Stressed beyond my limits

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hopelss, May 14, 2015.

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  1. Hopelss

    Hopelss Member

    A few years back I lost my job due to back problems, I have spinal stenosis coupled with 2 bulging disks. That combined with the fact that for the previous 10 years I had been a truck driver so my back was taking a beating while being seated and unmoving for such long periods of time cause the muscles in that area of my back to atrophy. It started slowly I found I was in pain when I had to stand or walk for more than few minutes, but instead of taking time off of work to get it checked I simply reduced how much i stood or walked in order to keep working. This facilitated a nasty cycle where the less I did the more weight I gained, the more weight I gained the more pain I was in so I did less. Eventually I could no longer perform the required tasks for the job and found myself over 450 pounds. I had disability insurance and that kicked in because the doctors stated I could no longer do the job.

    Doctors that I went to took the approach of pain management and instead focused on my weight, they were sure that i had heart problems, so sure that even when a stress test came back fine they still order a heart cath. The doctor that performed the procedure said that I had the heart of a teenager, nothing wrong. Doctors still could only see my weight when i went to them and ignored my back, they went so far as to order me physical therapy which was a miserable failure, it put me in so much pain that for every day I spent doing it i spent 2 days unable to do much more than sit in pain and not move. By this time i no longer had medical coverage but since i am a veteran the VA covers me for that but their care is more of the same, manage the pain (100mg of Tramadol 4 times per day, 1600mg methocarbamol 4 times per day 30mg meloxicam twice a day).

    This has gone on over the past 3 years, during this time I lost the relationship that I had been in for the last 10 years including the 2 kids of hers that I considered my own, I lost my license and vehicle because I didnt have the money to keep the vehicle nor the energy/inclination to renew the license, and was forced to move. Through it all I had been being supported by the small monthly check I get from the disability insurance, they also started my disability claim which has been turned down twice because they state that I can still work if I do so seated, they fail to take into account that with exception of a recliner at the house that I have cushions duct taped in the perfect places I can not sit in any other chairs for more than 15-20 min before the pain gets to be bad enough that I need to move. I dont sleep well either, 2-3 hours max at a time before the pain wakes me up and i have to go sit in the recliner, so my days are a constant cycle of sleep until pain is more than i can sleep through then sit up until the exhaustion out weighs the pain. The disability company retained a law firm that specializes in disability claims and they have gotten me a hearing for my appeal.

    This brings me to now, I live in a house with a roommate, he helps as he can with taking me places when he isnt working, the house is rural so no public transportation is available, I have lost some weight but am still around 400, I am about a month out from my hearing and stressing out over it cause I fear if it is denied then my source of income will go leaving me homeless and hopeless. Having spent the majority of the past 15 years on the road doing long haul trucking the only friends I have are online ones in far away places and family is not an option for help, all of this has me thinking about an exit strategy to end the pain, suffering and stress.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If your doctor states you are disabled then the who can go against t hat make sure you have all documentations from your specialist doctors ok stating the pain you are in and the amt of time you can sit and even then you are in pain and stand and walk etc If you have all this then you cannot be denied your disability
  3. Hopelss

    Hopelss Member

    Unfortunately the days where they take you personal doctors word for it are gone, they send you to be examine by their own doctors who are not familiar with your case. Thats what they did with me and that doctor said I could work a sedentary job despite my telling him of the pain and how long i can sit/walk/stand. The lawyers told me that this is standard practice now since the government are trying to cut spending on these programs they deny the highest majority of claims without fully taking the facts into consideration, thats why you have to get a lawyer and get a hearing. I my self would rather work, sitting at home all the time has had me in deep depression for a long time, if I could solve the transportation issue i think I would rather just deal with the extra pain and find a job and avoid the stress that this court date is causing.
  4. Leolsrik

    Leolsrik Well-Known Member

    Even if it's very stressful, you should definitely fight for your right to disability insurance. It will give you a crucial safety net if you can't get a job, and give you ample time to sort out the transportation problem.

    Also, it sound like you'd really benefit from changing your diet so as to lose weight. If it reduces the pain even a small amount, it will be worth it.
  5. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Most approvals for SSDI happen at the the hearing level. In most places more cases are approved then denied at the hearing stage and the fact is if you read through the way disability is written up the only way to have it approved prior to the hearing with the judge is if you have one of very short list of diagnosed conditions. My "hearing" lasted all of 5 minutes and I was told she approving the entire claim on the spot so just watch the mail for award letter and bank account for deposits to starts. I hope you have similar good fortune, and my case is no way out of the norm for this area so do not overly stress or start making all sorts of plans before you hear back from the hearing (some judges do not tell you what they intend to do so not telling you how intend to rule means little or nothing as well. I am sorry you are in pain and know how bad that is to deal with and certainly are a lot of things that are making your life difficult, but you are finally near the point where some things have the possibility to start looking up if you are just a few weeks from the hearing too.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  6. Hopelss

    Hopelss Member

    I hope that mine goes this easy, I dont have much in medical records to take in though, with my lack of transportation my medical care has been intermittent at best, usually once every 6-10 months is all. So hopefully going in and telling my story and what records I do have is enough, getting this would be a great load off of my shoulders and allow me to relax a bit and focus on getting better and losing weight (I tend to be a stress and comfort eater so this situation is doing me no good in that department). I have relaxed a bit though as I do have a temporary backup plan now, if denied I will run out of money in June but the owner of the house said he could float me for a month and I should get my overage check from school loans by the end of July to get me another month or so after that.
  7. Leolsrik

    Leolsrik Well-Known Member

    It's good to hear you're a bit more optimistic now! Good luck with the hearing and do make sure to come by and tell us how it went. Hopefully you'll be approved without issue and you'll be able to improve your life after that.
  8. Hopelss

    Hopelss Member

    Not so optimistic now, had my hearing day come up but it got postponed because my lawyer got delayed, another month of stress to go and to add to it my lawyer informs me that the judge assigned to my case has an average approval % of 21% which means she denies 79% of all cases she hears, the national average for approval is 56%. So my lawyer has already told me to expect denial and not only that but expect her to be hostile toward me as well because she has a reputation for that as well. He has stated what the appeal would be, trying to get them to finally send me to a back specialist and a mental health person for my depression but I dont think I am going to have that kind of time left before i am homeless or dead or both.
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