spread the word of your sexual preference. It doesn't even have to be known that you're gay or transgendered. Kiss a boy on the cheek for fun or try to hold his hand - boom, you're marked for no real reason. And that is you were just joking with a friend. Any support on these subjects ais non existant here. You should see the fuss there is when there's a small harmless gay parade... Sigh... Humans can be such animals...
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I wonder if maybe making it an aim to move to a more accepting country might help? It could be something to work towards over the coming years, and it then might allow you the acceptance you desperately need to allow you to be yourself.
  7. Lone Wanderer

    Lone Wanderer Member

    Yeah well, that was my plan... But I have two more years of high school and I'm forced to go to college here which is another 4 years and then I'll have to get work to get money which is more and more years of this senseless bull people call life... You really think I will manage to survive in my current state for another 6+ years? I kind of doubt it...
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I think that when you look at 6 years as a whole, it looks completely unachievable.However, if you forget things as a whole and just focus on getting through any one moment, you can achieve more than you would ever believe you can.

    What about it you were able to go to college or uni elsewhere?
  9. Lone Wanderer

    Lone Wanderer Member

    My family is very poor and I can be happy if I manage to get into college in the capital city.More things could be done if we only had more money... I have a friend who said she could help me get to the US, but who knows...
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