I recently secured employment with a large closed door pharmaceutical corporation, one of the biggest in America. The pay is great, full time + beaucoup overtime, good healthcare benefits, etc. Everyone is very nice and helpful, though one person is a touch stand offish but for the most part, people working here love their job. One of the head pharmacists told me they call it Hotel California Syndrome because once you get in, you never leave! This is my first job out of Pharm Tech school. Shortly after I got my national certification they hired me. I honestly didn't think I'd land the job. I've been here little over 1 month and I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed; not by the work or the hours but because I absolutely HATE making mistakes. They're inconsequential and part of the learning process but every time I get called over by the Pharmacist because I miscounted partials, I feel like they're all judging me. I fear they're thinking "This person is nationally certified and schooled, why is he fucking up? Why is he struggling with basic fractions? He's not going to last very long." Two days ago we got nearly 2 dozen STAT orders and I had to fill them all because another employee (the stand offish one) left without warning. Just up and walked out without telling anyone, leaving me and another tech to play last minute catch up. Several of the labels were for partials and the clock was ticking before the courier would arrive to pick up the medications. I made several mistakes that kept everyone else waiting and I felt like their eyes were all on me, judging me. I felt so incompetent and stupid. Another employee who has been there almost 13 years told me its perfectly alright to make mistakes. I lost my cool and snapped at him, saying there was no excuse for it because I'd been to Pharm Tech school and was nationally qualified! I hated myself so much in that moment, feeling so stupid and inadequate. There are moments I don't think myself qualified for the job and quitting. I want to talk to someone at work but it could backfire and compromise my standing in the company. I just want to do the best I can but I think my best isn't good enough. What if they all think I'm a complete idiot, what if in three months I get pulled in and told "You're not really fitting in here and we're afraid we have to let you go?" Everyday when I come to work I fear I'll walk in and get told to leave. I've been a cutter for nearly 9 years and I've done so well not giving in to the temptation but these past couple days have put me on edge and I feel like an addict in withdrawal. I want to bleed and breathe, I NEED to feel that sense of contentment again.