tomorrow is the big day. I'm going to confess to it all. i know it's not tasteful, but i've been on those faces of suicide websites and the memorials. i simultaenously (sp!) want to reach through the screen and hug these people and say please don't go, you don't need to, but now i want to join them. i want to be with my grandma. i don't want to leave here, but i might not have a choice after tomorrow. i'm terrified. if my prediction becomes true, i will lose everything. and not in a nice, letting go of possessions, quasi spiritual way. i will lose everything. I will never be able to recover. my family will be shamed either way. all along i've been terrified of pain. i've never been able to understand how people can chose methods so painful, but now i finally understand when you're desperate anything goes. i truly understand now. I'm desperate. I'm so scared though. i don't particularly mind leaving this society, actually. i hate it here. i don't hate the people; i'm not antisocial in that sense. I'm not a victim. if i could stick around i was going to continue dedicating my life to making things better for others. but with a giant black mark, it's so much harder. i don't want to leave my parents and my dog - i love them. friends will be fine, i'm not being callous, but i've alienated myself anyway. i just want to get it over and done with. I'm so sorry for all this. i have no one else to turn to and i'm so scared.