Stress of being the sole provider

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jahir76, Feb 10, 2014.

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  1. Jahir76

    Jahir76 New Member

    I hate being the sole provider for my family. I hate that so much rides on me and my career. I hate that if I lose my job I am totally screwed. I should be hopeful, I should realize that people get fired and move on, they find new work, but I've been looking while employed for over a year and have found nothing. I hate this constant anxiety and worry. I think about this and then I think about just being dead - no worries, no stress, no ambition, no pain, no regret, no anger, no loss, no shame, just nothing... I picture myself slipping of a train platform and getting slammed by an oncoming express.... I don't know why I haven't done it yet....

    My kids would be devastated as would my wife. I keep reading the suicide clause in my life insurance policy, it says it will not pay if suicide happens in the first two years. I've had the policy for longer than that.... so I'm thinking they will get the money and with it, some financial security.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Jahir, losing a loved one could never possibly be "made up for" by money. YOU provide so much more than financial support to your loved give them love, are a father, a husband, a sounding board, offer guidance, wisdom, experience, caring, help them develop values, ethics, you give YOURSELF.

    Nothing in the world is fully guaranteed, and we cannot predict the future. So, it is undoubtedly hard to be the sole provider. Just think, though, all the energy we spend on worrying about the "what ifs" in life is energy we could be spending on enjoying the present. That doesn't mean we don't have a fall back plan or that we can completely escape the worry, but we could try to live as much and more in the present than we do in a state of fear of things that have not yet happened and might never happen.

    Is your present job secure? Are there reasons other than the general state of the world economy that are making you feel insecure about your job? Perhaps your mind is spinning out the worst case scenarios and you've become preoccupied with that. I think it's better to focus on keeping the job we have, doing well at it, looking for something better if that is our goal (and that can take time!), than it is to consider offing oneself. As I said above, I'm quite sure that you give much more than financial support to your family. Your relationship with them cannot be measured or replaced by money.

    If you are stressed, Suicide Forum is a good place to come and vent so that you can get some support. Please stay safe and take good care of yourself. Many people - your family and people here who have read your thread - care! :hug:
  3. Jahir76

    Jahir76 New Member

    I've been in my current job for a couple of years and with the organization for more than 14 years. But, I know that doesn't mean anything in today's world. People with 20+ years have been let go without an ounce of remorse or guilt. I've made some mistakes that could cost me my job. Whether that happens or not really depends on how my boss takes it. I may have earned enough brownie points to have my mistakes chalked up to "business as usual" aka "breakage" and we all just move on. But, things are political here so who knows what forces are against me or not, and who knows what mood my boss is in at the moment.... there is no security in this world for most people. You just make due and pray nothing goes wrong. I'm just not sure I'm cut out for this way of life.

    The words you wrote Acy are the reasons why I haven't yet slipped off a train platform to meet an oncoming express. It's odd that I worry about the dread I would leave my family with even though I wouldn't be around to experience it. I'm not very useful to them these days as I am absorbed by my anxiety and worry. I go to work, come home, eat, play games, sleep, do it all over. Conversations are lacking. My wife wants to fill me on the days events, everything that happened at school, at home, and I just don't want to hear it because it's always more things to be anxious about. Just pile it on. I expressed this to her - can we talk about something that isn't wrapped around some semblance of the shitty aspects of our lives or the challenges that we face? But no, everyday it's an update on my son's progress in school (he's on the autism spectrum) and what this teacher said or that teacher said and how this happened and that happened. I know this stuff is important, but it's all she talks about, 24x7, it drives me crazy. That's why I escape to video games - I just zone out and lose myself for hours. So you may be thinking I don't help myself do better. Not true. I just finished grad school, spent a lot of money on that, and it turns out to have zero impact on my career mobility - the fancy school name on my resume is not opening any new doors.

    I read many of the posts on this forum and know that I sound like big f-ing baby. Many folks have problems that are so much more stressful and daunting than mine. I don't know what's wrong with me.
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I was a single parent, my son's father barely paid a pittance so everything was down to me.
    I did some ridiculous jobs to keep body and soul together, dressing up as leprechaun (don't ask lol) and cleaning other people's houses, which I hated.
    Once the kids were old enough (I fostered as well as having my son), I went back into medicine and retrained as a cardiac tech.
    This meant holding down the job and studying every night, I was exhausted but we do what we must.
    I too got periods where I felt so stressed and, yes there's no nicer way of putting it, resentful!
    I don't have any answers, other than could your wife not get at least a part time job?
    This way you could save her money to tied you all over if the worst happened.
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