Struggling, Unhealthy coping strategy.

[Maggoo]

Sorry for the essay guys.

I have had issues with depression and anxiety pretty much all my life, I have been on medication since I was 14.

Things were bareable until about 3 years ago when I started suffering pain and feeling unwell. Things then started to snowball, I lost both my grandparents and became more and more depressed.

I suffer with chronic pain, I am in pain all day every day. Pain killers give no relief and the doctors don't really seem to care. My Mental health took a nose dive. It's been a crazy journey, some things have improved but for bad reasons.

My anxiety peaked at not being able to leave the house or drive. I was diagnosed with agoraphobia, panic disorder, GAD and Major Depressive Disorder. I didn't leave the house for near enough a year other than for appointments. I stopped talking to friends and isolated myself completely.

I have supportive parents but they don't have any problems mentaly and find it really hard to relate, even though the try.

I would cry all the time and it got to a point my parents would be crying with me. It was killing them not being able to help me and to see me in pain. I lost my head one day and had to leave. I came home about 6am and they were still up waiting for me, saying how they were worried I had done something stupid so from then I have stopped telling them what the doctors are saying. And trying to hide as best I can how I am feeling to stop them worrying.

Just before Christmas my father had a heart attack, and the only reason I am still holding on is to not hurt my family but I lost my mind. I have made detailed plans on how I would kill myself, I have researched and planned, even looked into going to Belgium for assisted suicide, but I got into a state that all of that went out of the window and I wasn't thinking logically anymore. I wasn't thinking about collateral or avoiding any of the things I had previously thought about. I attempted in a way that thinking logically I wouldn't have and it was by pure fluke and not thinking clearly that it didn't work out.

I was angry at myself that I had done that, that I would have let my brother find me. A friend commited suicide a few years ago and I saw the damage he left behind by letting his family member find him. I hurt myself and it felt good, It helped level me out and it's a good distraction, but it's now one more thing I stressfully have to hide from my parents and the doctors. I think if they ever found out it would push me over the edge.

Suicide for me is a logical decision, the only thing keeping me here is obligations to the people who love me but I am getting periods when I don't think logically, it's like I only look at what I have done after I have already done it. I have ended up on a motorway bridge and only snapped out of it when someone stopped and asked me if I was ok, I was mortified. I would never do anything that would risk hurting anyone else.

My thoughts race, I can't let myself sleep. I feel like i'm losing my mind sometimes. I have had CBT and DBT and Counseling and I pay to see a psychiatrist privately but I cannot be honest with them. I haven't ever admitted feeling suicidal, or self harm. I am ashamed of myself and worried about being locked up.

I have tried so many meds and had so many bad side effects that my anxiety is now stopping me taking my pills.

I don't know how long I can deal with this I feel like I'm losing control. I think about dying all day every day and then worry about dying in a vicious circle. My head tells me I should just do it right and get it over with so I know it's done right. If i get it over with I don't have to go through the same vicious cycle every day. I cannot keep myself distracted enough all the time.

The one plus is - I wasn't driving because of all the what if's and driving or riding my motorbike was always my release. I have started driving my car again and am able to visit 1 friend but still struggle sometimes and leave after only a few minutes. When I feel myself loosing it I will go for a drive or go somewhere. Or if my mood is so low I have to hide from my family. I have to distract myself because I can't trust myself anymore.

I can't be honest because I am already ashamed of myself. I am the only person with mental issues in my family and they're struggling. I don't know how to deal with things my head is in such a mess. I know I am not helping myself but my pain cannot be solved anyway so I also don't see the point. Sorry if this is a bit all over the place it's hard for me to keep my thoughts straight.

 

[Karmitkurmit]

Hi Maggoo.

I'm sorry things have gotten so bad for you. I've seen you in chat a few times now and I have to say that it's quite inspiring to see someone have such an uplifting and supportive attitude despite what they have to face themselves. I know that doesn't really help your situation but I think you're a fantastic addition to the SF family. I hope in return you're receiving the support available here and at least are able to find some relief or solace by making friends amongst this community.

