This certainly isn't an easy issue to talk about, and is better to do so in an appropriate place. But this is a forum dedicated to the subject, so it's no mystery I guess. Many people have posted their plights here and I suppose it'd be OK to share mine. Sorry if this ends up being long. I'm a male, almost 23, still a sort-of college student, just to give a bit of background. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for a long time, to make an 'offical count' it would be about 5 years now. The severity of the feelings rises and falls from time to time but regardless, even when it's not at the forefront, its presence remains dimly in the back of the mind. In the beginning days of those suicidal feelings, it culimated in a first attempt in early '03 when I was 18. I did a few different things--made a noose (but couldn't bring myself to kick out the stool under my feet), carbon monoxide (that didn't work) and then finally I overdosed on an aspirin bottle (I had no other methods on hand at the time, no guns or anything in the house hold). But of course it didn't kill me, it just got me extremely sick and landed me a visit in the hospital. I had actually droven myself to the hospital the day after I OD'ed--I was sick all night and still didn't feel good the next morning and decided I needed to be checked. No one from my family knew what I did, until I called them from the hospital since they would not release me unless someone came to get me (they didn't hold me for 72 hours as is the law, for some reason). It was a diffcult experience, both the suicide attempt and the family reaction. But I didn't receive any kind of treatment afterward; I had a couple of "talks" with the parents but after that the issue was kind of buried. Since then, as I mentioned, I have been intermittently suicidal but not serious enough to do anything, fortunately I was busy with school and work and in concentrating on those tasks I didn't have much time to let the thoughts overcome once again. But now I'm beginning to hit another dead end and the feelings are re-emerging. Sometimes when you hear of people who survived a suicide attempt, they talk about all the life and things they would've missed out on if they had succeeded. Here am I over four years later, and I can't say that I could say the same thing. I don't feel like there's much I would've missed out on. It feels like it has just been a postponement of the inevitable. The past four years have been all about college and school, and both have been struggles seeming to be a dead-end path. Sure there are minor pleasures here and there like but overall, when I look back I can't say that I regret the first attempt. Sure, it was painful, as was seeing the reaction of my family, but do I wish I had succeeded? I kind of do. So why have I been suicidal, why have I had depressive episodes? What it basically boils down to is that ultimately, I don't have what it takes for life, and I don't see anything to live for. I don't have what it takes to live a successful, normal, meaningful life like everyone else and have a place in society. I just don't feel I do. For one, I don't have much social skills, and thus I lead a starkly lonely existence. Growing up, I haven't had many friends--an occasional amicable acquaintance at school who I would hang out with, but that's about it. For high school, I can count on my left hand the number of people I actually hung out with outside of school. I guess that, socially, I just don't have much to bring to the table. I've never had a girlfriend and I never will, consequently I'll never have a wife or raise a family, so that isn't in my future. And I know at this point you would say things like "How do you know you'll never have a girlfriend?" Because, in running with the theme as it were, I just don't have what it takes for it. Everything you hear about how you have to have "confidence" and all the do's and don't's with dating and all that--I know that it's all correct. But, I just don't have that. I have zero confidence, at least especially when it comes to that sort of thing (talking with girls). You will say, "Well then, learn!" But I don't know how to acquire that confidence. I've read up on it, too, with advice and pointers and stuff, and I just have this gut reaction to it like, "That's just not me." If I were even to take the advice and give it a shot, I know I'd crumble like a house of cards, so my instinct is to just avoid it altogether. But there's an additional problem; even if I were to land a girlfriend, I wouldn't know what to do afterward. Because, as I said, I just don't have the social skills necessary to know what to do in that kind of situation. I know I would screw handling it up and it's silly to think about "afterward" when I know I'd fail even the first step, so what's the point. But it's a tough thing to handle in a culture saturated with "love" and "compaionship" and all that; it's hard to be a twenty-something male who has "never been kissed." To go anywhere in public and see plethoras of couples young and old and to reflect on your own status, a feeling of basic incompetence is almost unavoidable. But I've tried to come to terms with this; I accept that the whole "relationship" thing is something I'm just not made for. I will likely die a virgin, oh well. But at the same time it's kind of