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striving and falling

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by poisonedresistance, Apr 15, 2015.

  1. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Brave face,,, keep pushing forward.... im so tired.

    One half of me wants it, wants to grab it and fight for it,, then theres this other half, this half that me that knows I dont deserve it, that knows that I shouldnt be here. A part of me that wishes I had the balls to just,,,,,

    Why strive for a dream that isnt on the cards,, why push forward for a future your never going to have, dont deserve,,,,

    Fake fucking dreaming and dragging out the inevitable.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You deserve a future you dream of you do and who is to say it is not in the cards hun you grab hold and you keep fighting ok you do deserve happiness
  3. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    I wish that was true,,, one part of me would rather believe in the comfort, the illusion that everything is how it should be and everyone deserves a second chance,,, but the other part,,,, the other part knows the truth.

    see,, ill feel different for a while,, then the truth will come crashing in on me,,,, its getting harder and harder to block out, harder to wall off,,,, I dont deserve happiness,,, you are wrong about that.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Everyone deserves happiness except if they murder someone or something similar. Some people do not accept second chances in others but some do and I'm all for chances, people change they can and they do, why are you so depressed do you think? What was it you wanted to do?
  5. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Im trying to push forward with a business,, its been 10 yrs since my massive cock up but i dont think ill ever truly forgive myself. If I cant, how can I expect anyone else to :(
  6. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Its like an endless cycle of energy and drain.

    Finding the energy to push forward, then as im pushing wondering why im bothering cuz I'll never get anywhere.

    Self hate, self doubt,,,, the same things.

    I wish I wasnt such a coward. reading peoples threads on here and I feel the insignificance of self, how my problems just dont compare, yet they swollow me whole at some point every day.

    Time is an illusion, bought to us by the big rock we live on. Time is space is gravity,, we are just along for the ride.

    Stop the world I want to get off.
  7. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    my post just disappeared,,, well fuck writing it all again.

    my world is about to crumble into ashes,,, what the fuck do you do. Most would say rise like a phoenix, but the alternative is crumble with it.

    Ive got 3 months to figure this out,,,, no more anything after that.

    cant face another birthday trapped in quicksand watching the world go by. I cant do it.

    even wild animals have predators that would put them out of their misery.
  8. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Lifes been a fucker today, but strangley enough it feels so much better now i have decided. Its like no more stress, why bother, either it does work or it doesnt,,, and by then ill know. best move ive made in years
  9. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Im not doing this, Fuck it.
  10. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    :( I miss my bike, the only time I ever felt true freedom! That wow factor, the feeling of being alive and knowing it was by a shoe string literally. Strive and fall,,, apparently the path to success is paved by a thousand failures, if this is true, then im well on my way :D
  11. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    What does loving someone mean? It means remembering their wholeness when they appear to be broken. It means remembering their beauty when they appear to be ugly. It means remembering their innocence when they appear to be guilty. To love someone is to appreciate someone for whom they really are, no matter who it is that they currently appear to be.
  12. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    OMFG - shit fucking day - shit fucking everything. One of those why am I trying days, Its not like I ever get anywhere, static with an idea of motion. cant seem to get beyond this point. No worth in it, cant make it become anything. Missed the season now, so i wont even be able to untill next year,, its like WHY THE FUCK DO I BOTHER. I havent got till next year,,, I doubt ill fucking it make it to the end of the month with my sanity intact. just keep thinking 3 more months, then who will give a shit.
  13. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Is there no end to the cycle?

    Does it get better?

    there is more than one way to destroy who you are, to inflict self harm and to toss yourself on the rubbish heap.

    It seems like everything spirals back to the same place.

    Been trying hard recently to remember my past, my childhood, things ive chosen to ignore.

    The pain, lonesomeness, mental torture that is an emotional being being bought up by people who have no idea or understanding of the concept. I learnt to reject affection from an early age as it was always tainted, a reward for being 'good' instead of for being I am.
    The abuse im still dealing with, the anger and the pain of an awakening that took place far too young.
    The horrific way that has twisted in my mind to a ritual of self abuse that I still see, use and connect with.

    how 'good' and 'love' were made to associate with sex and pain from such a tender age.

    The feelings of worthlessness that stem from never being able to experience that 'first' time as every spiritual, sensual being should.

    being 'broken' before I could even conceptualize the meanings and feelings associated with even the simple aspects of life.

