Struggling Imensly

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TryingToRecover, Apr 9, 2013.

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  1. I have a semi concrete suicidal plan and have been thinking on prep of them but have not down prep yet
    im in outpatient treatment
  2. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    Keep fighting.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You say you are 'out patient', but if you're planning suicide maybe it would be a good idea to tell the professionals what you're doing and they may put you inpatient. You do not have to suffer alone or in silence, keep talking if it helps.
  4. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    why don't speak to them about why you feel this way and what are going to do x
  5. I told my doc what the plan was through their online portal , and the nurses got back to me this morning upset that i sent it after hours ,and that it would have a long time before they could check on me and they also said that they are required to call with messages about major things like that , but we talked about where i was at and why ,and my reasoning and i was being more honest then intended (depression makes you want to hide things)and we talked about my doctor and about her intentions (to keep me safe and such ) i said shes just doing her job and they said no its more then that if someone comes to you like that you would help them etc..
    So i agreed to make a medication appt to be able to have my prozac refilled have been off prozac for a week or more.

    My healtcare coordinator is attempting to talk with my therapist and i have a meeting with my county social worker this week
    My birthday is the 14th ,Ill be 22
  6. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member


    I am glad your doctor knows about your plans and you've told them how you feel, you worry about it being out of hours as it's serious subject that needs brought to their attention, they will whatever is in the power to keep alive. it could mean a few days in secure unit of ward. It could mean daily visits from crisis nurses checking up on you. They may also check readjust your medication so you can not take more than you plan. but the decision is up to them in the long run and how much of high risk you are as well as your previous attempts. Please be aware if they say, we want you in hospital please say yes and go voluntary otherwise you will possibly getting sectioned and you do not want go down that route.
    But remember they are doing it for your own personal protection
  7. I wasn't worried it was after hours they were , and yea i know it is but i also have options and choices ,no one can truly force treatment or help on someone if they don't want it ,unless its truly a matter of life or death , and im deciding to go the natural herbal med route rather then the usual mental health meds ive thought long and hard and made up my mind ,i find i respond to that course much better ,rather then mental health meds.
    Ive also sent a quick email to my local police department and gave them my cell number for follow up.
  8. and besides my therapist is going to take the reighns and do as she sees fit ,and she told me over a phone call that the only time she would report me is if i had brought actual items to hurt myself with and then threaten to hurt myself then she would report me to police for them to remove the item so i cant harm myself and its beyond her limits even just bringing it the items but not using, seems like she thinks that if i had the materials i would go through with it more so and hurt myself as opppsed to just talking about with none of the materials near i think thats how she gauges my safety//

    and she wants me to let her know if i have an emotional reaction so she can help me through rather after the fact and calling her ,possibly she fears if i had a emotional reaction without her there i wouuld be highely unsafe to myself as opposed to processing it with her in session
  9. my social worker says if i email her more detailed plans and she calls me and i dont answer then she will call police on me
  10. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    so do you want her to call the police? I think you should email her more detailed plans. You sound like you really need the help. They'll take you to a mental facility where you can receive help. Suicidal people get to that point eventually anyway. Might as well get it over with and email her.
  11. no i dont
    ive been emailing my local police department ,the police caption said that if i were to call 9-1-1 that an officer will be dispatched to where im at and see what could do to help me and provide me with any resources i shall need at that moment.
  12. my therapist wants to use my creative side in therapy ,im not sure why she thinks it will help or how it will help,she wants to get to the know the true me not the person i put out , she is very interested in getting to know my deeper level besides the surface ,why?

    she wants me to create a poster of 4 quarddents of the DBT modules and use pictures and /or words to describe in essance how i truly feel about those skills ,like what comes up when i think of them and such , she does not want generic she wants me to use my creative side to do it;
  13. Adoption feelings an part story .
    As a little child i wished and hoped for so many things to happen or looking for something to believe in me and others , i had for years had been wondering how i came to be and how my life has totally changed that i was in a different place a different home .

    Starting of with my bio parents and i had no idea as a child what really was going on kinda like a haze of a sort i was lost an dumbfounded and fearful of what was to become .(*=and in my minds eye as a little child i had seen the dimmed or covered emotions in my ether of my parents and others around me ,also i could sense the pity others felt but also the love that they felt ,in wonder how a child so small could be so alone and innocent .