I'm at work at the moment so sadly I can't stop too long, but I just wanted to let you know that I've read your very well written post here and whilst I can't understand all of your issues I do empathise with the feelings of perhaps guilt and not wanting to hurt others and so self isolating as a perceived solution to protect them. One thing I would recommend is choosing which therapist you feel most comfortable with and talking to them openly. I know it's hard but the consequences of not doing so far out way any issues you may believe will occur as a result. When I started seeing my private psychotherapist I had difficulty trusting her but after simply asking what rules and regulations she was bound by I finally opened up about a lot more than I have here and it helped immensely!

SF is an amazing group of supportive and compassionate people as you know and can really help in recovery, as I've found out, but professional help is always recommended along side peer support. Remember, you don't have to open up about everything to them straight away; ask some questions and see how you feel. Particularly with private counselling, you are in control and they need to know truths if they are going to be able to help you. Take your time and don't overthink too much, but I would definitely suggest you at least consider letting them know what's going on.

I have to go but I'll be around most of the day off and on, and as you've already seen they'll be plenty of people here to support you.

Stay safe my friend, lean on us when you need to, but always bare in mind that the pros are just that for a reason. I was fearful of what might be said or done, but I can assure you that my money has been far better spent since allowing my psychotherapist in.

{{Hedgehugs}}

 

[Maggoo]

Thanks Karmit, I appreciate your time and kind words. I find it a wierd experience giving advice I cannot follow myself.

I definitely know I need to be honest with the professionals but just feel stuck trying to hide the situation from my family and trying to keep my mind straight. I am terrified of being locked away and everyone finding out.

I don’t think the therapy I have had so far is all that good so I may have a look around and see if I can find someone new. Even if I manage to get on top of my mind going crazy I will still be in pain, I have gotten really good at the everything’s OK act but I just feel so tired and hopeless.

 

[Karmitkurmit]

Thanks Karmit, I appreciate your time and kind words. I find it a wierd experience giving advice I cannot follow myself.

I definitely know I need to be honest with the professionals but just feel stuck trying to hide the situation from my family and trying to keep my mind straight. I am terrified of being locked away and everyone finding out.

I don’t think the therapy I have had so far is all that good so I may have a look around and see if I can find someone new. Even if I manage to get on top of my mind going crazy I will still be in pain, I have gotten really good at the everything’s OK act but I just feel so tired and hopeless.

I certainly know the fear of people finding out. Unfortunately, despite what we'd like to open up about, there is still a taboo around mental health issues in certain circumstances; one of my primary concerns is with my employment. It's extremely infuriating when people say that all companies take a much more proactive approach to the mental health of their staff, which in many cases is true, but in my line of work and situation it benefits me to keep everything low key. This is why I find private counselling so important as it gives me a safe environment to talk openly and not let it affect my regular life adversely. I also keep it from my family as best I can, whether this is right or wrong is debatable, but what has been suggested to me in the past and may help you was the idea of some type of family mediation or counselling; the idea being to talk to your family or at least one trusted member but with the added benefit of a professional to perhaps explain what is said more clearly so that there is a reduction in confusion and misinterpretation. I haven't tried it yet but it might be worth considering for you as it may allow you to at least relieve some of the psychological pressure.

I wish I could help more, sadly the pain aspect is something that the Doctors need to be looking into and I know this isn't always easy and tends to be a case of trial and error where medication is concerned, but perhaps by alleviating some of the mental torture you're experiencing then you may be able to focus your energy better on finding ways to control or reduce the pain.

