Struggling badly

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by *dilligaf*, Jan 23, 2008.

  1. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    The last few days I have been loosing it. I feel like I am stuck in that dark tunnel again. Like there is no way out. I am suffocating on my feelings. I know there are people out there trying to help me, trying to save me, but they just can’t reach. I feel like I am never going to be free of these feelings, free of the pain, free of the hurt.

    Something hit me on Sunday night, and knocked me right back, I don’t even know what it was, or why it effected me so much but it did. And now I am back to one of the worst points in this again.

    *Possible trigger*

    I keep dreaming. Last night I saw her dead. She was lying on the sofa, covered by a coat and she was cold. Her face was exactly like it was that night. She looked peaceful, asleep.

    I can’t cope with going through that night over and over again. It was bad enough that night, I can’t keep seeing it again.
    Nearly every night I have a dream where she dies again. I am at her funeral, and then we find out that she is still alive. So we take her home, but she is so so ill. She is like I imagined she would get before she died. Worse than I could imagine really, and then she passes away again.

    I try to sleep to get rid of the pain and hurt, but instead all I do is have dreams like this and wake up feeling worse than before. I don’t know what to do anymore, and I can’t even cry for some reason.

    Someone help me :help:
  2. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    im sorry to hear you are feeling so bad:sad: please try to hang in there hun :hug:
  4. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Im trying but i just dont know whats wrong with me at the moment
  5. three

    three Member

    Hello there. I'm new, so I don't know how you lost her. Let me say I'm so sorry that you've lost someone precious in your life.

    I can say, though, about those dreams - I've had them, too. Sounds almost like the same set up in the dream! Mine were about my mom, who was bipolar and eventually committed suicide. So in mine, mom ends up alive, still bipolar and in the bad stages, and then gets ready to commit suicide again. The dreams used to happen to the point where they gave me extreme anxiety! Living through that once is enough - nightly is torture.

    Weird thing is - my husband has the same dreams as you've described, only about his mom who died of cancer.

    I think that losses like this are just too hard for our mind to comprehend. For some reason when we sleep, our dreams have us hash them over again like they're searching for an answer that isn't really there. I had these dreams for years (and additionally, dreams where I was living in mom's house again - over and over til I thought that I, too, didn't want to sleep...).

    The good news is, they start to fade. They do. One thing that helped me was to take a moment just before sleeping and face the anxiety of having a certain type of dream. I'd say "I might have this kind of bad dream tonight. But instead, I want to have a dream where I ____________" and then I'd sit and imagine some wonderful experience I'd like to live through the dream-experience... like riding horses through a field, or walking through a forest, or flying. (Hurray for escape dreams!) It has worked for me quite a few times and really, I think that facing that anxiety and saying "no" to it helped the dreams to go away.

    I think it *feels* like the cruelest thing our mind does, making us go through the loss again. But there IS a reason for it, for our minds to go over those points again. What the dream might be saying is "hey, we haven't dealt with this yet...I'm not over it...I'm still hurting". And it's ok to hurt. That's fine, tho it really sucks, doesn't it? But just realize that as annoying and hurtful (and REAL) as these dreams are, I think they're pretty normal for someone who has experienced such a devestating loss! How can we get over things like that? Well we do to a certain extent, it takes time, and it's a hard road. But we have to have patience with ourselves and give ourselves permission to take a long time to heal.

    By the way, never ever let anyone tell you "You should be over that by now" or just "you'll get over it" because I think somewhere in our hearts we always have a painful scar from loss. The trick to surviving, and then thriving, is finally finding a way to realize that the love we had that caused this pain was beautiful. So in a way, our pain is beautiful. What if we were the type of person who never felt? Had stone hearts? No thank you.

    Tonight, when you go to sleep, and the nights thereafter, take a moment to spoil yourself with potential good dream scenarios. Try to really experience them - what would the air feel like, smell like? Etc. And if you have a bad dream, it's ok - it takes practice and sometimes the dreams just pop up anyway. But if you're like me and my husband, they do start to go away and then just pop up less and less.

    I'll pray and hope for restful sleep for you. Be sure to take care of yourself in other ways, too: be careful to eat well, take vitamins to counteract your stress from lack of sleep, and do at least one nice thing for yourself a day. You've earned it, haven't you?

    Take care.
    just three
  6. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    sam :hug:
  7. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Thank you for your post hun :hug:

    Firstly I lost my Nan to lung cancer.

    I so know what you mean about that. I doubt very much that I have actually dealt with teh loss of my Nan as well as I should have done. Yeah, it really does suck :sad: It's good to hear someone say that it's normal to have dreams like this, especially from someone who has, in the past, been through it and gotten past them.

    Thank you again hun, you've given me a lot to think about.

    Sam xoxoxoxo
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 27, 2008
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey sam, just a line to say thinking of you and love ya to bits. Hope you're doing a little better.
  9. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Heya hun,

    I'm alright today thanks.

    Loves ya xoxoxo
  10. three

    three Member

    Sam, you wrote "I doubt very much that I have actually dealt with teh loss of my Nan as well as I should have done."

    There's no 'should have', because everyone's different. You're dealing with it as well as you have the tools to, and besides I'm pretty sure that you're most likely human. :) These things are hard. I'm glad that my post might help you see that it can be done. You'll just do it The Sam Way, and that way will be best for you.

    You know, I had another one of those dreams the other day - a couple this week actually - and they didn't bother me as much. But it just shows you that if you have them, it doesn't mean you're not progressing. I think actually it means you ARE progressing! I'd be a lot more frightened if you had bottled everything up and weren't feeling anything about it. Sounds like you're absolutely normal and very sweet. Don't change a thing, please. The world needs more of that.

    still just three
  11. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Hey Three,

    I THINK i'm human :tongue:

    Sorry you are still having those dreams but i am glad they are not affecting you as much. I have only had one since I posted about them. IT was quite a bad one, but still, one isn't bad. :smile:

    Thanks for your support.

    Sam xoxo
  12. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    I can deffiantly say that she is not human :eek:hmy: :nono:
  13. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni


    :whack: you :laugh:

    :wub: 's ya baby xoxo
  14. three

    three Member

    Hello there. :) I was just checking in to see how you are doing. I'm glad to hear that maybe the dreams are backing off a bit! Whew!

    Anyway, had just been thinking about you and thought I'd pop in.

  15. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Thanks for keeping an eye on me hun :smile:

    Im doing okay at the moment thanks :hug:
  16. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    Hi Sam im sorry you are not doing so good you can pm is you need to or ill cath u on msn

    take care Dawn
  17. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Thanks hun :hug: :hug:
  18. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy


    Im so sorry to hear of all your hurt. What is clear though is how incredibily strong you are, it resounds with everything you say.

    I lost my nan is similally tramatic circumstances, and with time things are starting to get better. Its so hard and cliche, but time really is the only healer.

    If you ever want to talk, please PM me

  19. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Thank you for your reply :hug:
  20. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Your more than welcome.

    I just wish i could take your pain away, im not very good with words.