hi everyone i've been feeling this strong urge to just kill myself and end the stress that i've been feeling. i get this way especially around essays/exam periods and then it passes but recently i feel suicidal all the time and then i'm just on the brink when it comes to a deadline (aka right now). i feel like i;ve chosen the wrong degree and i;m 2 years into it and i can't change or give it up because my sister has schizophrenia and ended up dropping out of school and whenever i suggest just getting a job and moving out instead my parents keep saying things like 'OKAY ANOTHER FAILURE' but they're not exactly winners either and idk why i can't just be happy and we can't stop being obsessed with image when it's at the expense of our happiness or atleast my happiness ontop of that i used to think my life in other aspects would just automatically get better but i;m still struggling with my weight, living in a fantasy world where i have cosmetic surgery and i'm finally pretty and thin and people are actually attracted to me and i actually have friends but the older i get the morei realise it's just never going to happen for me. it was easier to sit in my room and get through life lterally living in an alternate universe (i ctually have "best friends" who i turn to when i'm stressed out about the real world and i just live out something depressing and have comfort me in my head). i'm not schizophrenic or anything, i don't have hallucinations or hear things and i know this world isn't real but it's a coping mechanism, living in this world inside my head but it's less and less effective these days and that's really affecting me. i literally have no escape anfd i have to actually live my life but it's too stressful and i know it's just uni and everyone gets their degree but it's killing me i cannot do it i'm not smart enough and it gives me even worse anxiety sorry that this is really rambling and i haven't used the proper grammar and there's typos, hopefully it makes sense.