strong for so long... slipping away

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sairn, May 7, 2008.

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  1. Sairn

    Sairn New Member

    i have no idea how to type what i feel. i feel so much, so much that im just numb. im only 18 years old yet i have felt enough torment and suffering for several lifetimes. my grandfather says that its amazing how resilient my mind is for having gone through the crap that i have seen. im feeling so much, i dont know how to process and handle it all anymore. i have school and court to deal with. i had a real shitty childhood (mentally abused by stepmother says the grandfather). in my 9th grade year i had a severe concussion due to a snowboarding accident. i still have memory problems resulting from it. im not dumb i just have alot of trouble learning new things nowadays. at first nobody believed me when they found out what happened. alot of people i knew wouldnt talk to me anymore because i had somehow changed. i dont know. several months ago i decided to pull a standard senior prank by messin with the school busses. i didnt "trash" the busses or had the intention of putting anyone in danger. i just cut the stop sign panel wires so it would be illegal for them to drive (bus drivers do a mandatory check to make sure its legal to run). the police caught me and arrested me. i spent a total of 3 days in juvy. this is the only incident ive had with the police. im not a criminal but now i do feel like one. i wasnt trying to hurt anyone. the police wanted to pin a felony vandalism charge for each of the 47 busses. thats a 103 year sentence right there. i also owe a $15k restitution fee and one year to do it or i go back to jail. im not going to jail. ive never been there i never want to. i was only 17 and the damn police wanted to put me away for life. i know what i did was wrong but i still cant shake the feeling of guilt. i go to a tech college for the motorcycle/marine program. i have so many assignments its not even funny. i literally dont have the mental capacity to do it all. it involves labs and research assignments. i cant do it all. i have so much crap on my mind i cant even type it all right now. i dont know what to do... i have so many scars from my past. i have so many issues with my self. i hate being me. i feel like a prisoner trapped in my own mind. i need to escape. im beyond the normal breaking point. like i said im just numb to it all. been in solid depression for 10 years. ive held on for so long. that grip is weakening. im not a religous person but i do fear for what might be there after one dies. do i just float away? is there a god? reincarnation? what, i dont know... the last failsafe is going away. im scared shitless of sharp objects like needles and razors. i wish it was that easy.
  2. nolove89

    nolove89 Active Member

    Do you have any friends or does anyone Love you other than your family because if so. You're way better off than most.
  3. Sairn

    Sairn New Member

    i used to have close friends. they have all moved on. the close friend that i have now has become a pothead. all he cares about is the next bowl. iono.

    i guess i have friends at my college. they are just hang out friends during breaks and lunch. i dont see them outside of school. my 2 other close friends both died in a car crash last year out on i90. fucking drunks...
  4. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    Everyone does something stupid when they are young. I've been there. I had 7 traffic tickets within a span of 4 months when I was 18. 2 of which were criminal infractions. Was it a road bump in my life? Yes. But it didn’t stop me from trying to get what I want out of life. Nobody would believe that someone with that many tickets could be a cop. But that’s what I do for a living now.

    And it’s because people understand that kids do stupid stuff that you have a real shot at still making something of yourself. Look man every action in life has a consequence. And you’re seeing the consequences of your prank. But it’s not the end of the world. It won’t follow you for the rest of your life. It will slow you down for the next few years but after that it will be just a good story you can tell your grandchildren.

    Take it from me, your not going to be charged with anything heavy. You’re a first time offender, and I’m assuming you have no previous criminal record. Most likely you will get probation and have to pay off a fine. Worst case scenario you may do 364 at the county jail (but that’s highly unlikely). Get through this little hurdle in your life and get back on the horse. I’m positive you will do fine.
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i've also had trouble with the law, and have a criminal record to show for it. do you have a lawyer? my lawyer got me an extension to pay the court ordered fine, as i was totally broke at the time. we worked out a payment plan.

    i thought i was smarter than everyone else, i thought it was fun, and i thought i wouldn't get caught. what can i say, i was wrong on all counts. it was a humbling experience.

    although going to court seems to be an overwhelming challenge for you right now, it won't always be. like almosteasy says, you *can* put it behind you. keep posting. let us help you through this.
  6. if its too much to handle then quit and do something easier like gardening or something.
  7. Sairn

    Sairn New Member

    i owe the dist $15k. i havent a single cent. i have one year to do it... my family is in the same boat as i am... because of my childhood scars and my grwing up in an abusive household i dont have the mind skills to figure this out... ive tried everything in my power to do right by myself after leaving that shithole. i ended up doin stupid shit, been arrested for the first time after i promised myself and my family that i would never be in trouble with the law... its all so hard to explain whats going through my head. ive never been able to tell anyone exactly what i feel when i wake up to when i go to sleep. the praise that i do receive i have no idea how to handle or process it... im not used to it. my mother was on a bunch of shit when she was pregnant with me... so that has some affect on my head im sure.
  8. Sairn

    Sairn New Member

    yes i do have a lawyer and hes doing a great job keeping my ass outa the hoosgow. no this is the first time ive ever been in trouble with the law. im not a violent person, i hate fighting and stuff (love vid games tho, great vent tool).
  9. nedflanders

    nedflanders Well-Known Member

    If I were in your place, I'd be tempted to plead to all 47 counts with the stipulation that the sentences be run consecutively. Throw the damn prosecutor's game back in his face, and commit "social suicide" by going to jail for a long time.
  10. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member

    I don't know what I can say to help.

    All I can do is hope everything gets better for you.
  11. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    you don't have to figure this out on your own, it can be so hard to dig yourself out when you are depressed. for me, it was like quicksand. the more i thought, the deeper i sank. i went for some professional help and it's really been helping. even my relapses are not as scary as the initial fight with depression.

    is there anyone, as in a counsellor or social worker you can talk to? would you be willing to look for help?
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