Struggles with suicidal thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by glacier3141, Sep 28, 2007.

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  1. glacier3141

    glacier3141 Member

    This certainly isn't an easy issue to talk about, and is better to do so in an appropriate place. But this is a forum dedicated to the subject, so it's no mystery I guess. Many people have posted their plights here and I suppose it'd be OK to share mine. Sorry if this ends up being long.

    I'm a male, almost 23, still a sort-of college student, just to give a bit of background. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for a long time, to make an 'offical count' it would be about 5 years now. The severity of the feelings rises and falls from time to time but regardless, even when it's not at the forefront, its presence remains dimly in the back of the mind.

    In the beginning days of those suicidal feelings, it culimated in a first attempt in early '03 when I was 18. I did a few different things--made a noose (but couldn't bring myself to kick out the stool under my feet), carbon monoxide (that didn't work) and then finally I overdosed on an aspirin bottle (I had no other methods on hand at the time, no guns or anything in the house hold). But of course it didn't kill me, it just got me extremely sick and landed me a visit in the hospital. I had actually droven myself to the hospital the day after I OD'ed--I was sick all night and still didn't feel good the next morning and decided I needed to be checked. No one from my family knew what I did, until I called them from the hospital since they would not release me unless someone came to get me (they didn't hold me for 72 hours as is the law, for some reason). It was a diffcult experience, both the suicide attempt and the family reaction. But I didn't receive any kind of treatment afterward; I had a couple of "talks" with the parents but after that the issue was kind of buried.

    Since then, as I mentioned, I have been intermittently suicidal but not serious enough to do anything, fortunately I was busy with school and work and in concentrating on those tasks I didn't have much time to let the thoughts overcome once again. But now I'm beginning to hit another dead end and the feelings are re-emerging.

    Sometimes when you hear of people who survived a suicide attempt, they talk about all the life and things they would've missed out on if they had succeeded. Here am I over four years later, and I can't say that I could say the same thing. I don't feel like there's much I would've missed out on. It feels like it has just been a postponement of the inevitable. The past four years have been all about college and school, and both have been struggles seeming to be a dead-end path. Sure there are minor pleasures here and there like but overall, when I look back I can't say that I regret the first attempt. Sure, it was painful, as was seeing the reaction of my family, but do I wish I had succeeded? I kind of do.

    So why have I been suicidal, why have I had depressive episodes? What it basically boils down to is that ultimately, I don't have what it takes for life, and I don't see anything to live for. I don't have what it takes to live a successful, normal, meaningful life like everyone else and have a place in society. I just don't feel I do.

    For one, I don't have much social skills, and thus I lead a starkly lonely existence. Growing up, I haven't had many friends--an occasional amicable acquaintance at school who I would hang out with, but that's about it. For high school, I can count on my left hand the number of people I actually hung out with outside of school. I guess that, socially, I just don't have much to bring to the table. I've never had a girlfriend and I never will, consequently I'll never have a wife or raise a family, so that isn't in my future. And I know at this point you would say things like "How do you know you'll never have a girlfriend?" Because, in running with the theme as it were, I just don't have what it takes for it. Everything you hear about how you have to have "confidence" and all the do's and don't's with dating and all that--I know that it's all correct. But, I just don't have that. I have zero confidence, at least especially when it comes to that sort of thing (talking with girls). You will say, "Well then, learn!" But I don't know how to acquire that confidence. I've read up on it, too, with advice and pointers and stuff, and I just have this gut reaction to it like, "That's just not me." If I were even to take the advice and give it a shot, I know I'd crumble like a house of cards, so my instinct is to just avoid it altogether.

    But there's an additional problem; even if I were to land a girlfriend, I wouldn't know what to do afterward. Because, as I said, I just don't have the social skills necessary to know what to do in that kind of situation. I know I would screw handling it up and it's silly to think about "afterward" when I know I'd fail even the first step, so what's the point. But it's a tough thing to handle in a culture saturated with "love" and "compaionship" and all that; it's hard to be a twenty-something male who has "never been kissed." To go anywhere in public and see plethoras of couples young and old and to reflect on your own status, a feeling of basic incompetence is almost unavoidable. But I've tried to come to terms with this; I accept that the whole "relationship" thing is something I'm just not made for. I will likely die a virgin, oh well. But at the same time it's kind of hard.

    But so what, you'll say. That's not something worth killing yourself over--and I agree. But, it's just one aspect of many.

    I also don't have what it takes for life, intellectually or professionally. I don't have any special skills that are marketable in the workplace, and without a college degree in this day an age there isn't much to do. I've struggled at college. My GPA is not bad (3.5) but there's been a couple of classes I have had to repeat because I just can't seem to do well in them, and they are pre-requisites for transferring (I'm at a community college, BTW--hell on earth). So here I am, and I still have to take these courses before I can move on, and it's not looking good. For a while I was an undecided major, finally I went with math since it's something I'm relatively good at. But those other classes (English/research paper courses) I just keep hitting a brick wall at. And unless I am able to pass them, then it's all down the drain for any academic success. I don't want to live as a failure.

