Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kiba, Apr 19, 2013.

  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Just so internally stressed.. words can't even explain what has been going on. I feel this shaking inside me. I've taken up cigs.. I want them all the time. I don't trust my doctors or therapist. I've tried testing the waters with them. I don't feel they can understand. let alone me understand. It's all a mess.. I called this crisis line the other day.. It helped me when I was so stressed and remembering shit.. But I want to call this line again, but know it cannot be a replacement for my therapist.. Despite feeling as though they do not help and this line did...

    My stress is so high all the time. Hiei had an appointment today for a couple hours and part of me wanted to go ballistic.. I can't handle it.. I really can't.. I'm going crazy.. Trying all my coping skills to calm me down but my chest is pounding constantly.. I feel like this TV comes in front of my eyes and blinds me to this reality.. My thoughts become that TV.. Seeing my thoughts in images.. Being there but not there.. And remembering things but mixing up memories and seeing things that happened but didn't happen the way I saw it but way it could have happened.. I just don't understand..

    I got the appointment with my doc.. but the receptionist hated me.. I went in.. but I couldn't even talk right.. Hiei wasn't with me.. and I feel like shit.. I need another smoke.. I rly can't take this very well.. I'm sorry I have been so closed up.. I don't feel anyone can understand. I don't think anyone cares anyway.. I just feel it best to hide it all within me right now.. I can't make sense of this mess..
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Crisis lines can be very helpful depending on who takes the call. Have you had doctors / therapists before so you have some comparison? Hope you feel calmer once you get back from your appointment.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun if crisis line helps you then you call them ok Hope youcan get your doc to listen and get on something different to help you hugs
  4. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I've had tons of therapists and a couple doctors.. But I've only had 1 therapist who even gave a shit.. I usually end up having therapists and then seeing what topics they actually understand and usually I feel they aren't adequate and I end up playing as though I am completely fine because I don't feel comfortable telling anyone about anything if they are going to just shrug me off.. Or just be there to listen.. I test the waters with the topic but don't get in depth but find nothing that actually hurts me deep inside ever ends up coming out because maybe I just don't trust therapists and doctors.. Or actually anyone.. Yeah I talk about shit that bothers me.. But there are levels of hurt and I only scratch surface.. I find other things that bother me to distract from my real pains.. because of what has happened to me before..

    Also, while I know that's their job.. Just listening.. It kinda has me feeling like nothing is rly being helped or I feel like they aren't actually understanding a thing I am saying. Its the nod and say ok.. Let alone me understanding myself.. And I am having all these things come into my head play out as a scene in images across my eyes but its so complex.. and there's so much I don't even understand.. Maybe its just because I can't even talk about some things.. Maybe it's on my end idk.. I just feel like I have no connections to my therapists or trust anyone with certain things.. I mean I don't even trust my best friend with certain details and she knows a lot of the crap and shit and I'm very open to her.. I know everyone has this to some degree.. But there is just so much eating me up and tearing me apart.. And sometimes I don't even know what it is..

    On a side note, I only set up an appointment. I didn't get one today..
  5. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    Crisis lines are best way to get assistance and someone to talk about how you are feeling, please reach out to them
  6. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I called them again but got a different person. I feel like I'm on the verge of going ballistic. This other person I didn't feel as connected to, and I couldn't even talk about anything that was really bothering me.. I feel like this is tearing me apart. I'm avoiding the tears every day.. I only know of a couple of anaversarys that happened this time of year, but I think there's more that's really messing with me but idk what it is.. I can't even use words.. I am always so lost and feeling this pounding in my chest. I woke up with a headache and been getting them a lot.. Idk what to do.. this pressure feels like it just keeps building and idk the cause or how to aliviate it.. I keep feeling like I'm about to have a stroke or die.. Like these headaches are building up to explode in my head.. I don't see Doc and therapist until next week.. But even then I'm not even sure I'll be able to even tell them anything.. I just don't feel I can trust anyone.. and its so hard to even bring anything up..