Struggling *Long long rant*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by *dilligaf*, Nov 1, 2008.

  1. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    I can't take living back at home. It's driving me insane. I went out last night and I got up this morning feeling happy for the first time in a couple of weeks. I got a hell load of my confidence back last night and I was doing okay. Then she walks in and starts asking me what I'm doing tonight, I said nothing. So she tries to get me to have a mate around tonight and I say no (partly becuase I don't have any bloody mates at the moment :dry: ) so she goes "I don't fucking deserve this!" And walked out of the room. What the fuck have I done?!?! She wants to go out tonight with her boyfriend that no one's allowed to know about because she's so ashamed and she feels guilty about leaving me alone all night. Can't she see how fucking much I want her gone? How much I'm looking forward to a night alone?!

    It's driving me mad.
    And making all the urges worse, and belive me, they are bad enough as it is.

    (URGH she came in and now I forgot what I was saying >.< )

    Was talking to a friend of a friend last night and he was telling me about how he used to self harm and had attempted suicide. He ended up giving me loads of methods, not meaning to obviously. He didn't know I was still in that headspace. I woke up this morning and thought back on that conversation and found myself going "Hmm, that's quite clever" :dry:

    The urges are really bad. I don't know which ones worse. The self harm or the suicide. But they both are tearing me apart :cry:

    As a few of you know I started new medication 5 days ago. And I'm scared of what they are doing to me. They have increased my urges to harm myself. Not the suicide ones though for some reason. I could probably handle that if it wasn't for everything else. Now some of you know already but nevermind-they have made me really agressive both pyshically and verbally. I was a big enough bitch before these, but now it's out of hand. And the people that piss me off are getting all of the agression. It's actually scary but I don't know how to change it. I'm hoping that in a week or so once the meds have kicked in it'll cam down. :unsure:

    I've lost so many people in the last two weeks. I'm sat here thinking and I honestly believe I can count my friends on my fingers right now and that is more depressing than anything else :sad: There's some that I'm happy to loose if I'm honest. But the rest-it saddens me. People I thought were true friends. People I loved. People I wanted to spend my life with. All gone. I told someone the other day that I believed this has all happened because my Nan was showing me who my true friends are and who I can trust, and maybe that's true, maybe it's not. But it's so so hard feeling this alone. It's hard even walking in to the chat room right now because a lot of the people I have lost are from here and it's hard seeing them knowing we aren;t friends anymore. And if I'm honest I feel like I'm being ganged up on by some of them. That sounds pathetic :sad:

    Someone told me ages ago they were going to take something from me. Something I love and need. And I never belived they could, but it looks like they have managed it. It looks like they might have won. I can't loose anything else in my life right now. Can't they see that? I know they hate me, but do they really want me dead? Because the way they keep pushing me makes me think they do :sad:

    Ahh fuck it, I'm going back to sleep. I'm real sorry about all that :sad:
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 1, 2008
  2. Cath

    Cath Staff Alumni

    Here if you want to talk :hug:
  3. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    thanks *hug
  4. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

  5. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    when am i going to start feeling better? :sad:
  6. Robin

    Robin Guest

    When you realise you're worth loving :) :hug:
  7. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    if im worth loving why aren't i loved?
  8. Robin

    Robin Guest

    You are, but like most of us here all you see is your self loathing, the soul has no vanity and there is no mirror for the soul, sometimes you just have to go out on a limb and trust the friends that love you most, you'd also be surprised who love you but doesn't show it, people care, life just complicates things :hug:
  9. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    could do with those people showing me :sad: im single and have lost a load of friends recently. is it any wonder i feel unloved :sad:
  10. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Well sometimes we lose less than we feel :) Besides, all you know is :loopy: people :biggrin: crazy things are gonna happen :laugh:
  11. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

  12. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni


    I care :hug:
  13. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni


    guess its easy to care through a pc screen?

    at the end of the day im sat in my mums living room, alone, single, depressed, suicidal. says a lot :sad:
  14. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Well, it takes compassion to care even if it's through the screen and you've met some of those that care through the screen and I hope you realise that the love they showed was real :)
  15. Ignored

    Ignored Staff Alumni

    I know that feeling very well! :hug:
  16. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    thank you hun :hug:

    thanks robin x
  17. me1

    me1 Well-Known Member

    :hug: Sam