hard. But so what, you'll say. That's not something worth killing yourself over--and I agree. But, it's just one aspect of many. I also don't have what it takes for life, intellectually or professionally. I don't have any special skills that are marketable in the workplace, and without a college degree in this day an age there isn't much to do. I've struggled at college. My GPA is not bad (3.5) but there's been a couple of classes I have had to repeat because I just can't seem to do well in them, and they are pre-requisites for transferring (I'm at a community college, BTW--hell on earth). So here I am, and I still have to take these courses before I can move on, and it's not looking good. For a while I was an undecided major, finally I went with math since it's something I'm relatively good at. But those other classes (English/research paper courses) I just keep hitting a brick wall at. And unless I am able to pass them, then it's all down the drain for any academic success. I don't want to live as a failure. I know so far my problems seem awfully trite, and in reviewing the stuff above I know I haven't truly explained myself well. It's a bunch of different things, but those are some of the main ones. It just feels like my life is going nowhere. I just don't see anything to live for in the future. Life drags on yet I seem to stay in the same place. College has been a struggle and I've chosen the major but I seem to have lost any enthusiasm I had. I can't find interest in anything. I feel crushed by isolation and despair and I don't see a way out; all I can see is remaining in a malaise in the future. This isn't just depression, a mere chemical imbalance of the brain. No, this is the genuine despair of a life going wrong. No pill can fix that. Each day I wake up to the same horror: I discover that I am still me, that I am still where I am, and I am consumed by overwhelming despondency. I wish I was born as someone else, someone better, in another place. An outsider would look at me and say "Shut the f*ck up, you're life is fine." But I am the one living my life. I don't feel that way. At all. I float along, not able to find any direction, nothing worthwhile to pursue. Oh, there are things worthwhile, there are things worth living for, but they are too difficult to obtain, and I can't find the know how to achieve them. Sometimes I wish my parents had worn protection; they had two children already, did they really need a third? But no, I was born. I won the cosmic lottery. Of all the millions of sperm that could have implanted in the egg, I was the one. I was born into life. And I'm stuck with it. I have no talents, no skills, nothing to offer that a million other people couldn't offer. I know it's my responsibility to make something of this life but I can't seem to find the way, I feel like I repeatedly hit a brick wall. I really don't know what the future holds. Life has come to reveal itself as one long, giant, pointless struggle. What it all comes back to is as I said, I just don't have what it takes for life and I don't really have anything to live for. But, at the same time, I know suicide is immoral. I know that it would adversely affect my family, and that's a big deterrent that has stayed my hand for so long. But time after time, I can't even promise I can abide by that obligation. I don't want to hurt my family. But I also don't want to exist. None of us asked to be born; our parents reared us without our input and in the absence of any element of choice we find ourselves in the midst of life. Yet people get angry when you try to leave it on your own terms. Call it immoral, call it cowardly, call it irrational, call it whatever. But why should I be forced to lead an existence that, at the end of each day, I don't want? I don't want to be me. I'd fix things if I could. I just don't know how. That's another cliche I have qualms with, the whole "permanent solution to a temporary problem" quote. Yes, by definition every problem is temporary because LIFE is temporary, ultimately. But, I disagree on the more important point: I think it's very true that there are some problems for which there is really no solution. Maybe we can learn to live with the problem that we can't solve. But I am unable to find the will to do so. I know that whole bit too about life is suffering. No one has it easy, I understand that. Everyone has problems and the challenge of life is to deal with them; but as for me, at the end of the day I can't help but ask myself, 'What's the point?" Maybe life's a challenge, but it's one I can't succeed at. I know there are many, many people in the world who have it worse than me. I'd do anything to change that condition. But that doesn't make me feel any better; it makes me feel more petty. It doesn't make me feel any different about the problems in my life. The post has become painfully lengthy, my apologies. I could go on further but I'll just stop here. It's getting awfully late where I live and I'm growing more incoherent the longer I rant on. Anway, no, I'm not actively suicidal at the moment. I've told myself that I'll force myself to keep on trucking until the spring when I will give another stab at that class I keep failing at. But if once again I crash and burn academically...I don't know what I'd do with myself. That might be once and for all the final straw.