Strongly considering it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sylar, May 30, 2011.

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  1. Sylar

    Sylar Well-Known Member

    I thought it would get better by socializing and making good friends.
    but it only hurt a lot more than I could have ever thought and my 2007 self was extremely right about everything. I should have denied outside opinion. users' opinion.

    I was sociophobic for an extremely good reason. I went through horrible violent, verbal and sexual abuse as a child. nobody has ever shown any mercy on me. and that made me less social with extreme trust issues and a violent attitude with a bad temper.

    I was an excellent student as a child and of course that made me an easy target, all I knew was gaining knowledge and enjoying the high scores, by high school that changed tho, being a nerd wasn't working out socially for me because I couldn't take the daily abuse from classmates and the violence inflicted upon me. so my scores and level of care declined significantly, of course the new teachers hated me for it but at least it offered me some kind of peace.

    I carried on with my isolated life on the internet up until early 2009, where I picked up smoking from some "friends" I used to hang out with. my relationship with so called friends carried on until recently, I knew they were using me for my money and car but by then I couldn't be alone anymore so I had to buy friends. it's the only way I had ever known how to have friends.

    My family decided to sell the car and buy something new this year, so when looking for something else my "best friend" kept suggesting this specific used car to me and I went along with it even tho my parents didn't agree on buying used cars, I convinced them eventually and so we did, we tested it and it was fine but eventually a lot of problems showed up. every single thing in it was touched by an angry mechanic's greasy hands on the inside, it was only pretty on the outside. till one morning where it wouldn't even start. I didn't know what to tell my parents so I waited till they went to work and called the tow truck to take it to a mechanic who couldn't figure out what its problem exactly is since it's a modern kinda car with all sorts of electronic gimmicks. I had already spent money fixing it few days alone after buying it. now it's been in the garage for days not moving and my mother is having a hard time since it did cost a lot of money to her.

    which brings me to another subject: my mom. altho I infinitely love my mother I haven't exactly been nice to her, ever. and she's always loved me with all she had. now that my best friend had used me to buy that specific piece of junk I realized he truly was just jealous of me and had always contemplated ways to bring me to the ground. I am extremely hurt. even tho I always knew I had no real friends and they were all using me I tried to ignore it and I've always been too trusting and overly kind, and this is how I get repaid.
    I don't think I can live with the horrible abuse I've put my mother through, I love her too much and I can't live with this. I was right. I should've killed myself in 2007, at least it wouldn't hurt her that much by now. staying alive has only managed to hurt my family extremely badly financially and morally.
    I know my mother couldn't cope with losing me now, especially since my grandfather just died 2 weeks ago. but I'll wait. my suffering is unbearable it's only making me suicidally violent. I think if I carry on I'm gonna xxxxxxxx, and the guy who sold me that piece of shit then commit suicide in prison. I just don't wanna hurt my mom and put her through more of this shit, it would be extremely selfish, just like convincing her to buy that car against her will and treating her bad. I think this is karma. I want to die but I can't.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 30, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry things are so awful...no real words of wisdom, other than to say I read your thread and there are many ppl here who can relate...big hugs, J
     
  3. viapoetry

    viapoetry Member

    I really respect how much you care about your mother. Have you ever talked to her about any of this? Does she know how much you value your relationship with her?

    The car anxiety will pass, I hope
     
  4. Sylar

    Sylar Well-Known Member

    My bad treatment of mother was due to my temper issues. I have a hard time expressing my true emotions and affections to others so I just act like a complete dick. I can't open up but it seems like I've gone through enough shit to finally face my mom and apologize. I will apologize for everything, even tho she might forgive me, I doubt I'll forgive myself.
     
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