It is so hard for me not to go in to a shop and buy lots of pills. I really have to try hard and make sure I don't buy them. I actually get the shakes when I am in a pharmacy or in a place that sells them. I know that if I do buy them all will happen is I will end up taking them one night. My doc will only give me half my sertraline at a time as I have taken 3 overdoses now so is safer for me to only have 14 at a time to stop any spARE of the moment decisions. The last big overdose I took I actually brought the pills and when I didnt think it was enough I went out and brought more from the shop. I know that the amount I took wasn't enough and all it did was left me throwing up in hospital all night (I have a massive phobia of being sick - and one I start I don't stop). So I consider buying a few packs from one shop and then another as there is a limit on how many you can buy. I need to do it in a place where I would be able to get them all in one day as what would happen is I would take what I had and nothing would work. I have cut lots but never seems to work. I tried the other night as I didn't have any pills in the house so I considered drinking bleach but passed out through alcohol and the blood and the the ambulance people and police arrived. No one other than my doc knows the true extent of things and then he doesn;t really. I am scarde of being admitted to hospital as of the stigma that goes with it and my family and friends would be different with me and constantly watching over me which I could not stand. I went to the doc today and he just said to keep going with the pills and seeing the counsellor. I am past the stage of crying now and just feel numb. I didn;t tell my doctor that I constantly think about ending everything as of the reprocussions that may follow - like winding up in hospital. Although I feel like I do I still care about what other people think about me. Infact I probably care 2 much bout it. One of the counsellors I have seen said I try to please everyone too much and I am scarde of upsetting anyone which in a way is true. I really wanna cut now, and if i had pills in they'd have been long gone. My boyfriend is coming over in a bit and I feel so bad that he has to be around me when i am like this. i called him earlier said was having a bad day and if didn't want to come over I'd understand. He doesn't know about the cutting either, so gonna have to exlain all that to him when he gets here as wont be able to hide it from him as he will guess with the way I am. He is worried about me and I feel bad about it, especially as no one else knows what has gone on. Only he and 2 of my friends know about the overdose and then they think it was only the 1x in September. No one knows about the one that happened just over a month ago. I asked my doc if he would refer me to a psychiatrist or psychologist but he is reluctant to. Think it is all about costs. In the past year I have been to hospital 4 times through overdose, about 6 times through cutting and then when I have drank too much and passed out while out 3-4 times. I have said that I drink as I feel crap and I have now asked for the help but am not getting it. To me it seems there is no longer any point!!!!