I hate being the sole provider for my family. I hate that so much rides on me and my career. I hate that if I lose my job I am totally screwed. I should be hopeful, I should realize that people get fired and move on, they find new work, but I've been looking while employed for over a year and have found nothing. I hate this constant anxiety and worry. I think about this and then I think about just being dead - no worries, no stress, no ambition, no pain, no regret, no anger, no loss, no shame, just nothing... I picture myself slipping of a train platform and getting slammed by an oncoming express.... I don't know why I haven't done it yet.... My kids would be devastated as would my wife. I keep reading the suicide clause in my life insurance policy, it says it will not pay if suicide happens in the first two years. I've had the policy for longer than that.... so I'm thinking they will get the money and with it, some financial security.