    I know so far my problems seem awfully trite, and in reviewing the stuff above I know I haven't truly explained myself well. It's a bunch of different things, but those are some of the main ones.

    It just feels like my life is going nowhere. I just don't see anything to live for in the future. Life drags on yet I seem to stay in the same place. College has been a struggle and I've chosen the major but I seem to have lost any enthusiasm I had. I can't find interest in anything. I feel crushed by isolation and despair and I don't see a way out; all I can see is remaining in a malaise in the future. This isn't just depression, a mere chemical imbalance of the brain. No, this is the genuine despair of a life going wrong. No pill can fix that. Each day I wake up to the same horror: I discover that I am still me, that I am still where I am, and I am consumed by overwhelming despondency. I wish I was born as someone else, someone better, in another place. An outsider would look at me and say "Shut the f*ck up, you're life is fine." But I am the one living my life. I don't feel that way. At all. I float along, not able to find any direction, nothing worthwhile to pursue. Oh, there are things worthwhile, there are things worth living for, but they are too difficult to obtain, and I can't find the know how to achieve them. Sometimes I wish my parents had worn protection; they had two children already, did they really need a third? But no, I was born. I won the cosmic lottery. Of all the millions of sperm that could have implanted in the egg, I was the one. I was born into life. And I'm stuck with it. I have no talents, no skills, nothing to offer that a million other people couldn't offer.

    I know it's my responsibility to make something of this life but I can't seem to find the way, I feel like I repeatedly hit a brick wall. I really don't know what the future holds. Life has come to reveal itself as one long, giant, pointless struggle. What it all comes back to is as I said, I just don't have what it takes for life and I don't really have anything to live for.

    But, at the same time, I know suicide is immoral. I know that it would adversely affect my family, and that's a big deterrent that has stayed my hand for so long. But time after time, I can't even promise I can abide by that obligation.

    I don't want to hurt my family. But I also don't want to exist. None of us asked to be born; our parents reared us without our input and in the absence of any element of choice we find ourselves in the midst of life. Yet people get angry when you try to leave it on your own terms. Call it immoral, call it cowardly, call it irrational, call it whatever. But why should I be forced to lead an existence that, at the end of each day, I don't want? I don't want to be me. I'd fix things if I could. I just don't know how. That's another cliche I have qualms with, the whole "permanent solution to a temporary problem" quote. Yes, by definition every problem is temporary because LIFE is temporary, ultimately. But, I disagree on the more important point: I think it's very true that there are some problems for which there is really no solution. Maybe we can learn to live with the problem that we can't solve. But I am unable to find the will to do so.

    I know that whole bit too about life is suffering. No one has it easy, I understand that. Everyone has problems and the challenge of life is to deal with them; but as for me, at the end of the day I can't help but ask myself, 'What's the point?" Maybe life's a challenge, but it's one I can't succeed at. I know there are many, many people in the world who have it worse than me. I'd do anything to change that condition. But that doesn't make me feel any better; it makes me feel more petty. It doesn't make me feel any different about the problems in my life.

    The post has become painfully lengthy, my apologies. I could go on further but I'll just stop here. It's getting awfully late where I live and I'm growing more incoherent the longer I rant on. Anway, no, I'm not actively suicidal at the moment. I've told myself that I'll force myself to keep on trucking until the spring when I will give another stab at that class I keep failing at. But if once again I crash and burn academically...I don't know what I'd do with myself. That might be once and for all the final straw.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 28, 2007
  2. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    I'm gonna admit I didn't read it all, I'm sorry. But good on you for sharing this story and yes it is the right place to share it :)
    I'm sorry your life hasn't improved one bit since those attempts. And personally I've considered the aspirin thing but yeah we wont go there.

    about the girlfriend thing, dont think that every girls want a arrogant and confident guy with a million friends. And who cares if you've 'never been kissed' seriously once you find the girl she will like you for you, not on the number of people who kissed or slept with, trust me!

    This sentence baffled me
    care to explain that one for me? I didnt know we had a check list we had to have done to have what it takes for a life.

    You seem pretty smart, though you've mentioned struggling with some classes, maybe this doesnt come down to intellegence but motivation? you could always get a tutor if you got serious about it.

    And yeh most things require a degree but there still are ways (long ways) to get into job, yeah maybe start at the bottom and work ya way up without a degree.

    I think you sound like a nice guy :) welcome to the site, i hope I helped even a little, anyway you're always welcome to send me a message if ya ever wanna chat or advice :hug:
  3. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    I didn't read it all either (But I probably will when I get more time) but I read to the part where you said you are relatively good at math.

    Well, count your blessings there because I SUCK at math. I suck so bad at math there isn't even a word for how bad I suck at it. I can't even do the math necessary to hold a managerial job at a fast food joint. Imagine that. That's a relatively low wage job (unless you get into really upper management). And I can't even do that just because I can't do basic math.

    I have fairly poor social skills as well. Haven't had a girlfriend in years. I wouldn't even know how to go about asking someone. And I'd probably just get irritated with her because I like doing things by myself so much.

