Just so internally stressed.. words can't even explain what has been going on. I feel this shaking inside me. I've taken up cigs.. I want them all the time. I don't trust my doctors or therapist. I've tried testing the waters with them. I don't feel they can understand. let alone me understand. It's all a mess.. I called this crisis line the other day.. It helped me when I was so stressed and remembering shit.. But I want to call this line again, but know it cannot be a replacement for my therapist.. Despite feeling as though they do not help and this line did... My stress is so high all the time. Hiei had an appointment today for a couple hours and part of me wanted to go ballistic.. I can't handle it.. I really can't.. I'm going crazy.. Trying all my coping skills to calm me down but my chest is pounding constantly.. I feel like this TV comes in front of my eyes and blinds me to this reality.. My thoughts become that TV.. Seeing my thoughts in images.. Being there but not there.. And remembering things but mixing up memories and seeing things that happened but didn't happen the way I saw it but way it could have happened.. I just don't understand.. I got the appointment with my doc.. but the receptionist hated me.. I went in.. but I couldn't even talk right.. Hiei wasn't with me.. and I feel like shit.. I need another smoke.. I rly can't take this very well.. I'm sorry I have been so closed up.. I don't feel anyone can understand. I don't think anyone cares anyway.. I just feel it best to hide it all within me right now.. I can't make sense of this mess..