Struggling and feeling totally alone/why i am here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Chadley, May 19, 2015.

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  1. Chadley

    Chadley Member

    Hi everyone, I have been here on SF for a while now, and after spending some time in the chat, and getting to know a few people, it has been recommended to me that I post here with my story of what brought me here, and in general how I am feeling, after much procrastinating I have finally gotten around to it. It is not easy for me to put all of this out there like I am here, but I have been told that it will help and possibly give me a sense of release, so that is why I have decided to finally do this.

    I am 27 years old, still living at home with my parents, I attended college for a year and got a certificate for a computer course that for the last 2 years I have nothing with with the only exception being writing and passing the first of 2 parts of my A+ certification, which is surely meaningless by now. I have watched everybody around me surpass me in every aspect of life while I continue to stand still. I have yet to get my drivers license, I have had a few jobs throughout the years, but in all but one of them i was fired before 3 months were up, and the one I did hold past 3 months, it was revealed to me that the only reason i wasnt fired was because my mom was working in the head offices, and my bosses knew her, and didnt want to upset her, thus kept me on staff despite the fact that i was falling short of expectations at the time. After being fired from my last job I havent had the confidence to get back working as the fear of losing another job is very overwhelming to me.

    When I was in grade 10 my grandpa passed away of a heart attack, he had asked me to come help him do the gardening that weekend, and i turned him down because i decided i would rather waste my time laying around doing nothing, I asked paramedics about it before anyone really knew the surrounding circumstances, and I was told that with the amount of physical labour he was doing, chances were that his chances of not experiencing the heart attack would have been heavily decreased had someone been doing the "heavy lifting" for him. I have never forgiven myself for that, and I probably never will. Years later my grandma was in the end stages of passing away due to lung issues, i was reminded multiple times to call and wish her a happy birthday, I never did, and she ended up passing away, that hurt me quite badly. She left me a $2000 inheritance which I proceeded to spend on drinking away the pain and regret. I was set straight by a co worker who had had a drinking problem in her past, and luckily i stopped drinking before I did any serious damage to myself.

    Living with my parents has become an extreme struggle for me, it has been a struggle for years, I am constantly on the receiving end of cheap shots about the fact that I dont work, and am a freeloader, I just seem to be everyones whipping boy in the house, when someone has a bad day they see me and they yell at me or take cheap shots at me. My parents heavily favor my sister as far as treatment goes, when she comes out to visit for a few days each month (she moved out of the house and to a different city) the treatment gets even worse. To give a few examples, my sister came out to visit for my birthday and my sister recommended going to bingo as a fun family activity, I had no interest in going, and recommended numerous other activities, but when I said I wasnt interested in bingo I got called a "party pooper" and a "debbie downer" and was constantly ridiculed until I caved and agreed to go and do what my sister wanted to do on MY birthday. When she is here I try to spend time with the family at the table and I am pretty much instantly chased off the second I say anything and they dismiss it as me being stupid, or just insult and jab at me until I leave.

    The one incident that brought me here was that I decided to be very honest with my dad and told him how I was feeling, told him that I am EXTREMELY depressed and that I spend a good portion of my days thinking about killing myself, I was dismissed as just looking for attention, when I brought up some online test results that showed me as in the dangerous area of depressed I was told that the results came back that way because I wanted them to come back that way. After that point in the conversation I basically tuned out and realized that I will receive no help from my parents at all, which put me into a very dark place, and led me here. Since I came here, I have had my ups and downs, I have also made some really great friends that have been such a great support for me (You fine folks know who you are) but lately I feel like I am on a slippery slope and I just keep sliding backward. I think about suicide more and more each day, and it is becoming a more and more viable option in my mind. I often find myself losing alot of sleep just laying awake questioning why I just cant seem to get anything right. I have no means to get to counselling, and even if I did have those means, I certainly dont have the money to pay for it, so I guess you could say that I feel very stuck in this routine of pain, and honestly I am not sure how much longer I can keep pushing myself through. I am sure I have probably missed a few things, but I feel this pretty accurately describes my predicament, any comments or suggestions on how to cope with alot of this would be appreciated, I will be happy to answer any questions anyone has aswell. I frequent the chat quite alot, although I havent been in there much lately, but if anyone wants to chat and you see me in there, I would be happy to talk there aswell. Thanks all.
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I know it is not easy to put your feelings out there, but I find it easier to do here, because people will listen and not pass judgment. I found myself relating to a lot of what you wrote. I am also without a job and don't drive, and it is hard when people make jokes or make you feel bad about yourself. You said you won't forgive yourself for not being there for your grandpa, but you can't blame yourself for what happened. As far as your family being unkind to you, you don't deserve that at all, no one does. it's not right for anyone to make you feel unimportant. I'm sorry that you would not be able to pay for counseling. I hope something will eventually work out for you and you will be able to get the help that you are seeking. But in the meantime, I hope that posting here helps ease some of the pain. I know there are friendly and supportive people here that you can talk to at any time, and they will get it, and won't dismiss your feelings as your family has. I wish there was a quick fix for depressed feelings, but usually I just distract myself until I forget about whatever is bothering me. I'm probably not helping much, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way.
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I understand you are suffering but perhaps if you do some voluntary work then perhaps gives some confidence. Once you are in a rut it's hard to get out of. The ones who truly understand are the ones who suffer every day.

    Families are tough to deal with and you have to be patient. You need to seek medical advice about your sleepless nights. You need to seek conselling about the feelings you are having. Be strong please. It's about coping on an hour by hour basis.
  4. Leolsrik

    Leolsrik Well-Known Member

    I can relate to so much of that! And in a matter of weeks I'll be in almost the exact same situation as you - failed university twice, unable to work, still living with my mother in my 20s, my issues not taken seriously, can't pay for counselling, treated like crap for being a freeloader. Let's be friends in failure!
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