Strong feelings

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Jul 29, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    I cant shake these strong feelings of lonelyness , isolation , and unloved..

    I cant shake the thoughts of just doing it and getting it over with..

    i have tried so much that there is no strength in me..

    I know these are just words to everyone else and perhaps some even say that i am seeking attention , but i am not... i just want this pain to stop.. just for it to go away but deep down in my heart i know it will never go away...

    My mind and spirit is troubled so much because i want to do the right thing and i have reached out so many times and yet i get pushed back down because appearently my steps to reach out are overlooked...

    I need my mind put at ease on things because i am dying of a cancer that i cant stop but yet i cant seem to reach the two people who could easily ease my mind on some things...

    i tried sending a letter to them , yet it came back to me refused and put back in my mailbox.. a complete waste of time and money for a stamp.. i have tried reaching out to them online both here and at other places.. i have no where else to reach to or for...

    i have a broken heart along with a broken spirit... i dont want to end like this but i have no choice in the matter... I cant do anymore.. i cant fight anymore... i cant even help people here when i want to so badly help others and help them not to attempt their life cause when they make that attempt it can cause them more pain then what they really want...

    Look what happened to me.. i grew up unloved , my mom died at age 48 because of the cancer that now will take me, i then had to quit school to take care of the house , my dad and my younger brother.. my older brother was too stuborn and too much a drunk to do it so i had to be the one to do it.. i wanted to be loved so i went with the wrong type of boy who eventually lead me into all kinds of things, then i met someone who kind of reminded me of my mom and a dream dad and that was so wonderful yet i could not understand it especially when they said they loved me.. yet i guess somehow i pushed and pushed and they got mad , and then until now i did not know my niece had did some things, ( not all things ) but some things and it hurt them now and they hate me and now when i need them the most they are mad and hate me because they do not understand it was my niece that hurt them and somehow i cant get to them to let them know the truth and find out things on my part from them...

    This is killing me inside.. i cant sleep unless i take things to make me sleep.. i cant eat , i cant think straight. i hurt emotionally , i hurt physically because of this stupid cancer... i know im going to die soon but yet it can be so much more sooner if i do it myself...

    part of the emotional pain is that i did it myself... i took the OD and did not go through with it , now i came back and was rescued to find out i had tachycardia and , other things , now because of the damage the OD did to my liver before i got to the hospital has probably done this to my liver and contributed to the cancer.. because of my past no one could ever believe it but its true and killing me inside...

    My life is useless now.. i cant even ease my mind with the daltons and im sorry.. i am so sorry.. i know they read this and i want them to know just how sorry i am, and these are not just words , these come from my heart.. the heart of someone who is emotionly drained and physically dying from something i cant stop... i have tried to reach out to you more then once because my spirit is weak.. very weak and i cant do this anymore..

    I know i cant go to heaven without coming to you first and im sorry , but i cant do this anymore.. i cant wait or hold on when it hurts too much.. if i felt to you like i was obsessed with you, then why did you not just tell me to back away? i would have done that.. am i really that bad a person? on the inside? my heart cant take this.. i tried.. i tried reaching out to you and elaine many times , yet i finally can come to the terms that i am not worth it.... You both consider me not worth it.. my soul is not worth it to you or to God and i can see that now...

    my mind and spirit can not be put at ease and i guess its best for all concerned but i want you to know i am sorry and that i do love you both... i cant take this anymore.. i have tried. i honestly have tried.. im sorry and i know that those words will probably go through one ear and out the other but my mind and my spirit is troubled because i cant come to God without you, without your forgiveness or your help, so i give up

    i am too weak to go on... just to weak...
     
  2. I did not register at this forum looking for attention or help for myself. Like you I wanted to help others, or atleast to try because that's the type of person I am & that is how I want to stay. Yet however I try here I feel misunderstood & like I can't help people here, however strongly I wish that I could. Which is rediculous because I registered thinking I could atleast communicate with people who understand suicidal thinking/feelings. No one I know in my life does so I felt completely alone before I registered. You help me just by understanding & I now know that I'm not all alone. :)
     
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