    Anyway, if you're good at math and you can clearly write pretty well, you're not really too limited in what you can do. It might not be exactly fun but at least you'll be making decent money. A lot of people (like me) struggle just to survive because we aren't blessed with the necessary basic skills. Math is a big one. Choose something and the chances are that you can make it. The only kinds of jobs I can get are minimum wage. I also have epilepsy so that further limits my choices. I even used to have some trouble as a cashier. If the customer gave me a $20 and I punched in the amount tendered and then they changed their mind, I was basically screwed. I simply couldn't count in my head. I would have to embarrass myself by doing it on paper or counting on my fingers.

    I guess maybe this wasn't what you wanted to hear but sometimes, what someone needs is to hear how bad some other people have it to realize what they have.
  4. Mew

    Mew Active Member

    Seems classes are on your mind quite a bit (been there, not there anymore thank god :)). Does the college offer some kind of service that hooks you up with student tutors or something? When I was flunking calc, I hooked up with a math tutor (free of charge) which allowed me to *barely* manage to get through. Might be worth a shot if it's an option and you haven't tried it.
  5. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    I read it all, and holy shit.

    I only started posting here a few days ago, I have yet to post my "story," or post number 1, as it were.

    But I don't need to anymore, it is like you have posted it for me. I could copy/paste it into my own thread under my own name and change nothing. I share your every sentiment, every word describes myself as well as you, down to the college GPA.

    If you tell us your name is Jeff I'll shoot myself right now just so there aren't two of us so miserable roaming the earth at the same time.
  6. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I read your entry, and I can really relate to what you're going through.

    I've been there myself many times, and now I am back again.

    Since I've told my story before, I'm too tired to give you the details.

    Suffice it to say I'm totally alone most of the time, with the big S in back of my mind.

    Anyway, stick to math. It looks like it could be your way out.
  7. Shyfear

    Shyfear Well-Known Member

    Wow, I read it all and I can relate to so much of it with some exceptions because I am a girl. but almost all of it applies to me.
    I haven't met very many other people with social anxiety like me (assuming that's what you have). I did have a boyfriend or two when I was younger, although it was internet dating (I was young and stupid) and I found I didn't know what to do either, they only ended up lasting a week or two. But in person I haven't had one, haven't really been able to get close to guys, I assume I must be the ugliest person ever because of it. People seem to hate my personality too so that's kind of the end of my social life.
    I'm in school too, at one of the hardest universities here in canada. I failed my math class and am doing so bad on my tests and assignments. Sometimes I have my inspirational moments and am motivated to complete my degree in suicidology (I know, it's ironic consider I will end up dying by suicide) but I'm having the hardest time keeping away from suicidal thoughts for the same reasons that you said. I cant picture myself actually surviving and being useful in life.
    I know I dont know you at all, but I really like you. You aren't alone on this aspect.
  8. Cestmoi

    Cestmoi Well-Known Member

    Don't you think you identify the problem right there; way too much affected by what appears to be expected of you. Really, why would you think intimacy is something special anyway, when everyone seems to have it by their twenty-something?
  9. glacier3141

    glacier3141 Member

    Well, I'm glad (sorry?) to see that I'm not the only one and that others can relate. I suppose these kinds of things are common. I'm sorry to hear some of the troubles you guys are going through and I hope you are able to pull through.

    Precisely because everyone has it by their twenty-something; they apparently know something I don't, or have the abilities I don't. That's the thing, when it seems so abdundant yet you are not a part of it, you think to yourself, "They can do it, why can't I? What's wrong with me?"
  10. Aegis2003

    Aegis2003 Active Member

    I have some of the problems you talk about. I find it hard to make friends, never had a girlfriend ,though I have kissed some 3 or 4 times in my life when I was 18/19 ( now I´m 23).I feel like I always miss the party...
  11. Cestmoi

    Cestmoi Well-Known Member

    Well I think you 've found what's wrong with you. You 've no faith in yourself whatsoever.

    How can something abundant be special though? Intimacy with another person appears to be something so wonderful; and yet at the same time so trivial?
    What if everyone around you didn't appear to have it; would you be happy then, despite not having it?
  12. glacier3141

    glacier3141 Member

    I know what's wrong with me; I spent the whole OP trying to delineate it. A major part of it perhaps is that I've no faith in myself. But knowing what the problem is doesn't automatically mean knowing the solution. I don't know what to do about it.

    Why, in order for something to be special it has to be scarce? Many things can be considered special even though they're not necessarily in short supply. Interpersonal intimacy is apparently one of the major joys of life, and even though one may not have ever experienced it, nevertheless it can still come to be a gaping hole in a person's life. But, as I said, I've tried to come to terms with it.

    No, I wouldn't suddenly be happy about it. But if it was the case that everyone else didn't have it, then I wouldn't feel more alienated than I already am. It's not the fact that everyone around me having it is the core problem, but it's definitely a compounding factor that doesn't help.
  13. Cestmoi

    Cestmoi Well-Known Member

    You 're convinced that there is a certain path you have to take through life and that you 're not capable of doing so. I don't know what you are capable of but I do know that where you should start is eliminating the notion that there is one acceptable path.
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