struggling so much

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by undercoverlover, Feb 19, 2016.

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  1. undercoverlover

    undercoverlover Well-Known Member

    lately even getting out of bed feels like a chore to me. i am tired of dealing with abuse memories and anxiety. i want to die, but at the same time, i already feel like im dead. like perhaps i died after my first suicide attempt and this is just the afterlife (and it really, really sucks). everything thats happening just moves by so slowly and it doesnt feel real. i guess its a way for me to cope with all the stuff going on but its distressing too. i keep feeling like i will feel better if i go back to my abuser which i know is not true and i keep trying to tell myself that, but sometimes i remember how numbed out things were when i was with him because of how in denial i was. it was better than knowing what was going on and having to face it. this is a horrible thought and i wish i wasnt having it.
    on top of all this, my ehlers-danlos syndrome is getting worse and worse and ive been in the ER twice this week because of it. im in so so much pain. its unbearable.
    i dont have any plans to harm myself, but im passively suicidal. i would like to die, but i dont have the energy to actually hurt myself. thats better than having a plan, though.
    any support would be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi undercover, sorry to hear you are doing so poorly. Please don't go back to your abuser. I am glad to read that you realize that would not be a good thing to do. I can't even imagine what it would be like living with an abusive partner. They do have a lot of meds that help with anxiety. Of course meds don't do much with the bad memories. Counseling can help with that. I do not know what ehlers-danlos is. But anything that send you to the ER that often sucks. Can't they do anything for the pain. I am glad you don't have any plans to harm yourself. That usually only makes things worse. Please take care of yourself. Give things a chance to get better. HUGS!
     
    Persephone2 likes this.
  3. undercoverlover

    undercoverlover Well-Known Member

    thank you <3 i have been trying to get medication but my doctor wont prescribe anything. i am seeing a new psychiatrist next friday though, and my therapist thursday. as for the pain, the ER doc prescribed a tylenol+codeine pill but unfortunately the side effects of the narcotics make certain symptoms of my EDS worse so im mostly just relying on ibuprofen right now, which doesnt do much.
     
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    * hugs *

    Sorry to hear you have to go through this.
    First of all please don't go back to your abuser. I really understand how you feel they can relieve your anxiety... but that's so far from the truth. Please stay safe hun!

    It's good to hear you're seeing a new psychiatrist, perhaps they can come with a new view. Perhaps you need new meds or different kinds of therapy...

    About your pain. I'm so sorry. I tried to Google that and it doesn't sound fun at all.
    I suffer from chronic pains myself and it has taken a while to get the dosis and meds right. I doubt I'll ever get some that will truly help... However I kept going back to my doctor and told them the meds didn't work. You should try that.
    For me Tramadol retard. Helps me most because they alter how your brain feels the pain.

    Take care of yourself hun. You're worth it!
     
    Persephone2 likes this.
  5. undercoverlover

    undercoverlover Well-Known Member

    thank you so much <3 i had a rough night but i managed to stay safe. thankfully its a little less than a week until i see my therapist, just holding on until then
     
  6. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Stay strong hun, I believe in you!
     
    undercoverlover likes this.
  7. sahel

    sahel SF Supporter

    Give yourself credit for your success:), Great job with holding on, you are almost there:)
     
    undercoverlover likes this.
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