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Struggling... Lots

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by notwanting2live, Jun 1, 2009.

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  1. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    heya, I really am sorry that I havent been speaking to others, I havent really been online, just been signing in once or twice, just to see whats goign on, but then I just go off one. I really wanna help people, and get to know people and reach out to others in this forum, but I find it hard to give people advice when I cant follow it myself. Is this stupid or what?
    I responded to a post, abotu someone going to end it, and Ive just read it again, and my post was obnoxious, and selfish, and blunt. Ive been like this the last couple of weeks, i thought soberity and clean time is great, and it still is, however Im finding it hard to be honest about stuff. Im trying to get a re-assessment to remove me from the mental health critea of bi-polar and boderline personality disorder, but I dont know if they are actually right now, just simply because when i 1st went into rehabalitation I thought that it was the drink and drugs, however Im still having the crazy thoughts, and the crazy feelings of suicide and I cant express this, because as i responded to the samme post about being sectioned, and that, Im frightened of being sectioned, and Im frightened of what I know I am capable of, and that now i do have a clear head, like Im not intoxicated, Ive worked out plans on how I can do it and everything. Im struggling to accept that I do have a drink and drugs problem, and although its been 7 months since my last attempt I am struggling like fuck to actually stay clean and sober.
    Its been a really hard month (may) and its been like a year that i was sectioned last time, that i was raped, and that i almost died from an overdose, and i got kicked out of college, and i keep on thinking that i should have done something different just simply because I cant lose the sanity in my life again, because ive gained so much. I just dont understand why I am having these thoughts and feelings, and Im awaiting to be reffered to an abuse counsellor so I can deal with the abuse that Ive suffered for years.
    Do people that I know think Im crazy.. well yes, because although Ive been given the best opportunity since i was born with rehab, I am feeling really shit still. I waiting for that euphoria that I thought recovery would be like, although I have been feeling bits of it, the bad days are getting more and more frequent again and its really annoying me. I just want to curl up in a ball, and NEVER wake again, becuase I know im not worth living, but i feel that I owe people something, for helping me, and that is the only thing that is keeping me strong at the moment. Ive been an emotional wreck for the last two and half weeks, and Im just fed up of crying, I want to take action, but what action do I take I just dont know anymore. Do I live, or do I die?
    Sorry for the long post...
  2. Jack Rabbit

    Jack Rabbit Well-Known Member

    I get it. I sometimes feel that way (blunt, etc.) about my posts. There are some people around here who are very huggy and warm. That's cool, but I realized that help comes in more than one flavor. That's why we have 2 parents. At least when it's working right, there is a mom and a dad. I don't remember where I heard this, but the difference is...
    A two year old is walking along the sidewalk just in front of his mom when he trips and falls. His mom rushes up, picks up the kid, brushes away his tears, kisses him and tells him, "Everything will be all right." And then she carries him.
    A two year old is walking along the sidewalk just in front of her dad when she trips and falls. Her dad rushes up, picks her up, brushes the dirt off the scraped knee, checks to make sure nothing is broken, tells her, "You're OK." And sets her down so she can keep walking.
    Both responses are good, both are necessary. You don't have to be purely one or the other parent to be valuable.
    So sometimes blunt is good, don't worry, somewhere around is a cuddly mom to supply the other things the helpee needs.
    And yeah, stay sober. It may not be enough to help, but it's sure a necessary component.
    (Am I being blunt? :laugh: or :robin: or :cry:)
  3. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    hi. you are in a lot of pain. And i know about responding to others attempts with advice to hold one etc when you can't even feel it yourself!. I do it ALL the time!!! So, there are two of us? I'm afraid the only advice I can give you is... can you leave it off 'til tomorrow?
    May was the hardest month in my life. June's not lookin' much better but what about we make a pack to see July? I dunno. I feel angry that you and I and thousands others need to feel like this.
    But thousands of us do, it's an affliction we have to learn to live with, maybe...
    I wish you peace.....
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry you are feeling so low...it is ill advised to give away what you do not have, therefore, giving advise does not sound appropriate...that does not stop you from giving support and caring...we can all do that...if you feel you are decompensating, please seek help...too often we feel we can do it ourselves and get help long after we have suffered...you deserve to feel good and I hope you seek assistance so that you can feel that way...big hugs, J
  5. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    thanks guys for the responses. I have shared with some people that I live with that I have had suicidal thoughts, but havent acted on them, and the support has been great, however I have now been recommended to speak to someone who is a counsellor at the rehab, to see if i need mental help.. Things have just got worse since this afternoon... (its 1 0 clock am now where i am) Ive had a massive argument with my father, and for the people who dont know, my dad has just got in remission with cancer, and he is trying to tell people that he doesnt need my mums help, and telling my mum to fuck off and everything. This really upsets me as My mother and I have been building our relationship up. Its all very confusing, and I am struggling to keep my calm. I did say a few things that I shouldnt have, but I have, and it is only the truth. He is an alcoholic but doesnt drink, hasnt for 9 yrs, however he is mad off the vali's, and at the moment morphine. Im just so lost, about what to do about him, about what to do with my thoughts and feelings. Basically i just feel lost whatever I do. Feeling bit better though. Ive also done a gratitude list, before I go to sleep just to make me realise that I am actaully ok, and that I do have something to live for, just for today, although the thoughts of suicide are still there. I contradict myself all the time, simply because I dont know what to do. I love this life, but I dont like the feelings I am left with. Anyways thanks guys, and thank you to the forum as it has helped me incredibly, just knowing I am not the only one.
  6. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    im so confused tonight. alot of stuff has been going on. i have some serious health issues which i am waiting a hospital appointment, yet i have been waiting for 2 months, and its starting to get worse, and it aint the best place to have the problem.
    my brother is supposed to be getting married next year and all the family are wanting to go, and they want me to go. why should i go to a rapist's wedding. especially when no one believes me when i have told my mum and she is refusing to protect me.. am i right to resent her for the fact that all my life she has failed to protect me from violence from my dad and sexual abuse from a dickhead of a brother? i dont know and im very confused about what to do. One of my mates from the rehab has relapsed and im gutted about it, because she is a good friend, however i cannot hang around pissed people, as for once i dont actually wanna drink... im so confused on where life is taking me, and whether in the end it is all worth it. i mean, thers bad news all the time, death, illnesses, abuse, theft, more deft, more abuse, dissappoitment, torture, illness and then my death (which i wish would hurry up and be at the top of the list) but sometimes life seems so pointless. i dno what to do anymore.
  7. Sounds like you DO need to spend more time with a counsellor. We, on a forum can only provide so much encouragement (unless you're someone like me who pretty much lives on the internet and considers people on forums as their closest friends).

    But what you're going through sounds terrible. I would just simply cut short any ties to a family who is ok with the idea of what took place. It doesn't sound right.

    I think overall you sound like a normal person. Like some, you've experienced terrible things. I have not experienced these things and cannot comprehend how it feels, I can only imagine. But if you wish to listen to us on a forum regarding advice, then please understand that we all only wish the best for you, and deep inside you too wish only the best for yourself.
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