I'm happy to recommend my psychotherapist if she happens to be anywhere near you so feel free to PM me if it helps, she is amazing. I truly hope you can find the strength to carry on and start to work through some of the issues you are facing, if only to allow at least some respite. We all relate to the phenomenon of giving advice which we ourselves don't follow, but my experience here at SF has taught me that given time it does start to sink in, particularly when you begin to talk regularly with certain people that can relate to your struggles. Try not to frustrate yourself too much, work along side us and the pros and just take it one day at a time.

Stay strong, don't give up hope; try and rest as well as you can, when you can, and keep talking it out. {{Hedgehugs}}

 

[Muzzy]

I have had issues with depression and anxiety pretty much all my life

I feel deeply for you. I can't really offer any suggestions that @Karmitkurmit has already shared. There are many therapists and practitioners out there and just like any other profession or job there are good ones and bad ones. I hope you find one that is compassionate, skilled and effective for you.

I suffer with chronic pain, I am in pain all day every day. Pain killers give no relief and the doctors don't really seem to care

Have you seen a neurologist or a physician who specializes in pain control? If you're only seeing a G.P. or other doctor without the proper training and experience, although they may be doing their best it may just not be good enough. And if they don't really seem to care it may even be showing their incompetence because a specialist who is professional is going to care. Pain control is a very complex issue. It's not just "Okay let's just give some medications and see what happens". There are different pain receptors to block, emotional issues to contend with (e.g. I'm sure that you know that anxiety can exacerbate pain) and just a multitude of other conditions and issues to acknowledge when treating pain. A specialist in pain control would have the knowledge and experience to put together a plan for you that takes everything into account. With all the advances in medicine I just don't believe that your pain can't be control with the proper treatment.

I hope everything works out for you. Remember there are people here that care. Feel free to contact me if you wish.

 

[The End]

Sorry for the essay guys.

I have had issues with depression and anxiety pretty much all my life, I have been on medication since I was 14.

Things were bareable until about 3 years ago when I started suffering pain and feeling unwell. Things then started to snowball, I lost both my grandparents and became more and more depressed.

I suffer with chronic pain, I am in pain all day every day. Pain killers give no relief and the doctors don't really seem to care. My Mental health took a nose dive. It's been a crazy journey, some things have improved but for bad reasons.

My anxiety peaked at not being able to leave the house or drive. I was diagnosed with agoraphobia, panic disorder, GAD and Major Depressive Disorder. I didn't leave the house for near enough a year other than for appointments. I stopped talking to friends and isolated myself completely.

I have supportive parents but they don't have any problems mentaly and find it really hard to relate, even though the try.

I would cry all the time and it got to a point my parents would be crying with me. It was killing them not being able to help me and to see me in pain. I lost my head one day and had to leave. I came home about 6am and they were still up waiting for me, saying how they were worried I had done something stupid so from then I have stopped telling them what the doctors are saying. And trying to hide as best I can how I am feeling to stop them worrying.

Just before Christmas my father had a heart attack, and the only reason I am still holding on is to not hurt my family but I lost my mind. I have made detailed plans on how I would kill myself, I have researched and planned, even looked into going to Belgium for assisted suicide, but I got into a state that all of that went out of the window and I wasn't thinking logically anymore. I wasn't thinking about collateral or avoiding any of the things I had previously thought about. I attempted in a way that thinking logically I wouldn't have and it was by pure fluke and not thinking clearly that it didn't work out.

I was angry at myself that I had done that, that I would have let my brother find me. A friend commited suicide a few years ago and I saw the damage he left behind by letting his family member find him. I hurt myself and it felt good, It helped level me out and it's a good distraction, but it's now one more thing I stressfully have to hide from my parents and the doctors. I think if they ever found out it would push me over the edge.

Suicide for me is a logical decision, the only thing keeping me here is obligations to the people who love me but I am getting periods when I don't think logically, it's like I only look at what I have done after I have already done it. I have ended up on a motorway bridge and only snapped out of it when someone stopped and asked me if I was ok, I was mortified. I would never do anything that would risk hurting anyone else.