    This has led to my subconscious self continuously arranging scenarios where I am hurt and abandoned, so I can look at these and realign myself with,,, myself.

    I WAS INNOCENT,,, FREE FROM YOUR WORLD OF PAIN. One day I will ask you why,, if you dont die first.

    I struggle now in every aspect of being, just holding onto a path I once was very attune to is a day to day struggle. It has been months of just remembering it existed.

    I jumped,, from nothing,, to everything to nothing and now im finding my everything again, slowly but surely.

    I am scared of love, love hurts, that has been my experience of it. everything good is balanced with a measure of pain. without the balance we cannot appreciate the good, but id got to a point where I didn't want either in my life and I shut the world out. slammed the door and locked it so tight that just trying to have a crack i can peer through feels like an impossible feat.


    some-days I wish the world inside was silent, devoid of wanting, devoid of needing.

    The only thing that gets me through is knowing that its my choice and this existence doesn't have to continue if that's what I choose.
  14. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    ARGHGHGHGHghghghghghghghghghghg,,,,,, just when it feels life cant get any fucking worse, you fall back 10,000 fucking feet what the fuck is the bastard point.

    this is why nothing ever really happens... why even if you push as hard as you can things just stagnate around you and you cant get the fuck out.

    This isnt a wall, its sinking sand,, the more you struggle the quicker it pulls you in.

    Sodding fuck face of a bastard,,, Excuse me while I go FUCK MYSELF
  15. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    gawd, what was that like a whole freakin hour it took me to chill out from that stupid conversation. NEVER AGAIN ,, I mean seriously,, I took a night to do nothing but research only to have it dominated by some stupid fucking twat that throws nothing but curve balls,,,,,

    Anyway, some alpha waves and a cup of tea later and im back into the swing of things, shame it drank like 3 hours of my research time. Although now Im moving forward again. Folk hey, sometimes people can really knock your duck off :(

    NOTE TO FUTURE SELF - NO CONVOS ON RESEARCH NIGHT.. Editing night maybe,, but research night,, hell no!!! Henri Cartier-Bresson deserves better ;)
  16. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    When every knife is pointed at you,, and each blade shines,
    When every word spoken to you, just hurts you and blinds
    with each passing moment of every rolling day,
    Im fighting so hard, just to find a way.

    long ago I realized, my wishes had been blocked
    all my hopes and dreams, behind closed doors and locked.
    every days a fight now, I fall and then I strive,
    but those knives are still upon me, they dont want me to stay alive.

    with every broken promise, a hope now fades away
    with every dried up tear, another darkened day.
    Im crouching in the dark now and here I know that I must stay,
    even with a little light, the walls are in my wall.

    Im tired of being me now, of carving out a path
    when all I see infront of me is another aftermath.
    the energy is fading, and soon the light will go
    ill remember in my heart though, the me I used to know.

    The one who fought so long, the one fell so hard
    the one who kept the dreams alive when everything was barred.
    a memory in my head soon, one that I must throw,
    so i can get the courage, to say goodbye and go.
  17. Wereghost

    Wereghost Member

    You sound like me and my existential crisis.
  18. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Hi wereghost, :) hello, sorry im unfamiliar with a lot of people here, i tend to phase in and out. Figure i only screw stuff up anyway. Im not sure what it is, an existential crisis or just a familiar, comfort zone of self absorbed, self hate and apathy. A wall that perhaps, is too big to get by maybe ,, i just know the only way i carry on is to see an end. So i set my own. Keeps me plodding!
  19. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    all out of energy today,, one thing goes right, the rest just falls,,, starting from nowhere and feel like thats where its going. One day im ready and fighting forward, then next i know im flogging a dead horse.
    it would be so much easier to just give up,, im too far from where I need to be,,,
    Im starting from a black hole,, with nothing,, making the wrong decisions for the right reasons but still feeling like it not enough, this knife edge is just getting shorter
  20. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    I knew I should have gone back to bed,,,, fuck people,, just fuck em all together. maybe they are right,, maybe people like me should have been put out their fucking misery a long while ago.
    ill NEVER be close to another living soul,, and id rather that, than have anyone else on this earth know me.
    Id rather live a lie than remain in this state.