Stress keeps piling on...need help

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by TornWings, Dec 4, 2011.

  1. TornWings

    TornWings New Member

    This is going to be a long read:

    Since I'm new here, and I just wanted to try and see if others are in the same state I'm in. Or if you have anything to tell me that can possibly help me..
    So I'm 20 years old, I've had an ok life, parents are great, they've always loved and supported me, but I've always felt sheltered. Most of it is my own doing because some experiences in elementary school, middle school and high school have left me emotionally scarred. I liked to think I had a level head, I know right from wrong, I have a good personality I care about people, always wanted to make friends but for some reason I got picked on. Not alot just abit and I would ignore it. I stood up for myself and I always spoke out in elementary school and I didn't have many problems (though there was on incident that I don't remember too clearly, a girl who didn't like me for whatever reason, cut my hair with scissors) But the rest of it was ok, now middle school is really when something changed in me.

    Two things that forever haunt me. One is I don't have the clearest voice in the world, it's relatively low and also somewhat deep for a girl. Another is my hair had been pretty short then at my neck at most, and for whatever reason my mom got sick of me always being the pigtail girl and never doing anything with my hair so she decided to get me a weave. Pretty much hair extensions that you clip in your hair to make it longer and at first I didn't mind it at all, it looked nice and was kinda cool to see myself with long hair. I was pretty shy at middle school I had lost all my previous friends that I had grew up with and was heavily into drawing, art is my passion, so I doodled in every notebook, through every class until I was known as 'the quiet girl who draws'. Met some good friends through it and we all had fun. Around 7th grade somehow it had got out that I wore a weave, so some kid that I had known and was actually friends with suddenly had the idea to at lunch one day, in front of EVERYONE, PULL IT OFF OF MY HEAD AND RUN AROUND WITH IT. (excuse the caps) Mind you, half of the school was there and saw this happen to me, leaving me to look like a complete idiot while I try to get it back, and he ended up later throwing it on the ground. I was in the middle of a big crowd being laughed at by everyone.... I could've just cried right there... but I don't normally show my emotions like that.. so I tried to get back the weave and went inside, and ignore the whole situation. I never wanted any trouble from anyone, it's just not me, I avoid trouble, and I avoid fights. So I never told my parents about this, I know however if I did they would've asked why didn't I stand up for myself and fight back, but I wouldn't have been able to, it's just how my personality is. They always told me if anyone picked on me or started a fight with me, to defend myself and hit back, and if the school threatened suspension on me, they would be there to back me up as I was just trying to defend and I get good grades and everything. But I wasn't combative, so I let the incident slide, I just didn't want any trouble.

    Later after that event everyone knew me as the weave girl, people would constantly tease me, that boy would continue to harass me and pulled off my weave at least another 2 times, and I did nothing. Even my friends laughed at me, but continued to be my friends. People continually talked about me right in front of my face and I just tried my best to ignore it. Along with that the subject of my voice came in and everyone made fun of that too. Before I knew it my way of thinking got warped and I swear to god I wanted to kill that boy, I even chucked a metal pencil sharpener at his head from 5 ft away and it hit him too, and knowing full well that my middle school had cameras in the hall. I secretly wished to kill him and wondered what happen, what I'd do and I never told anyone anything about it.

    High school came around, I once again lost all of my friends as they went to different schools and was totally utterly alone and that's when depression really sunk in. Around this time my parents started fighting alot, most because my mom (who had me at 19, and never went to college) started trying to better herself and start taking classes in college to try and go for nursing, because she didn't want to continually be stuck just getting by. It caused arguments between my parents because dad, who also hasn't gone to college either, it kind of satisfied with his job and doesn't want to change. So now my school life was non-existent and my home life was getting to be bad on itself. Sadly to say I'm not that close to them as I mostly just hide my feelings away from everyone, I don't try to get any help, I had absolutely no one to talk to and cried at school in places no one could see. I started getting more violent, using my art skill to draw disturbing and bloody pictures and I even thought about and attempted suicide. In the end I didn't succeed, and I told no one about my attempt, and kept it all inside.

    ...Now present day. My life has been getting more stressful, I've been out of high school since 2009, because of my lack of confidence, I feel that im not good enough for anything, afraid to get into things, and because of my voice I'm extremely self conscious. I haven't even gotten a job yet because of how my voice makes me feel and it's hard to ignore.
    I have a boyfriend now, who's the sweetest thing in the world, but its a long distance relationship. We met online, but I know he's truthful, but I know parent's won't allow it (grew up in the generation in which every person online is a creep and fake people) I haven't even told them yet. Another thing is that since I finished highschool I've had no clue what to go into for a major for college, I've always had passion for art since I was young, had good enough grades in high school, and I've gotten into an art program if I wanted. But since my parents are both work in a hospital they figure to have me go into it too because it provides stable money,though I agree it is stable, its not what I want to do. If thats not bad enough at this point in time my mom is actually in the nursing program in her own college and she's been going through hell. She hasn't had a break in years, constantly going class after class. Always stressing out, working a full time job at the same time. She's also failing out of the program and has to try again later next year. This is now discouraging me from even wanting to try for myself, it's already something I feel forced into going into, I don't have an interest in it, and now doing my prerequisites for the program, taking classes here and there but I'm not doing well in one of my classes... and I skipped out on class twice last week to help my mom with papers on her nursing classes. (I felt bad because of all the work she had to do, she had multiple projects due this week, and mostly because I just don't care about nursing for myself or that class anymore) I've been doing horrible on tests even though I've studied for them and were confident on my answers, and I just don't care anymore. It all feels like too much pressure and stress for me, and I've been feeling so many different emotions... I'm thinking of suicide again too... -sigh- the strangest part is I've always felt like i've been on the outside looking into my life, I see right and wrong, I see the consequences of actions, I know suicide is wrong... I know my parents would be crushed, I know my boyfriend would be devastated... but I just feel so lost, scared, I don't know what I'm doing with my life..i'm trying to hide my tears from them, but everything just hurts... If you've read this thank you for your time.. I'd appreciate some opinions or some guidance with how i'm feeling...
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are overwhelmed hun and you are depressed and you need a way out. YOu have to talk to someone hun at your college a councillor someone okay and get somehelp to one get you out of the depression and two to get you on a path of your own chosing. You love art then you get into a career path that has art in it. There are many paths you can use your art with hun that pay very well. Talk to acouncillor at your school YOU need to live your life now not what your parents want for you Please reach out okay and talk to someone about your thoughts and feelings You don't have to stay stuck where you are hun get talking get the help you deserve.
     
  3. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you are very overwhelmed right now, and if it's not too forward, I'd like to make a suggestion for a temporary fix until you can figure out what it is you want to do with your life.
    Look into an online school such as Kaplan in your area that offers a Medical Billing and Coding program. This is something you can do from home (the study as well as the job once you complete the program) so you don't have to worry about your insecurities with your voice. It's a 9 month program, 8 months of classes and 1 month of on the job training, I believe.
    It may not be an immediate interest for you, but it could be more of a stepping stone, and a holdover to get you through while you are finding yourself, overcoming your insecurities and figuring out what you want to do with your life.

    I am glad you found us here, as this is a really good step in learning to communicate your feelings to those who care for you the most; we all lean on one another and while we don't always see eye to eye on everything, when one of us in crisis, the rest come to the rescue with words of encouragement and advice. Welcome to the forum :)