My thoughts race, I can't let myself sleep. I feel like i'm losing my mind sometimes. I have had CBT and DBT and Counseling and I pay to see a psychiatrist privately but I cannot be honest with them. I haven't ever admitted feeling suicidal, or self harm. I am ashamed of myself and worried about being locked up.

I have tried so many meds and had so many bad side effects that my anxiety is now stopping me taking my pills.

I don't know how long I can deal with this I feel like I'm losing control. I think about dying all day every day and then worry about dying in a vicious circle. My head tells me I should just do it right and get it over with so I know it's done right. If i get it over with I don't have to go through the same vicious cycle every day. I cannot keep myself distracted enough all the time.

The one plus is - I wasn't driving because of all the what if's and driving or riding my motorbike was always my release. I have started driving my car again and am able to visit 1 friend but still struggle sometimes and leave after only a few minutes. When I feel myself loosing it I will go for a drive or go somewhere. Or if my mood is so low I have to hide from my family. I have to distract myself because I can't trust myself anymore.

I can't be honest because I am already ashamed of myself. I am the only person with mental issues in my family and they're struggling. I don't know how to deal with things my head is in such a mess. I know I am not helping myself but my pain cannot be solved anyway so I also don't see the point. Sorry if this is a bit all over the place it's hard for me to keep my thoughts straight.

Is there any one that you know or could even find that is in a really bad place mentally? Could you contact him/her to just say the words “ I care about you. I plan on contacting you tomorrow.”? Then think about finding one kind thing to say to that person, tomorrow. Even if it’s “today it’s daylight,” just to keep contact with someone who might slightly understand how you’re feeling right now.

 

[cclun]

Sorry for the pain. I think it is very courageous of you to share your struggle here and it is also very very considerate of you to think about others and how you do not want to hurt them. In a way I wish I personally know a friend like you. I believe you are right when you said you are afraid to open up and tell everyone your struggle, but in reality, opening up and telling others (including your psychologist) everything will help to bring about true healing. Besides your parents, do you have any other good friends that you can talk to face to face and be completely honest with? Unless your loved ones know, they cannot help you. I have learned that it is very important to open up. You sound like such a kind and sweet person, and it hurts to see you struggling so much.

Sorry for the essay guys.

I have had issues with depression and anxiety pretty much all my life, I have been on medication since I was 14.

Things were bareable until about 3 years ago when I started suffering pain and feeling unwell. Things then started to snowball, I lost both my grandparents and became more and more depressed.

I suffer with chronic pain, I am in pain all day every day. Pain killers give no relief and the doctors don't really seem to care. My Mental health took a nose dive. It's been a crazy journey, some things have improved but for bad reasons.

My anxiety peaked at not being able to leave the house or drive. I was diagnosed with agoraphobia, panic disorder, GAD and Major Depressive Disorder. I didn't leave the house for near enough a year other than for appointments. I stopped talking to friends and isolated myself completely.

I have supportive parents but they don't have any problems mentaly and find it really hard to relate, even though the try.

I would cry all the time and it got to a point my parents would be crying with me. It was killing them not being able to help me and to see me in pain. I lost my head one day and had to leave. I came home about 6am and they were still up waiting for me, saying how they were worried I had done something stupid so from then I have stopped telling them what the doctors are saying. And trying to hide as best I can how I am feeling to stop them worrying.

Just before Christmas my father had a heart attack, and the only reason I am still holding on is to not hurt my family but I lost my mind. I have made detailed plans on how I would kill myself, I have researched and planned, even looked into going to Belgium for assisted suicide, but I got into a state that all of that went out of the window and I wasn't thinking logically anymore. I wasn't thinking about collateral or avoiding any of the things I had previously thought about. I attempted in a way that thinking logically I wouldn't have and it was by pure fluke and not thinking clearly that it didn't work out.

