i have no idea how to type what i feel. i feel so much, so much that im just numb. im only 18 years old yet i have felt enough torment and suffering for several lifetimes. my grandfather says that its amazing how resilient my mind is for having gone through the crap that i have seen. im feeling so much, i dont know how to process and handle it all anymore. i have school and court to deal with. i had a real shitty childhood (mentally abused by stepmother says the grandfather). in my 9th grade year i had a severe concussion due to a snowboarding accident. i still have memory problems resulting from it. im not dumb i just have alot of trouble learning new things nowadays. at first nobody believed me when they found out what happened. alot of people i knew wouldnt talk to me anymore because i had somehow changed. i dont know. several months ago i decided to pull a standard senior prank by messin with the school busses. i didnt "trash" the busses or had the intention of putting anyone in danger. i just cut the stop sign panel wires so it would be illegal for them to drive (bus drivers do a mandatory check to make sure its legal to run). the police caught me and arrested me. i spent a total of 3 days in juvy. this is the only incident ive had with the police. im not a criminal but now i do feel like one. i wasnt trying to hurt anyone. the police wanted to pin a felony vandalism charge for each of the 47 busses. thats a 103 year sentence right there. i also owe a $15k restitution fee and one year to do it or i go back to jail. im not going to jail. ive never been there i never want to. i was only 17 and the damn police wanted to put me away for life. i know what i did was wrong but i still cant shake the feeling of guilt. i go to a tech college for the motorcycle/marine program. i have so many assignments its not even funny. i literally dont have the mental capacity to do it all. it involves labs and research assignments. i cant do it all. i have so much crap on my mind i cant even type it all right now. i dont know what to do... i have so many scars from my past. i have so many issues with my self. i hate being me. i feel like a prisoner trapped in my own mind. i need to escape. im beyond the normal breaking point. like i said im just numb to it all. been in solid depression for 10 years. ive held on for so long. that grip is weakening. im not a religous person but i do fear for what might be there after one dies. do i just float away? is there a god? reincarnation? what, i dont know... the last failsafe is going away. im scared shitless of sharp objects like needles and razors. i wish it was that easy.