    .I felt it in my blood and i sensed but could not quiet understand at that time i was about to be abandoned lost to be my own, left to my own devices but eventually as i was in the orphanages i grew to really regret having been born an being such a little powerless helpless child that i felt out of control i could not do anything .

    At night i would have these nightmares that reflected the out of control feelings and the fears i was not quite ready to deal with , or yet ready to face the fears as I was such a small helpless child that could only really be itself but with boundaries, attached conditions that made it harder for me to be hurt and ridiculed or judged . I had truly felt like without those conditions to protect me I would have fell and hit rock bottom and failed at being the right type of daughter of a child. As a child I always had felt the need to be what people wanted of me and to be the strong responsible one that was always cooperative an paid attention to details.
    But later on I learned I should have been just me and not have been so sensitive to everything to just have fun an = be a child.
    As I grew up in the orphanages I had little to no contact to others really as a child because I was extremely shy but if you had come to know me really well then you would see my outgoing side ,at the orphanages I saw a lot of hardships ,obstacles little kids other then I faced.
    The despair was so heartbreaking now that I look back but also there were many fair shares of fun time although somewhat limited that seemed to be the common thread that held us all that binded us all so we were all connected and something to hold on to .
    Very little happened in and out of the orphanages mostly there was waking up,getting ready for breakfast an after being able to play after though there was down time before dinner .

    I remember kids being punished by BEING threatened with no food or meal as a punishment also as a punishment no playing outside , I remember the fights that ensued at times between some of the kids got in fights with each other ,lots of screaming and hitting till they were separated.round tables surrounding the kitchen at the orphanage with kids waiting for there food and there not being many nutritious food really an having to share evenly between all kids the food.

    Eventually I got adopted by an American family whom at that time had heard so very little of them but being able to get their pictures an getting gifts from them is what id treasure the most as I look back, and I remember the airport ride to the Minneapolis /St.Paul airport to be picked up by my American family and extended family .
    I remember being so happy an eager , but nervous an somewhat doubtful but ready.
    I remember holding Minnie mouse and heading out of that airport to my new home my new safe place.
  14. Percarus

    Percarus Account Closed


    Man, it is hard giving advice without knowing your exact reasons for wanting to comitt suicide. I am of mature age, and trust me, I have witnessed successful individuals (who had money, a wife, kids) face extreme distress and lived in isolation trapped in their huge fancy homes/castles. Would it not be better to be poor, with just a few good friends, and living life as a non-materialist free from such burdens? Sure, money may help you purchase fancy toys you may use once and never again, what is the point of that? One can simply ask to borrow an appliance from a neighbour, or if they live in a small one bedroom apartment their lodging may trully be considered a home you know trully well. I have witnessed individuals get suicidal from living in meagre living spaces but I often wondered why do they care? You see, outside your home, parks, libraries, shopping centres, public places could simply be perceived as extensions of your home. If you manage to do this (which is easy) your lifestyle will be better than rich magnates I can assure you - who in turn are locked inside large homes with the 'illusion' of wealth.

    If money is your problem you really have to think if that really matters. Buying second hand goods that are like new already saves 90% of your expenditures if you go to the right places. Some individuals need people/friends to survive sanely, others need isolation and embrace a spiritual hermit like style - either way, when you determine what suits you then you are halfway there on your path to Nirvana. Sure, if you desire friends but lack the social skills all you have to do is choose some interesting books to read that will give you conversational ideas. If you don't enjoy reading that is not a problem as there are movies, music, and past-times such as art or activities.

    I had two friends pass away and they were in the pits emotionally... Well, they were not friends but acquaintances, but had they been friends I would have talked sense into them. Remember, your friends are there for a reason, not only to divulge your problems but for you to see theirs too! Trust me, some rich people live really miserably.
  15. Percarus

    Percarus Account Closed

    Ooops, you just posted another one before me... So you dwell on suffering... Believe me that is very common. If I was on your shoes I would do something spontaneous every now and then; maybe go on an utterly blind date, some place that reminds you of the moments you were happiest in life (ie: maybe Christmas) by just repeating social acts associated with such instances. I once thought of writing a book about all my suffering in my life, and boy would it be a long read, but then I wisened up and realised had I done that I would have relived all the terrors of my life instead of focusing on the good things. Perspective means a lot. I hope life turns out good for you still... :'(
  16. It helped me to heal to write out and keep it out of my head ,and i do need to repeat happy moments again recreate when i was most happy and at peace m thanks for the idea i will try that.

    I want to numb and escape my torturous hell inside
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