I was angry at myself that I had done that, that I would have let my brother find me. A friend commited suicide a few years ago and I saw the damage he left behind by letting his family member find him. I hurt myself and it felt good, It helped level me out and it's a good distraction, but it's now one more thing I stressfully have to hide from my parents and the doctors. I think if they ever found out it would push me over the edge.

Suicide for me is a logical decision, the only thing keeping me here is obligations to the people who love me but I am getting periods when I don't think logically, it's like I only look at what I have done after I have already done it. I have ended up on a motorway bridge and only snapped out of it when someone stopped and asked me if I was ok, I was mortified. I would never do anything that would risk hurting anyone else.

My thoughts race, I can't let myself sleep. I feel like i'm losing my mind sometimes. I have had CBT and DBT and Counseling and I pay to see a psychiatrist privately but I cannot be honest with them. I haven't ever admitted feeling suicidal, or self harm. I am ashamed of myself and worried about being locked up.

I have tried so many meds and had so many bad side effects that my anxiety is now stopping me taking my pills.

I don't know how long I can deal with this I feel like I'm losing control. I think about dying all day every day and then worry about dying in a vicious circle. My head tells me I should just do it right and get it over with so I know it's done right. If i get it over with I don't have to go through the same vicious cycle every day. I cannot keep myself distracted enough all the time.

The one plus is - I wasn't driving because of all the what if's and driving or riding my motorbike was always my release. I have started driving my car again and am able to visit 1 friend but still struggle sometimes and leave after only a few minutes. When I feel myself loosing it I will go for a drive or go somewhere. Or if my mood is so low I have to hide from my family. I have to distract myself because I can't trust myself anymore.

I can't be honest because I am already ashamed of myself. I am the only person with mental issues in my family and they're struggling. I don't know how to deal with things my head is in such a mess. I know I am not helping myself but my pain cannot be solved anyway so I also don't see the point. Sorry if this is a bit all over the place it's hard for me to keep my thoughts straight.

 

[Maggoo]

I certainly know the fear of people finding out. Unfortunately, despite what we'd like to open up about, there is still a taboo around mental health issues in certain circumstances; one of my primary concerns is with my employment.

I definately worry about how I get treated, I was young when I first had problems and it was kind of like a hidden family secret, things have changed now that there is more awareness but it still feels that way for me. I hide more from my parents now as they needed support themselves and would reach out to other family (lots of medical professionals) and I would feel like my trust was violated, but I understand they needed support too. I think it's mostly my issue now, the more awareness the more I feel like I need to hide it for some reason. I am very anxious and have a lot of wierd quirks already, I want less attention not more so I would prefer to hide it away.

I'm happy to recommend my psychotherapist if she happens to be anywhere near you so feel free to PM me if it helps, she is amazing.

I may take you up on that. NHS services are not very helpful at all and the waiting lists are huge. The only way I got any help was by going private.

I feel deeply for you. I can't really offer any suggestions that @Karmitkurmit has already shared. There are many therapists and practitioners out there and just like any other profession or job there are good ones and bad ones. I hope you find one that is compassionate, skilled and effective for you.

Thank you Muzzy, I appreciate your kindness.

Have you seen a neurologist or a physician who specializes in pain control? If you're only seeing a G.P. or other doctor without the proper training and experience, although they may be doing their best it may just not be good enough.

I was seeing a private neurologist and got a diagnosis, I was tried on lots of medication, all of which didn't really help. I've also had nerve blocks done which didn't help also. I am on high flow oxygen therapy which does relieve my pain at times but it's still hard to deal with. I can't remember what it is like to feel normal.

I have seen NHS neurologists that state my condition is not helped by pain killers but actually made worse, because of my age and being female they are very reluctant to try certain things as it can damage my body, which is the least of my worries right now.

I am stuck in a circle of the neurologist saying the pain is being compounded by the mental issues, and the psychiatrist saying that the mental health treatments are being affected by the pain issues.

