struggling for too long

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by marche, May 8, 2007.

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  1. marche

    marche Member

    i was never getting better with my depression ,i sought help when i was younger and spent time in a hospital,i'm 28 an i moved from pa to nc and everything went downhill fast my boyfriend of 13 years has dumped me we have a 13yr old daughter that doesnt know of the breakup,it seemed when he got down here he wanted to start anew without me,but he still wants sex from me,since we are living in the same apt till june.i could feel my heart break,theres noway i'm gonna face my daughter with it.i know its selfish to want to take my life,but ever since i was younger i could see me lying in the casket,if anyone were to know my life from day one,why i am i still here would be the question.i am not religious so saying to me if you believe in god and go to church he'll help you see your life has meaning.i finally realise that everything is my fault and im ready to pay for all my mistakes ,i have tried several times to take my life,but they all got me trips to the hospital.when i do do it this time there will be no hospital trip.i'm in my apt alone every day since getting a job is hard,now i have time to sort out how,im gonna write a detailed paper for my ex-bf stating i want my sweetpea to be with him since my family is screwed up,and im gonna write a sorry letter to my daughter explaining that i will understand her hatred towards me, cause i know taking my life is a cowardly selfish thing to do and to leave her without a lifetime of memories is wrong but for me for her seeing me crash is not good either.but to say what i am feeling to my ex bf he would think this is a guilt trip,so why bother telling him,i guess you can say i failed
     
  2. kirstyclive

    kirstyclive Guest

    you havent failed, and not everything is your fault... everything you have said i have also heard myself say time and time again... getting a job was what helped me see clearly so i wasnt looking at the same four walls day in day out. keep trying to find work, i know its difficult... i am in a very similar situation right now, i live with my ex and we still have sex. i am so in love with him still and cant get over him while living with him, every time he talks of women it drives me crazy... but that can and will all change and it will for you too... when you are living without him it'll help a great deal to heal the emotional pain from the break up. just getting out everyday will also help go to new places and see new things just so your not stuck in all the time, i know this must sound absolutely mental but trust me, i've been there, it helps. 3 weeks ago i was lying in a hospital bed after trying to take my life, 3 days later i had a job and was getting out, talking to people, not looking at the same four walls... the relief and uplift was amazing and something i thought i'd never feel..

    Please dont give up trying, i know you can come through this, i'm living proof. Please hang in there, for your own sake and for the sake of your daughter.

    If you ever want to chat Marche i'm here kirstymdunlop@hotmail.co.uk

    please feel you can talk to me and lean on me in the times you're finding hardest.

    Kirsty
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Ok, I read this then went away and then came back; and am still no nearer to an answer:sad:
    The only thing I can say is wait. Wait until things have settled down a bit. Wait until your mind isn't racing with fright, upset and depression.
    Think and think again!!!!
    Imagine what it will be like for your daughter...imagine her having to go to the funeral:sad:
    Not trying to lay a guilt trip on you hun :hug:..but please wait and think about what all this will mean to those who love you.
     
  4. marche

    marche Member

    where iam at its in a desolete area my ex bf has the only car,my daughter still resides in pa,she will come down in june,i have alot on my shoulders,i have to find another apt while finding a job and i hear about the bills constantly an the reminder that he doesnt want me buthe wants me as a bestfriend,im 28 not a 5th grader,i have thought of my daughter and that makes it worse i havent lived up to the parent standered i made,like being able to give whatever she wants,i know she holds me in high reguards,but to me its not cool for her and her friends to see me declining from life,i've had too many jacked up things in my life happen to me that i think off all those problems everyday.i'm sure if my daughter was here none of this would of happened ,i think he blames me for coming down here without taking care of things back in pa,but he was not doing what he needed down here,so i came and now i regret doing so.
     
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Ok, one day and one thing at a time..you sound really overwhelmed.
    1. would it be better if you moved back to PA?
    2. if you're going to stay where you are, then get the job stuff sorted.
    3. once you have a job you will feel less at the mercy of everyone else.
    4. once you have thejob you could think about getting your own apartment.

    One day at a time hun, one thing at a time.
    When you need an ear post, or you can pm me..you are not alone!!!
    Just take it moment by moment :hug:
     
  6. marche

    marche Member

    i have thought of my daughter at my funeral,it hurts but i wont see it,i thought of offing myself since i was a child ,not healthy but niether was my childhood.i tried reasoning with myself but it doesnt work,an for my family they wouldnt be shocked over my death,suicide runs in my famy,many of my family members committed suicide,so from what i can tell everyone got on with thier lives after there deaths
     
  7. kirstyclive

    kirstyclive Guest

    as long as you take it slowly you'll get through it... a job can open so many doors tio you... i told you, im in exactly the same position... clive is my best friend, we still live together and we still have sex but somehow he manages to see us as mates and nothing more.. a job will open the doors to you on an apartment, a social life and in general a life where you dont have all the demands and pressures that he is putting on you.

    If you ever want to chat always know that i am hear.

    Kirsty
     
  8. marche

    marche Member

    unfort,he has family down here and my daughter is exicted to live here an see her family.i had nothing good in pa my job there was underpay and i couldnt fit my bills ,but as to going back he said it would be a waste of time an money ,i gave myself acouple of days atleast enough to get my first unemployment check so i can cash it and put it in a envelope and give it to my ex bf im making sure i give him the best of me till then,i do talk to my daughter so she knows i care.but when the last day comes ,all of everything will be over,i know she will damn me forever ,atleast she wont find me ,i will write to my ex an tell him to tell her i fell sick and i slipped away in a hospital,i know that using suicide is a scapegoat from my problems,
     
  9. marche

    marche Member

    thank you kirsty
    the only thing with me is im not exactly a people person.i have exactly 3 friends there in pa,one of my friends went missing 2 years ago and the other 2 i didnt really hang with but we all chat and hanged acouple times,
     
  10. kirstyclive

    kirstyclive Guest

    well, i could be your friend on here, you dont know me, you cant see my face, but you can talk to me... i am always here, and will listen and support you through this... i told you, my situation isnt all so different so i do understand.

    Kirsty.....
     
  11. marche

    marche Member

    i do have friends i chat with i have acouple online friends that are my friends,but i wouldnt want them too worry about me.i do have one family member i would talk to but she just found out she is pregnant and she has to watch her health since she was told she might have a chance of losing it,she lives in scotland so she would freakout and worry herself too much.even tho i wish i could talk about my prob with her.
     
  12. kirstyclive

    kirstyclive Guest

    well, just remember i always have an ear... well 2 actually! heehee! i will always listen and support you in the best way that i can, please dont forget that i am here..

    kirstymdunlop@hotmail.co.uk

    Kirsty.............
     
  13. marche

    marche Member

    i wont forget.
    thanks:)
     
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