Something I've been thinking a lot about lately, perhaps despair is relative. I know that I've had a lot of unfortunate and unfair happenings in my life. I also know that there are people who have had it a lot worse, and people who have had it a lot easier than me. But despair is in all of us. It's like a gas that expands and fills the mind, until you can't see anything else. My mother died when I was 15 of cancer. I'm overweight, hyperactive, and depressed. I feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone. I never seem to come first. But then I look at all that I do have, and it doesn't make me feel any better. And then I feel selfish. I don't want to blame my problems on-well-my problems. I have everything I need to kill myself, you know. I have the plan, the time, the place, and the fury. But I don't think I'll do it. No one knows I feel this way, as I'm one of those people who lies to their therapist. I take medication that doesn't work. I know what it takes to be happy, but I don't seem to want to be happy. Sigmund Freud had a theory that inside of everyone exists a 'suicide impulse', which means that we all desire to return to the state of perfect stillness that we experienced before birth. Does anyone else hear truth in that?