The private Neuro and Psych communicating with the NHS side of things seems to be a mess. The doctors are fed up of seeing me, they can't really do much more their end and I have so many different problems. The appointments are 7 mins long max and 1 issue at a time so the small things I would usually see a doctor about are being left. I have had an enlarged tonsil and sore throat for over a year as well as issues with recurrent ear infections but it's at the bottom of the list so doesn't help. I just feel like a massive burden on the system at this point.

Is there any one that you know or could even find that is in a really bad place mentally? Could you contact him/her to just say the words “ I care about you. I plan on contacting you tomorrow.”? Then think about finding one kind thing to say to that person, tomorrow. Even if it’s “today it’s daylight,” just to keep contact with someone who might slightly understand how you’re feeling right now.

Hey The End, I don't know anyone that is in a bad place mentally (that I know of) a friend was life and soul of the party but was obviously in a bad place and none of us noticed. I do find it out hard to read people though. Socialising for me is really hard, I am quite awkward, I don't like change.

Besides your parents, do you have any other good friends that you can talk to face to face and be completely honest with? Unless your loved ones know, they cannot help you. I have learned that it is very important to open up.

I have friends that knew me when I was younger, I put them through so much back then that it's not something I wish to put them through again. My parents obviously know I am in a bad place but I can't talk to them.

 

[Muzzy]

I was tried on lots of medication, all of which didn't really help. I've also had nerve blocks done which didn't help also. I am on high flow oxygen therapy which does relieve my pain at times but it's still hard to deal with. I can't remember what it is like to feel normal.

Can I ask if your chronic pain has a specific diagnosis (i.e. what is if from)? Do they even know if it's predominantly psychological or physiological?

If I'm being too nosy just tell me to mind my own business.

Regardless, I truly sympathize with you. I hope you have at least some relief today.

 

[Maggoo]

Can I ask if your chronic pain has a specific diagnosis (i.e. what is if from)? Do they even know if it's predominantly psychological or physiological?

The original diagnosis is Chronic Daily Headaches and Trigeminal Autonomic Celphalalgia. I then had issues with low vitamin D and iron and stuff and getting pain in my legs, chest, ribs and eventually loads of random places and my joints, my legs swell up and go freezing cold. The doctors now think its either Fibromyalgia or arthritus but am waiting on seeing a rhumatoid specialist. I think the chest pain is also related to the anxiety.

 

[cclun]

I know you feel like you are burdening them, but they may not feel the same way. There will be some that are ready to listen and help, like us in the forum here. We want to help you and there should be friends who will too

 

[Maggoo]

I know you feel like you are burdening them, but they may not feel the same way. There will be some that are ready to listen and help, like us in the forum here. We want to help you and there should be friends who will too

I think I just like to keep things seperate. When I first had issues and fell apart I hated the feeling of my friends and family walking on egg shells and worrying and pittying me.

I still have to deal with things being sensored, being kept from me because they’re scared I can’t cope with it. If I was to admit how bad things have gotten this would only get worse. I would rather keep it for when I can be anonymous with people and professionals that understand.

I understand this isn’t the healthiest way to go about my relationships, but it’s damage limitation for me at this point.

 

[Muzzy]

low vitamin D and iron and stuff

You probably realize that a large percentage of our health - obviously not 100% - is determined by our diet and level of nutrition.

Just a thought. Have you consider utilizing the expertise of a professional nutritionist - or someone with nutritionist training (e.g. Chiropractor). And to be clear a nutritionist is not the same as a dietitian.

 

[Lola 2018]

I want to send you hugs and thank you for being there for me last nite i was ready for life to be over the pain makes it hard to go on but you picked me back up I'm here for you too anytime your not alone in this you have a lot of great people with you

 

[agwoodliffe]

Sorry for the essay guys.

I have had issues with depression and anxiety pretty much all my life, I have been on medication since I was 14.

Things were bareable until about 3 years ago when I started suffering pain and feeling unwell. Things then started to snowball, I lost both my grandparents and became more and more depressed.

