Strong urges and thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wheresmysheep, Apr 26, 2009.

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  1. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    before you read, you must discount this as a plea. i just need to voice whats in my head.

    so i' seeing my therapist on tuesday, i havent seen her in 2 weeks. i'm going to go on my own (stephen has been with me every appointment up to this) with everything going on i think there is a strong chance of me braking down inside that room with her.
    I'm planning things in my head, attempts that i could do on tuesday after that meeting.
    and all i wanted to say was:
    I imagined letting go just now, if i was doing what i am half planning, and it was so.. freeing. the bliss of letting go. it seems to easy.

    probably is, but i just want to know if others feel like this at thoughts?

    i dont know how close to the edge i am. i just cant go on much more.
  2. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Hey Sheep.

    My therapists all suck and they never really get through to me, but I do suffer through thoughts of how easy it would be to just drift away. I just try to remember that one person that would be really sad if I went. And then I take strength from all the previous times I escaped listening to that voice.

    Hope this helps somewhat :dry:.

    All I know is that suicide is never comfortable or something you can drift away with. Maybe though, you can make appointments with friends and family throughout the day afterward. Don't tell them why, just be sure to not be by yourself.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Sheep,
    I agree with James.. You need to surround yourself with friends or family after your meet..Try and think of something positive and hang onto it..If you have no one to surround yourself with then come on the forum.. You have plenty of friends here who will listen to you..No one wants to see you harm yourself..Take care..

    P.S. If you need to talk to someone then e-mail me.. It's in my profile and I check it every hour or two..
  4. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    does breaking down in the meeting scare you? it can be frightening. i've done it myself and she wanted to meet up with me more often. you never know how she might react to seeing your distress, and hearing (if you want to tell her) your thoughts of killing yourself afterwards. that takes a lot of courage and trust and shows that perhaps you want to be soothed and listened to, and she might offer that to you.

    i have thoughts like that all the time. i have them right now to be honest. death is bliss for me. right now i'm in hell.
  5. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    see i dont want to say to her what i am thinking of doing, cause then i feel like its just an empty threat and i'm just looking for attention.
    i feel like if i say nothing of it it will be easier to do.
    i just really dont know, i'm a mess
  6. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    what's wrong with attention? everyone needs attention. and you're not threatening anyone you're just describing the distress you're experiencing and how long you feel you can go on, which sounds like a very short while from your post.

    a good therapist will respond to what you're saying very very seriously and not see it as empty at all but will really talk to you. my therapist is like that , she's really good with me presenting her with suicidal stuff and the thing is i never trusted her with all that in the past because i'd given up reaching out. but she's good at knowing exactly why i felt that way and exploring why i felt that way and not punishing me for feeling that way.

    your therapist might respond similarly and take you and your life very seriously?
  7. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    i dont know, i see it as an empty threat if i say what i'm thinking.. maybe i need to adress that.. and if i do say it, i have no anser as to why i want to do it. nothings changed i just am at whitts end
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    being at wits end is a reason in itself

    i can see how it can seem an empty threat if you seriously mean to go out and kill yourself afterwards, but equally you could see it as an opportunity to open up the intolerable feelings that you're going through and find paths that you wouldn't think of, through the guidance of your therapist. she/he might make you feel like you understand why you feel the way you do, make you feel more in control of things, so the option of suicide after mightn't seem so appealing or important anymore? these are just a few thoughts though.
  9. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    opening up scares me. i dont like doing it, i dont like to be laid bare. i'd honestly rather do nothing
  10. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    ok. it is really frightening. but if you do, a therapist session is supposed to be a safe place and she is trained to keep yourself safe and everything should go at your own pace, as slowly as that can be. but i completely hear how frightening the mere thought of opening up to her is. :hug:
  11. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    if i do say something to her when i am in there. what will happen? i wont be allowed just walk out. also i have a dctors appointment in the morning, and the doc will be asking the same sorts of questions (are you planning anything, how are you feeling) i really dont know how to respond to these without braking down
  12. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    she will listen to your distress, leave you space to cry if you want, and ask you questions regarding your distress, different questions than the doctor. your therapist might encourage you to explore reasons, with her, about how you're feeling. you can refuse to talk about anything that you don't feel comfortable with. and you can ask to leave, whenever you feel it's too much for you.

    with the doctor too, you can break down but that's no reason for them to hold you in their office. i've been in assessments countless time saying i have a plan but they never put me into hospital on that alone.
  13. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    another thing is i dont know if i want the help. maybe i want to go. i feel so serene thinking about it.and the reasons i want to do it for i dont want to talk about or deal with. i'm fed u-p being strong and tacvkling things. i havent the strength anymore.
  14. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    a good therapist will listen to all the things you're saying. and they are so so understandable.

    you don't need to be strong and tackling things in therapy, you can talk about suicide, you can talk about death and the hopes of peace you find in those thoughts too. a therapists place should be a safe place where you feel you can talk about anything.

    then again, it really depends on the therapist. i had an old counsellor who'd explore suicide with me all the time.

    :hug: i do hear your ambivalence and struggle whether you want to stay here or go. it is a very painful, exhausting place to be in.
  15. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    the (possibly) bad thing is, if i had acess to a gun, i know i'd be long gone
  16. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    there's a possibility you might look back and think 'i'm glad that if i had a gun, i didn't kill myself with that at that time'.

    i've gone through periods like this for years, but i've had some really beautiful periods in my life too and i look back and think 'i'm so glad i didn't jump into the river that year' 'i'm so glad i'm alive,' 'i can't believe i've got this far'. it might seem hopeless and impossible and god, i know the feeling as i'm feeling it myself but you're talking to me here, and you're reaching out to your therapist which shows maybe there's a part of you that doesn't want to die and maybe wants to talk and to be heard?
  17. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    i dont know, i really dont. i feel a complete mess
  18. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    you do have a couple of days to think things through and it's perfectly okay to see your therapist in a mess, not knowing what to do and not knowing how you're feeling. it's ok :hug:
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