Don't want to live. Don't want to die. Want to be alone and just watch the world go by, judging it and trying to avoid judgment. Don't want to work. Does that make me lazy? Is that my depression, my anxiety for being around people or am I making those things up to feel better about not working? Haven't worked in five years. Couldn't hold a steady job before then. No references. Poor work history. How am I supposed to get a job now? Particularly one that doesn't suck? Feel no joy in life, but I'm supposed to do a job that I'll hate despite that. Required to participate in all the shitty parts of life, but no guarantee of the good. That's not completely true. I have a good friend and a mother who love me. They shouldn't. My brother's wife works while he stays at home. They have no children. She had an affair and, as reparations, he gets to be a house husband. I think that's emotional blackmail, but I'm jealous as all heck. And he says I'm a psychopath. Fantasize about finding my own partner to be a house husband to. Problem is, I'm terrified of sex and I'm ugly. Not going to happen. "You've got to love yourself, before others can love you," I've been told. Never learned how to do that. Don't know how to teach myself. Wish I would just die in my sleep tonight. That way there would be less "drama" around my death. I know it would still hurt the few friends and family who still care, but society is more accepting of death caused by physical means than by mental ones. So many mistakes I've made. Really. You'd be disgusted if you knew. No chance of happiness. Only of subsistence. Why do I have to live? For what reason? Likely to end up homeless if I don't kill myself first. Pets get treated better than homeless people do. People have room for a pet in their home, feed it, and expect nothing more than a smiling face when they get home. Homeless people, most people couldn't care less. I think every person deserves food and a private room. EVERY PERSON! With no strings attached. Much to my chagrin, I'm not God. We put animals to sleep and call it humane. I'm a broken, failed human but I still would like a humane death. Please, someone, give it to me.