I suffer with chronic pain, I am in pain all day every day. Pain killers give no relief and the doctors don't really seem to care. My Mental health took a nose dive. It's been a crazy journey, some things have improved but for bad reasons.

My anxiety peaked at not being able to leave the house or drive. I was diagnosed with agoraphobia, panic disorder, GAD and Major Depressive Disorder. I didn't leave the house for near enough a year other than for appointments. I stopped talking to friends and isolated myself completely.

I have supportive parents but they don't have any problems mentaly and find it really hard to relate, even though the try.

I would cry all the time and it got to a point my parents would be crying with me. It was killing them not being able to help me and to see me in pain. I lost my head one day and had to leave. I came home about 6am and they were still up waiting for me, saying how they were worried I had done something stupid so from then I have stopped telling them what the doctors are saying. And trying to hide as best I can how I am feeling to stop them worrying.

Just before Christmas my father had a heart attack, and the only reason I am still holding on is to not hurt my family but I lost my mind. I have made detailed plans on how I would kill myself, I have researched and planned, even looked into going to Belgium for assisted suicide, but I got into a state that all of that went out of the window and I wasn't thinking logically anymore. I wasn't thinking about collateral or avoiding any of the things I had previously thought about. I attempted in a way that thinking logically I wouldn't have and it was by pure fluke and not thinking clearly that it didn't work out.

I was angry at myself that I had done that, that I would have let my brother find me. A friend commited suicide a few years ago and I saw the damage he left behind by letting his family member find him. I hurt myself and it felt good, It helped level me out and it's a good distraction, but it's now one more thing I stressfully have to hide from my parents and the doctors. I think if they ever found out it would push me over the edge.

Suicide for me is a logical decision, the only thing keeping me here is obligations to the people who love me but I am getting periods when I don't think logically, it's like I only look at what I have done after I have already done it. I have ended up on a motorway bridge and only snapped out of it when someone stopped and asked me if I was ok, I was mortified. I would never do anything that would risk hurting anyone else.

My thoughts race, I can't let myself sleep. I feel like i'm losing my mind sometimes. I have had CBT and DBT and Counseling and I pay to see a psychiatrist privately but I cannot be honest with them. I haven't ever admitted feeling suicidal, or self harm. I am ashamed of myself and worried about being locked up.

I have tried so many meds and had so many bad side effects that my anxiety is now stopping me taking my pills.

I don't know how long I can deal with this I feel like I'm losing control. I think about dying all day every day and then worry about dying in a vicious circle. My head tells me I should just do it right and get it over with so I know it's done right. If i get it over with I don't have to go through the same vicious cycle every day. I cannot keep myself distracted enough all the time.

The one plus is - I wasn't driving because of all the what if's and driving or riding my motorbike was always my release. I have started driving my car again and am able to visit 1 friend but still struggle sometimes and leave after only a few minutes. When I feel myself loosing it I will go for a drive or go somewhere. Or if my mood is so low I have to hide from my family. I have to distract myself because I can't trust myself anymore.

I can't be honest because I am already ashamed of myself. I am the only person with mental issues in my family and they're struggling. I don't know how to deal with things my head is in such a mess. I know I am not helping myself but my pain cannot be solved anyway so I also don't see the point. Sorry if this is a bit all over the place it's hard for me to keep my thoughts straight.

Ok, what stuck out the most for me is you saying you were not being honest with your psychiatrist. YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED TO BE 100% HONEST. If you don't complain about symptoms to your doctor, or any doctor, how are they supposed to treat them? Don't worry, they're not going to turn around and laugh at you or call you weak or immediately have you locked up (not unless you explicitly state that you actually are going to do something dangerous).

Let me put it to you this way: would you rather feel ashamed for admitting your feelings to your doctor, or would you rather feel ashamed when you have put your own life in danger?

