Struggling but beginning to lose the battle. Is it worth the effort?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by cablackf, Aug 25, 2012.

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  1. cablackf

    cablackf New Member

    My story is probably similar to everyone else. At a young age I was diagnose with a kidney and bladder disorder that is not enough to cause significant morbidity but enough to cause severe daily pain and inability to go out drink or even do much. As a result I spent most childhood indoors and was unable to make friends. Socially awkward with zero self esteem I struggle with even the basics of life. I spent my life trying to prevent my pain that I prevented my self from feeling anything at all. I finished my bachelors but alone in debt with no job or career to call my own. I moved back in with family and discovered that my parents whom I once thought highly are just selfish and nothing more. Everyone I have ever loved has died or betrayed me. I see no good characteristics in anyone. After my near death car wreck I realized for all the years I have lived, not one moment have I been happy. My heart is broken and I no longer have the drive nor motivation to continue. My health is deteriorating and I hate everyone. Humanity is justselfish and if you experienced what I have then you would understand. I give all my energy to fight my sadness and health that I have nothing left. I have chronic pain with no chance for relief. I just think the battle is not worth it. What I am I getting. A life filled with pain and debt to what work forever and be unable to enjoy life. What is life if youcannot live it. I am a logical pre med student and I see this as the only probable alternative. I wanted to use my health experiences to help others but I cannot help them if I cannot physically or mentally stabalize myself. I have not smiled for once as I am afraid to let out emotions at the risk of dumping and harming another. I know suicide will harm others but how long do we have to care for others at the risk to ourselves especially when it is never givenback. I try to see good in humanity but I see nothing. I am just a broken mistake that will be forgotten. I feel it is the most logical decision as it is my life and no one and nothing matters when your faced with death. In the end the only person with you as you die is you. Obviously I am writing to communicate with others, but I am not sure why seeing as I have rationalized this decision with logic.
     
  2. Black Beauty

    Black Beauty Well-Known Member

    Damn, that does suck. <Mod Edit - Acy - Inappropriate> At the end of the day, the reality is people, being selfish like you said, only like other people who have self-esteem and fit in socially. There's two ways you can deal with this. One is to shut yourself off from the world, the other way is to take advantage of it. Obviously taking advantage of it is a huge pain in the ass because you have to learn to be social and bubbly and make everyone like you, so if you're lazy like me, don't bother. Alternatively maybe you can go to the media with your sob story and if they publish it you might get some sympathy. Sometimes I'd recommend against suicide for certain situations but if you're suffering from chronic pain then I personally am a supporter of voluntary death for those who are suffering. Don't just take my opinion though hopefully others will chime in with advice.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 25, 2012
  3. champie

    champie Well-Known Member

    Our stories are quantitatively miles apart, so I can only sympathize. However, I wonder about the quality of you logic. Perhaps you would enjoy the challenge of a paradigm shift?

    I look forward to witnessing your curiosity :)

    It sounds like you're pretty tough and hard working. They are very admirable qualities.
     
  4. cablackf

    cablackf New Member

    I am not in it for sympathy. I don't expect it nor desire it. I am not super upset or depressed just consumed. I see it as a way of putting something out of its misery , similarly to a maimed animal. I wrote tosee whether or not my logic was right. You seek to understand the power of chronic pain. It is emotionaaly and physically draining. I am just spent. I didn't mean to say bad about all humanity just everyone I have ever met.
     
  5. champie

    champie Well-Known Member

    I am only encouraging you to question your logic by shifting your paradigm. Are you qualitatively the equivalent of a maimed animal? Please don't misinterpret my comments and questions as aggressive. I am here because I'm trying to sort out this stuff as well, and I make an effort to construct my posts as probing examinations of the thinking process.
     
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