Struggling for years now its got really bad

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ukmale40, Jun 13, 2015.

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  1. ukmale40

    ukmale40 Member

    I've had a terrible last 3 years, split with my missus, had to sell my house, my nan passed away, i hate my job, and last October i got arrested in town and had my face smashed in by a police officer just for asking him why his officers were arresting my friend, I filed a complaint but that just come back with lies that i was abusing him....i was not !

    I have never been good with dealing with problems, everything seems to difficult, and everything has built up.

    I don't have any children, and am living with my parents whilst i look for somewhere else to live, my mum is great but my Dad and me don't get on so much, he thinks im pathetic which may be true.

    I'm 40 years old and my life is just rubbish, i hardly smile and if i do im just faking it im just dead inside and so sick of feeling like this.

    The last two days have felt like im having some sort of breakdown, yesterday i went down to the shed and got some <Mod Edit:Methods> and just broke down crying, i haven't been out in days and have become extremely paranoid of the police and what they can do to me and just lie about it all, also that the officer will get some sort of revenge for me making a complaint.

    I just don't know what to do, i wish i could just up and leave here but im so weak and worn out from everything that i just don't have any drive in me to do it.......
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 13, 2015
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    The police acted horrible in this instance, talk about an abuse of power, so I can understand your mistrust of them now but right now you have to take care of you.
    I think you should see a professional, they can prescribe meds and refer you to people who can help with what you are suffering from. It breaks my heart to see so many people suffering. I think you should ring the samaritans for a more personal ''talk''. They are very helpful.

    Keep talking to us here and I hope you find your place in this world. Best wishes.
  3. ukmale40

    ukmale40 Member

    Thanks for the reply its much appreciated.

    I did actually ring the Samaritans yesterday, first time ive ever done anything like that but i had some seriously bad thoughts in my head and was in the house all alone all day long.

    They were very helpful and listened and i calmed down.

    I just seem to dwell on things, even small problems i can worry about for weeks always thinking of the worst scenario situation, replaying it over and over again in my head which is exhausting.

    When i met my X for 5 years i was "normal" all my problems went away and I functioned fine, we bought a house talked of a family....then the last 5 years of the relationship i started to get bad again with anxiety etc and things slowly went downhill.

    My brother has got me a ticket to Glastonbury festival this month, i was well up for it a few weeks back but i have even told him im not going where ive been so down in the dumps.......when in fact i know i would love it so im going to go and hope i don't have a major flip out being in a massive crowd lol.

    Thanks again for the reply :)
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You are very welcome.

    You're lucky, i've always wanted to go to glastonbury but never had anyone to go with. I truly hope that you have a wonderful time there :) I bet you will.
    The samaritans are great, i'm glad you rang them and relaxed a bit more.

    Sorry for what happened with you ex, is there any hope of getting back together, or is the break for good?

    I hope talking about things is making you feel a bit better :hugs:
  5. ukmale40

    ukmale40 Member

    Theres always next year to go to Glastonbury ( register on-line ), ive been told its better than Reading festival and i have a blast there, the only thing i get after a good festival though is when i get back home i have days of being really depressed, kind of like a festival comedown lol

    My brother came round when i was at a low point and i said im not going lol......he knows what im going through, he doesn't have any worries and just sails through life not caring about much he has 2 kids and house so hes fine, hes a good lad :)

    No chance of getting back with the X to be honest the house is sold shes gone her way ive gone mine, ive got a mortgage in principle and am looking for property but the house prices round here ( and renting, hense me crashing with the parents ) have gone through the roof so not too easy to do with one income, might look at a flats although ive never lived in one so not too sure whether id miss having a garden and feel too isolated.

    Ill give you a full festival report if i make it through the 5 days ! :eek:
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Yeah,I might actually go next year. I've never heard of Reading festival (I'm in Ireland) but it's good to know that you know you are going to have a good time. Fair play to your brother for getting you a ticket, that was very generous and kind and thoughtful of him.

    Crashing with your parents isn't that bad, i'm 26 and living back home again after being in an abusive relationship with a guy aged about 40. He was an asshole and I am glad I left him, parents will always help their kids no matter what.

    I hope things improve for you and yes I do want that full festival report ;)

    Best of luck to you :)
  7. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Sorry it happened to you regarding the police. They usually are good people with good intentions

    Their perspective of what happened could have been very different than yours. Maybe they misinterpreted your facial expressions, tone of voice, body language while you were approaching/asking them why.

    Remember they have to be on defense 24/7. They will kill dogs in the US even if the dog was friendly when making arrest. The time of arrest is when they are vulnerable to attacks and have to neutralize any potential threat.

    Just putting different perspective to make the bad situation little bit better for yiu and it wasnt ur fault anyways
  8. ukmale40

    ukmale40 Member

    Well went to the doctors today, they listened more than ever.

    Been given some sleeping tablets, although i hate taking tablet im going to give them a go, I cant remember the last time i had a good nights sleep !

    Also being contacted by a crisis centre tomorrow ( hopefully they wont lock me up lol ) as they think my anxiety has reached new levels and ive been fighting it for years without see what happens.

    I do feel a bit better for actually going to the GP, they also advised I stay off work but im going back tomorrow as i need some normality back.
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi again :)

    well done for going to the doctor, im delighted you went, i hope the sleeping pills help you.

    They are not going to lock you up for anxiety levels, its just not something that is usually done however they may put you on anti anxiety medication.

    I hope you have a pleasant day at work tomorrow hopefully after a good nights sleep :) Good luck.
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