struggling to hold on

[TheQuietOnexx]

i know i am new to SF and i should be looking around and helping others. but i am really struggling and don't know what to do. i'll understand if no one reads or replies thats okay, it's just this is my last resort.

i am suicidal, very suicidal. i have been in and out of IP for the past 2 years pretty much constantly, either i get put in because i'm going to make an attempt on my life or i already have.

i see a psychologist and a psychiatrist. my psychologist who i get on with best is currently on leave for 4 weeks so i have no contact with her. a temp psychologist is meant to call me today but no luck yet. i have an appointment with my psychiatrist today, in about 3 hours.

my last admission was last week, i got discharged friday when i told them what they wanted to hear, that i was okay, when i wasn't really. i am now regretting telling them that i was okay, because i don't feel like i am. although there is part of me that is telling myself that really it's all just for attention (as this is what i have always been told by mum and was told over the weekend when i called the after hours crisis line).

i sort of feel like i should tell either the psychologist when he calls of my psychiatrist when i see her. but i think they might just put me back in hospital which i don't want because i feel stupid having just left hospital friday and todays only monday. i feel like they will laugh at me if i go back in like they will thinking i'm doing it for attention. also i feel like if i managed to get through the weekend then i don't deserve the help because i am coping on my own. i feel like the only way i would feel okay about going back in is if i made another attempt and it failed.

i barely feel able to speak, so i don't feel i have any chance of telling either psych how i feel or whats going on because it's all so muddled up in my head and not making any sense.

the only bit that is making sense is that i know i want to end it all. and i think thats what i am going to do.

i am not even sure what i was hoping to get from this post.. i just don't feel like i have anywhere left to turn....

 

[Terry]

Tell your psychiatrist and if you are worried about not being able to speak then print what you've written here and give that to her/him.
As to feeling foolish, or attention seeking, if readmitted, no one is going to think any the worse of you for doing what's right for you and getting yourself somewhere safe. :hug:

Oh yeah and :welcome:

 

[total eclipse]

Hi welcome to SF you need to tell your pdoc to readmitt you okay they will not think less of you the will think highly of you for doing what was necessary to keep you safe hugs to you

 

[dazzle11215]

sounds like u came home too soon. same thing happened to me last time i was in patient. go ahead and tell your psych. it will be okay. take care of you.

 

[TheQuietOnexx]

I'm in hospital again. Things are worse than ever.

They all think it's for attention. They are ignoring me.

I'm scared. They are following me. I am not okay. They are going to hurt me.

They won't shut up. Usually they stop but the havent. I need them to leave me alone.

Nurse made me shower and dress cuz it had been days. Took ages. Lying on my bed still not finished getting dressed. No energy. They keep yelling at me.

More meds they say. Anti depressants. Anti psychotics. Sleepers. PRN. Can't take them though they make me fatter.

Was going so well had been days then I ate I screwed it up.

They won't leave me alone. It's over they win.

 

[total eclipse]

there are meds that do not put on weight I hope you feel better soon hun don't listen to them okay the ones that say it is all for attention they are not the ones suffering you are. they are professional either to say that and i would get their names and report them to your doctor hugs to you

 

[TheQuietOnexx]

I told my dr. It's all of them that's what they all think.

They just want me to go away and stop annoying them. They hate me.

 

[total eclipse]

Well too bad okay it is there job to look after you to get you stable too bad for them that is their problem You stay and you heal and you do NOT leave okay until you feel stable enough to go. You are safe there okay soon your meds will kick in and you will feel more at peace hugs.

 

[TheQuietOnexx]

I asked for support out of the hospital/clinic. They lady from the helpline who helped me the other day. I shouldn't have. Just a waste for her time. I'm in hospital I don't deserve to ask for even more help. Had to hang up on her cuz a nurse came. Couldn't call back was too anxious, almost threw up it was so bad.

He wants to medicate me more, every 4 hours plus night meds. Said it will get worse before it gets better. I can't cope with it getting worse. Asked to be discharged and he fed me meds. I'm going to keep asking until they let me go.

Just had lunch hardly ate anything but I feel so sick, thinking about purging but I really hate doing it because I'd been going well without doing it. They are angry at me eaten way too much today just making myself fatter they keep saying.

I'm going to get discharged, leave here not telling anyone I'm out then go and end it. That was their idea not mine, so they won't yell at me they'll be happy about it.

Wednesday, they haven't stopped talking since Wednesday. Today is Sunday. I can't handle them getting worse I need it to stop now I can't do this any longer

 

[WildCherry]

You do deserve help though. Is there anything that you think would help you? You said they keep talking, but have they stopped to listen to what you have to say?

 

[TheQuietOnexx]

I don't think anything will help.

Um not sure if
I've explained wrong.. The nurses won't listen and are ignoring me because they think I'm attention seeking. But it's the voices that won't shut up. And they never listen. They just tell me what to do and what they think.

 

[WildCherry]

Yeah, after I replied, I realized that you might have meant it was voices that weren't listening.

Have there been any meds that make the voices go away?

I'm really sorry the nurses are ignoring you and acting as if you're attention-seeking. That's not fair to you at all.

 

[TheQuietOnexx]

Um no nothing has helped and they have never been this bad before.

 

[peacelovingguy]

If you have auditory hallucinations (hearing voices) then meds usually do work.

Have you been diagnosed with schizophrenia?

 

[TheQuietOnexx]

I've tried meds before. They haven't helped. Even just took one that's meant to work instantly but it hasn't helped they are worse.

I have psychotic depression.

 

[clairedelune]

Don't worry. I think they're doing everything to get you better. Remember that being suicidal is never to seek attention. It isn't like that most of the time. Something is just really wrong, that's why people tend to think that way. I know you'll get over this soon. xoxo

 

[total eclipse]

You stay put okay you stay there and let the doctor try everything in his power to get you well You stay hun give yourself that chance to heal when it all gets too much you go to your bed close your eyes and just think of somewhere or something that made you happy and you keep thinking of that happy time. I am putting my faith in you to stay put until you are stable you can do this okay let them help you You deserve the care okay you need to be there. hugs