Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by meesh, Nov 17, 2010.

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  1. meesh

    meesh Member

    stressed - first post

    I am a 22 year old female, and a first year law student. I have had thoughts of suicide for 10 years, made a few attempts as a teen, and I've also self-injured since I was 12. Toward the end of high school and all through college I self-medicated with drugs and alcohol, and began having suicidal thoughts and self-injuring again about a year ago. I also have a history of making myself throw up/starving myself which has become something I do far too frequently these last few months. Seems like I'll do just about anything to hurt myself.

    I just want to give up. So much stress, so much pressure, and for what? To enter into a field that is known for its high rate of suicides. If I am not in the top half of my class, I lose my scholarship. I'm not as smart as I thought. I'm not doing well. And I have no one to talk to. I don't trust anyone enough to tell them how I feel. I feel very lonely, like I am just fundamentally different from all of my friends, my family, and especially from my classmates. I just don't want to do it anymore. xxxxx, I would have used it long ago, but sadly my family is not one of the many in America that exercises their 2nd Amendment right.

    I feel like a zombie. I am going through the motions, but my mind is completely occupied by thoughts of suicide. I don't know what to do anymore, besides just give in.

    "People are strange when you're a stranger" - This lyric sums up my existence.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 17, 2010
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu get in and ask for help okay talk to a coucillor a therapist and get on some medication so you can think clearer. Stress depletes everything you need to talk to someone about your situation a doctor has to keep your files confidentialty just do it okay You can ask for some meds they will take away these thought and help you concentrate to get those marks higher a coucillor a therpaist will give you skills needed to survive the stress please don't put it off anymore
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    People are not strangers here...and glad you posted...the first year of any program is a significant adjustment, and comes with so much stress...add to that you are away from everything you know and ppl you trust..of course, you feel overwhelmed and your coping mechanisms are being there a counseling service at your school that might provide additional support or services in a student health plan?...please continue to let us know how you are doing and use the support we have many ppl understand this type of pressure...welcome again, J
  4. meesh

    meesh Member

    My school does have a psychologist and I have considered seeing him but I really don't feel comfortable... I have never been to any kind of psychologist or psychiatrist before and I'm not sure how helpful he would really be considering this is not completely law school induced but is something I have been dealing with for a long time.
  5. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    i'm a first year medical student...i am 22 (turning 23 sunday) depression/suicidal-ness started 10 years ago as's on and off for years, and i've been depressed again since january this year and suicidal since got progressively worse, peaking in september, which was towards the end of my first month of medical that point, i couldn't focus...i couldn't study at all...i was falling wayyyyy behind...but how the hell could i possibly focus when my only thoughts were ways to kill myself...

    so, i knew i had to do something...i went to the school's counselors...the psychologists...and just talked to them...meesh, i swear to you, this therapist is LITERALLY saving my life right now, and my future career...NONE of my problems are medical school related...not a single classmates are amazing and the curriculum is interesting to me...and, i'm good at school...but, i am new here...i don't know anybody well enough to tell them what i'm going got to the point where i was scared of myself, and i NEEDED somebody to know so they could stop me...and, i NEEDED to focus, so i wouldn't fail out of medical school

    you should try going to a psychologist...they are AMAZING and helpful...and it will be awkward for the first few weeks...i strongly encourage you to call them...and you know what, your first therapist may not be right for may need to change therapists, but eventually you will find one who will click with you...

    your law school psychologist is probably very well versed in non-law-school-related issues...

    try them out!

    and keep posting here...

    and PM me if u wish...we sound like we're in the same shoes...

    hang in there...
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i really truly hope you do this for you Having someone who listens and who cares can help decrease the stress greatly. It will be a great step in getting the help you need to succeed okay. Please do this for you psychologist will guide you thru the sessions just be open abt what is going on okay
  7. meesh

    meesh Member

    We do seem to have a lot in common, that is encouraging! The thing is, I am not far from friends or family. I live at home and commute to school. However, my college friends are dispersed throughout a different state, and I feel very disconnected from my home friends after 4 years being away most of the time. Also, both of my siblings are gone so it is mostly just me and my parents, and I cannot tell them anything. I am too ashamed. I have been dealing with this for so long and for so long I have wanted to see a psychiatrist, but I really think what is holding me back is what my family will think of me. Everyone will start thinking I'm crazy and act different around me, I know it. This goes for my siblings and extending family, too. They are not the most understanding or empathetic people. I already feel like the black sheep. I don't want to ostracize myself anymore than I already have naturally. I feel like I would rather die and keep all of this a secret than live but have to admit this all to my family.

    Perhaps I could see the psychologist at school, but he is not licensed to prescribe medication and I feel that that is probably something I need. It all seems so pointless. I work hard, I am generally good at school, but like you I am so consumed in my depression and suicidal thoughts that homework is beginning to fall by the wayside. Just in time for finals! It seems pointless when I'm hoping I won't even be alive in the next few months.

    I guess my biggest issue is the shame and embarrassment of my family finding out. If I went to a psychiatrist not related to my school, they would have to know, and I can't handle that.
  8. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    seriously, no joke, we have a LOT in family DOES NOT all!!!...i would rather die than let them find out...i have a younger brother and my two parents, and they have no idea...if i needed to be hospitalized, i couldn't do it, cuz they would have to know...they're not too accepting...(when this started, i was 12 and symptoms included loss of appetite, so i LITERALLY DID NOT EAT for like 8 months, minus a few bites of like french fries or something once a week...i didn't know what was going on, so i didn't know to hide it...and they did NOTHING...WTF?)...yeah, so you don't have to explain not wanting your family to know, cuz i COMPLETELY understand...

    anyways, go see your school'll be surprised to find out that they actually probably do have a psychiatrist on staff, or one who comes in once every few days/weeks/months...b/c the field of psych truly believes that the best treatment is a combination of therapy AND meds...

    i am seeing my school psychologist...i keep this from my parents by paying for ALL appointments in cash so it doesn't get billed to bursar...i have actually never been on medications, but i am at the end of my wits, and for the first time, i saw a psychiatrist (through the school)...i got meds prescribed...and i told her my family didn't know so i couldn't put the meds on insurance, and she was very understanding and prescribed a cheaper drug which i can afford...i am planning on taking the first dose over thanksgiving break, because the side effects last about two weeks and include insomnia and drowsiness (agh!) so i don't have time for that while in school...

    furthermore, let me point out that i am NOT on meds yet...but, i am still doing SO MUCH better since i started seeing my therapist....i still have a lot of the symptoms (can't concentrate, fatigue, suicidal thoughts) and i'm still prolly going to fail my exam that is tomorrow and friday, but day to day living is a little more bearable...and it is easier to focus during class (whereas b4, i used to just think about killing myself the entire time)...however, i still can't study, which is why i want to try meds (i wish they'd give me adderall, eh?)

    i STRONGLY encourage you to go to your school psychologist...and contact me if you have ANY questions about anything...i've mastered hiding things from my parents, btw...(i started going to a psychologist in undergrad and have been hiding this for 3 years...also, undergrad was on the other side of the country from me, so i understand not having your college friends around and feeling disconnected from the friends who you went to high school with cuz you haven't seen them in 4 years...we are in the same shoes, pretty much)...

    hang in there!!!
  9. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    yeah, seeing the psychologist might help.

    if you don't like law school and don't want to be a lawyer, I don't see why you should force yourself to go through law school when you are feeling suicidal.

    there might be a strategy for disguising medical treatments from your parents.
  10. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    hey meesh

    sorry i've been MIA for a few days

    how are you doing???
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