Strangely Calm.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bumper, Dec 31, 2006.

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  1. bumper

    bumper Well-Known Member

    After 3 painfully sleepless night, I woke up this morning with one thing on my mind. It’s the same thing that is always on my mind, but today just felt different.
    Over the past few nights I have been tormented. My heart has pounded, I’ve been shaking and crying, and plagued with anxiety and frustration. Sleeping 15 minutes at a time, among hours and hours of pain and nausea.

    So after my last 15 minute nap I finally got out of bed and made some coffee. I felt strange. I looked around the house and realized that there is absolutely nothing here for me. And there never will be. While these are common thoughts, today I felt OK with it. Because I somehow knew it was going to be my last day on Earth.

    I’ve been through this many times, and I have tried to kill myself on a number of occasions. But during all those times I have screaming in frustration and anger. I leave the house in tears, and scream at the top of my lungs as I drive away to kill myself. But all of those times I have failed. I yell and scream and get it out of my system. Then when the moment comes to end my life I am calm, and I chicken out.

    But today I started out calm. I moved slowly around the house. Put some things away and packed up a bit to make it easier on my roomate. Then I tossed my “essentials” into the back of the car and calmly drove away.
    “Goodbye” I said as I left the driveway. No tears. No screaming. No frustration or anger or anxiety.
    I was going to die.

    So I found my way to a nice spot, and since we aren’t allowed to discuss methods on this forum I’ll just say I “proceeded to prepare everything”.
    Once everything was prepared I calmly sat down and just waited. I had never felt like this before. Every other time I have tried to kill myself I have been filled with torment and confusion.

    But not this time.

    Every other time I have tried to kill myself, my instincts have taken over and my mind has been flooded with hopeful thoughts. I would think “what if.....” and then chicken out and go back to my life of misery.

    But not this time.

    No thoughts of hope. For there is no more hope to go around. I have exhausted every single resource there is. My mind can’t fool itself anymore. And as I calmly sat there, I thought about my life and my pain and my suffering.

    And I still couldn’t do it.
    I couldn’t follow through with the final steps. I was the closest I have ever been. But I just couldn’t do it.

    But this time I don’t really view it as a failure. I don’t feel as if I chickened out. I came the closest I have ever come to death, and it felt good. Even though I didn’t succeed I feel as if this one was a step in the right direction. I can’t try to kill myself when my mind is racing and I am freaking out. I can’t try to kill myself when I am acting irrationally.

    I need to kill myself when I am calm and rational. Because reality hurts the worst.

    So now I’m back at home, and still in the strangely calm mood. And if this persists I am going to try again this evening. And if necessary, I need to keep trying and trying until I get it right. But only when I’m calm and ready.

    I guess it just takes practice.
  2. GorillaMeat

    GorillaMeat New Member

    Hey Bumper,​
    Its good to hear that you didn't go through with it, i guess theirs hope for all of us. I get that feeling sometimes to, the feeling that this is the end and to turn back would make you a liar on top of everything else. I feel that for me i get that feeling because i crave to just feel, to know that I'm not dead inside. But these are all just feelings we have, synapses firing in our brains. You may not feel the same but sometimes that feeling can make me smile, knowing that i can be capable of such powerful emotions. Either that or I'm just crazy. Nevertheless try to hold on man.​

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