Finally home from being at a respite facility for the last twelve days. Yesterday I actually had a day where I was feeling a little better. Thought I might be beating the depression even though I still haven't seen the psychiatrist and gone on an antidepressant. Think I was wrong. Came home today and for the first half hour everything was fine then reality hit me again. Missing me husband terribly. This house, his things and everything reminds me of the fact that he is gone, that I'll never get to spent another moment with him. It's Monday here and on Wednesday it will be the anniversary of the day he propose to me in the very house. On Thursday it will be five months since he past away. Feels like none of this will ever end. I can't think straight, I go to do something around the house and my head just won't work properly. Need to do a budget, my budget is really bad right now. The housework hasn't been done for three weeks but I can't get my head around where to even start. I've put on so much weight, nothing fits me any more. I have one pair of jeans left and two dresses that I hate. And it's summer here, going to start getting hot and I haven't been able to find the money to buy any clothes. Feel so alone. Feel like I'm always going to be alone now. Spent eight of the twelve days in respite wanting to be dead, planning at times, and handing things in to staff that I could hurt myself with. Now I'm home, alone, just my head driving me crazy. Keep wanting to self harm. Struggling so much not to listen to those thoughts and feelings. Can't seem to work out what to do. Sad Alone Dejected Worthless I have no hope left.