lately even getting out of bed feels like a chore to me. i am tired of dealing with abuse memories and anxiety. i want to die, but at the same time, i already feel like im dead. like perhaps i died after my first suicide attempt and this is just the afterlife (and it really, really sucks). everything thats happening just moves by so slowly and it doesnt feel real. i guess its a way for me to cope with all the stuff going on but its distressing too. i keep feeling like i will feel better if i go back to my abuser which i know is not true and i keep trying to tell myself that, but sometimes i remember how numbed out things were when i was with him because of how in denial i was. it was better than knowing what was going on and having to face it. this is a horrible thought and i wish i wasnt having it. on top of all this, my ehlers-danlos syndrome is getting worse and worse and ive been in the ER twice this week because of it. im in so so much pain. its unbearable. i dont have any plans to harm myself, but im passively suicidal. i would like to die, but i dont have the energy to actually hurt myself. thats better than having a plan, though. any support would be greatly appreciated.