struggling to hold on.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by warrabinda, Mar 19, 2011.

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  1. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    tomorrow is the big day. I'm going to confess to it all.
    i know it's not tasteful, but i've been on those faces of suicide websites and the memorials. i simultaenously (sp!) want to reach through the screen and hug these people and say please don't go, you don't need to, but now i want to join them. i want to be with my grandma.
    i don't want to leave here, but i might not have a choice after tomorrow. i'm terrified. if my prediction becomes true, i will lose everything. and not in a nice, letting go of possessions, quasi spiritual way. i will lose everything. I will never be able to recover. my family will be shamed either way.
    all along i've been terrified of pain. i've never been able to understand how people can chose methods so painful, but now i finally understand when you're desperate anything goes. i truly understand now. I'm desperate.
    I'm so scared though.
    i don't particularly mind leaving this society, actually. i hate it here. i don't hate the people; i'm not antisocial in that sense. I'm not a victim. if i could stick around i was going to continue dedicating my life to making things better for others. but with a giant black mark, it's so much harder.
    i don't want to leave my parents and my dog - i love them. friends will be fine, i'm not being callous, but i've alienated myself anyway.
    i just want to get it over and done with.
    I'm so sorry for all this. i have no one else to turn to and i'm so scared.
  2. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    What's going to happen that will make you lose everything?

    Have you got any support where you are?

  3. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    something i did years ago. no one was killed, it was just immoral and dishonest. i was in a crisis, but that doesn't excuse it. i'm disgusted by myself. so now i'm going to do the right thing and find out if i should be punished. the problem is that if i will be punished, life after won't be worth living.
    my dog just walked in my room and now i'm a mess. i love her so much. i've had her for close to three years and i've never appreciaited her, and now i finally do, truly love her and i might have to leave now.
    i have support, yes, but they can't stop me wanting to die or anything if i'm determined. i don't want to die, but i feel like given the choices i'll be offered, it's preferable. there will be no point to living. i'll lose everything, my family, the few friends i have, i'll be shunned here. and i deserve it. i want to punish myself.
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    things might not turn out as badly as you think that they will. maybe you could let family, people around you know that you are feeling suicidal.

    whatever bad thing you did, I think there are good things that you could do that would out weigh the bad

    you don't know what the future holds, why not stay and see it for yourself? the day may come when you look back on this moment and are very glad that you did not kill yourself.
  5. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    my psychologist is coming with me - she's the only person who knows what i'm going to do. it's funny i've felt almost brave facing up to it -until now.
    i don't know how i'll handle the fall out. i don't know how my parents will cope. that's what worries me. i don't give a shit about myself personally, it's my parents.
    i just want to write in here a thank you to everyone, you've pulled me back from it so many times before. now i have a genuine reason and may not be back. i enver thought i'd be writing a thank you on a suicide forum, but my life is testement to how wrong plans can go:yay:
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You need to look after you okay and i am glad you have a therapist to help you
    Your mistake was so long ago you are a different person now so please don't be so hard on you okay. Keep posting let us know how you are doing hugs to you:hugtackles::hugtackles::hugtackles:
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