Stream of Consciousness

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by averse, Dec 10, 2010.

  1. averse

    averse Account Closed

    Don't want to live. Don't want to die.

    Want to be alone and just watch the world go by, judging it and trying to avoid judgment.

    Don't want to work. Does that make me lazy? Is that my depression, my anxiety for being around people or am I making those things up to feel better about not working?

    Haven't worked in five years. Couldn't hold a steady job before then. No references. Poor work history. How am I supposed to get a job now? Particularly one that doesn't suck?

    Feel no joy in life, but I'm supposed to do a job that I'll hate despite that. Required to participate in all the shitty parts of life, but no guarantee of the good.

    That's not completely true. I have a good friend and a mother who love me. They shouldn't.

    My brother's wife works while he stays at home. They have no children. She had an affair and, as reparations, he gets to be a house husband. I think that's emotional blackmail, but I'm jealous as all heck. And he says I'm a psychopath.

    Fantasize about finding my own partner to be a house husband to. Problem is, I'm terrified of sex and I'm ugly. Not going to happen. "You've got to love yourself, before others can love you," I've been told. Never learned how to do that. Don't know how to teach myself.

    Wish I would just die in my sleep tonight. That way there would be less "drama" around my death. I know it would still hurt the few friends and family who still care, but society is more accepting of death caused by physical means than by mental ones.

    So many mistakes I've made. Really. You'd be disgusted if you knew. No chance of happiness. Only of subsistence. Why do I have to live? For what reason?

    Likely to end up homeless if I don't kill myself first. Pets get treated better than homeless people do. People have room for a pet in their home, feed it, and expect nothing more than a smiling face when they get home. Homeless people, most people couldn't care less.

    I think every person deserves food and a private room. EVERY PERSON! With no strings attached. Much to my chagrin, I'm not God.

    We put animals to sleep and call it humane. I'm a broken, failed human but I still would like a humane death. Please, someone, give it to me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 10, 2010
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I would like for you to reach out and get some therapy any therapy that will change your thinking so you can have that life that will bring you happiness therapy in the right hands can help You are useless you are not
  3. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    I haven't held a job for more than 9 days since 2003. So that's .. 7 years? So I think me and you have something in common.

    Now, I know I can work. I just haven't looked for any because: a) there's not a lot around here b) i get stuck in a ditch worrying that i'm not good enough c) i'm afraid i'll get a job that either is outside too much or the hours are too crazy. But you know what? Everytime i've got a job, I get used to it after a week or so and I've found that I do a damn good job too. I might spent too much time trying to do a good job, or quit a job when I think it's too much for me, but if that's the worst thing an employer can stick to my forehead then I feel proud of it. I know there're worse people out there than me that have a job. I know that if I really look for one, I'll eventually find one. If I can just get over myself and my fears, and summon the energy to look on a consistent basis, I'll find something. And with enough time I'll have enough stored away that I have something on my name. Not much, but better than nothing!

    I just thought i'd post something a little more positive than my last few posts on here. I believe you when you say you're lazy and haven't worked for 5 years because I've been there, but I don't believe you when you say there's no job out there for you. I believe there're many jobs I'm ok with because I"m ok with probably 3/8 jobs i've had. I know there's a job out there for you.

    I'm not god. I didn't determine that everything in our society is so much based on our income. Without a satisfactory income you're going to be down on yourself and scrambling to meet life's demands. Part of it is that we're in a recession and our institutions are hemorrhaging BS on a daily basis. What I think they need to do is to regulate the fat cats and re-establish that YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO BUSINESS IN THIS NATION UNTIL YOU DO IT RESPONSIBLY. Right now people out there are paying for other peoples losses. That's not fair. Sure, I'm mooching off my parents right now and i have no room to speak because others are paying for my losses, but that doesn't change the fact what I'm saying is true. Some fat cats and political pricks and high rollers fubbered our economy and now we're all having to compensate for it. When you look at history you see that the republic***s and democraps both participated in removing regulations and letting people do business in such a way that it's irresponsible. It doesn't matter -how- it's irresponsible or -how- it fails. What matters is it fails. So if i remove a regulation and it fails, then it fails, If I remove an obstacle in business to help poor people be better off and it fails, then it fails. Lets not BS or be self-righteous or think that screaming louder makes sh** into ice cream.

    Sometimes I wonder if the wars and the fears about AGW are somehow contributing to the recession. My last paragraph details the technical aspects of the BS going on. The housing crisis. Big business and whatever else. People losing their homes and their savings. I'm talking about other things now. Could it be that something is different about this generation. Are we worrying about these wars and planet earth too much? I'm generally a practical person so if someone told me this I'd just say to them that people have always worried about things so nothing is different. But maybe the fact that we've always worried about things is part of the reason disasters and recessions happen? Or maybe they've always had a negative influence on overall productivity somehow. Or maybe i'm spreading more BS and lies. Maybe it's good that we worry. I just sometimes wonder whether the information age, while a great thing for business and for education, is not somehow making us all worry more than necessary. I mean, never before have disasters been so well known globally.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 11, 2010