By the way, no need to apologise for discussing how you feel. It's not like you've called up some telemarketer and said all these things. You've come to a place where people will listen without prejudice and you will very likely meet people who can relate to your feelings a lot.

 

[Maggoo]

You probably realize that a large percentage of our health - obviously not 100% - is determined by our diet and level of nutrition.

Just a thought. Have you consider utilizing the expertise of a professional nutritionist - or someone with nutritionist training (e.g. Chiropractor). And to be clear a nutritionist is not the same as a dietitian.

My diet is quite limited anyway as I have to eat gluten free. It also makes it more difficult for my guts to absorb certain nutrients. I am trying to get more sun even if it's just sitting in the garden for 5 mins as it's the staying inside that has affected my Vitamin D most.

Ok, what stuck out the most for me is you saying you were not being honest with your psychiatrist. YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED TO BE 100% HONEST. If you don't complain about symptoms to your doctor, or any doctor, how are they supposed to treat them?

I know I should be honest, The only thing I am not honest about is active planning and a past attempt and SH, I only started the SH after seeing the psych for a while and how it all started was not the norm so it would have just been awkward to bring that up, but I am paranoid about being locked away.

When it comes to the doctors, I have so many existing problems, on top of the list of symptoms and small issues I have currently that I am not sure are related to existing things or new problems, or just the anxiety, it would take a lot longer than the alloted time a doctor allows to discuss. It just feels like the doctors are trying to hurry me out of the door the whole time and I hate being an inconvenience. It feels like I am there every few weeks and not getting any closer to getting anything sorted. Sometimes I just hope if I just leave everything it will be something really serious and the problem will be solved.

 

[agwoodliffe]

My diet is quite limited anyway as I have to eat gluten free. It also makes it more difficult for my guts to absorb certain nutrients. I am trying to get more sun even if it's just sitting in the garden for 5 mins as it's the staying inside that has affected my Vitamin D most.



I know I should be honest, The only thing I am not honest about is active planning and a past attempt and SH, I only started the SH after seeing the psych for a while and how it all started was not the norm so it would have just been awkward to bring that up, but I am paranoid about being locked away.

When it comes to the doctors, I have so many existing problems, on top of the list of symptoms and small issues I have currently that I am not sure are related to existing things or new problems, or just the anxiety, it would take a lot longer than the alloted time a doctor allows to discuss. It just feels like the doctors are trying to hurry me out of the door the whole time and I hate being an inconvenience. It feels like I am there every few weeks and not getting any closer to getting anything sorted. Sometimes I just hope if I just leave everything it will be something really serious and the problem will be solved.

I understand. I only met up with my doctor 30 minutes ago and completely spilled the beans. I even went so far to describe in great detail my suicide method, how it would be effective, and all the other final arrangements I made, including my suicide note and donating my body to science. I think what stopped her from having me locked up is by saying I wasn't quite ready yet to actually go through with it, which is the truth, because I literally have all the suicide gear in my backpack and ready to use yet I simply can't bring myself to do it yet, though i'm getting dangerously close as the weeks progress.

Anyway, back to you. I understand the fear of being locked away. I can assure you on one thing though: unless the doctor you are seeing is grossly incompetent (an uncommon occurrence, trust me) then you are NOT being an inconvenience. As a person suffering from a health issue (mental or physical), how are you inconveniencing the people whose job it is to treat you? It's not like a cancer patient has a right to complain and you don't! My own doctor just told me that it is pointless to suffer in silence. You have to be completely open and honest about how you are feeling. If you were to complain to a work colleague, ok their response may not be great. But doctors are specifically trained to assist in people who are suffering. If that doesn't convince you, let me put it this way: would you rather be an 'inconvenience' by complaining to your doctor about symptoms you are suffering from, or would you rather be an inconvenience to the people who have to remove your dead body, not to mention the funeral costs and other expenses??

One thing you definitely need to say is exactly what you said to me: ''It feels like I am there every few weeks and not getting any closer to getting anything sorted.''