Struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by quaz, Jan 22, 2015.

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  1. quaz

    quaz Member

    I have this overwhelmingly fear of abandonment and am having a hard time to control my emotions since I was a teen. I already talked with a therapist and he said I have OCD, but I think its just part of it. I am under a lot of pressure from work, and at the same time have this feeling that people who I consider very important to me are abandoning me.

    The scariest part is these uncontrollable urge to escape the pain from my fear of abandonment. I even gave up a career and home just to escape to a different country because of this urge to escape the pain, and chronic feelings of emptyness and suicidal thoughts have occurred very frequently. My faith in God has so far kept me from killing myself, and so far he seemed to have given me some leeway on a current situation that I am in.

    I may try to kill myself without even knowing it in case something too painful happens. It did happen a few years back and I only realized it now upon reflection.

    Please help! I thought I'd try it here first and any advice would be appreciated.
     
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you posted here as we can help you. You are not suffering alone.

    Dealing with the pressures of life is hard but you are not alone. Please remain calm and support.

    At the moment you.are at an emotional low which I personally understand. The important thing is NOT TO ACT ON ANY FEELINGS.

    I know it's hard to say but take this virtual hand I offer and help you get through this tough period of time.

    Please look at the other posts where people suffer from OCD by using the search facility on this forum.

    Keep writing your feelings here as it well you and you will get support.

    Remember you are not suffering alone.
    Change you current surroundings by.going for a walk or doing to.a cafe and go for a coffee. Be safe and take care.
     
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hiya quaz,

    Have you ever tried DBT or schema therapy for your BPD? I have heard very good things about both types of therapy and may help you deal with the impulses and feelings of abandonment that come with having BPD. It makes it doubly difficult when you have a dual diagnosis, but if you get the right help then you can start living your life again.
     
  4. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I dont know whether you have OCD or not from your post, but having BPD myself, what you said definitely sounds like BPD. Fear of abandonment, suicidal thoughts, emptiness, drastic changes in your living environment are all symptoms of BPD. I know its difficult to get help for it especially if youve been misdiagnosed, but you should maybe look into getting evaluated again and tell them all your symptoms, especially the ones you wrote about in your post so that you can get diagnosed properly. Also DBT therapy is the primary source of treatment for BPD. Not many medications help unfortunately. So whether its one on one DBT therapy or some kind of group therapy, you should look into that.
     
  5. quaz

    quaz Member

    Thanks for the reply guys. I never heard of DBT therapy but took a quick glance. It seems promising, and I wonder how I should bring it up to a doctor. I have very little time to seek therapy due to a heavy workload, but maybe its possible in March.

    As for the situation I'm facing, sadly I had an anxiety attack today due to BPD. Something happened that would have potentially separate me from a couple of friends at work but it didn't come to that. But I ended up reacting so badly on a potential abandonment scenario that my friends involved noticed. They asked that if I wanted to talk to them about it.

    I was nervous and scared, but I actually admitted to them that I have BPD. I told them what happened in 2006 with the giving up the home and career, and how I am so scared of loosing them. One of them seems to understand the situation better, and mentioned that "it made sense now" why I was so stressed with these team based projects...not being with them.

    I don't know how they will perceive me after this revelation, though they both are not "promising" that we'll be "together forever". Because a big project next year most certainly means we will no longer be working side by side, there is concern that I may not be able to handle the stress. This BPD is affecting me physically, as what happened today, and we're still trying to figure out how I can avoid this potentially painful scenario (including finding new work as an "escape plan").

    I dunno....but one thing is for sure, I do feel a little better that I was able to talk to my affected friends about this, and they seem to not take this thing against me.

    Not sure if this is positive development or not, or maybe someone can give feedback in light of what happened today...
     
  6. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    I think being open and honest with your work colleagues is a good idea. Hope things calm down for you after this.

    Keep posting. We're here for you.
     
  7. quaz

    quaz Member

    Thanks turryburry.

    One thing that really scares the hell out of me is somehow offending some of the people who I fear would abandon me. For example today during a meeting, I had what I perceive to be a heated argument during a meeting with one of my friends and when we disagreed (even though this is purely work stuff), it made me so nervous I was shaken. Though the meeting later went back on track, I felt I needed to apologize for the disagreement.

    He said it was fine and all, but I still can't shake this feeling that I offended him and he may not want to team up with me in the future. I'll see how it goes in the next few days but I feel this BPD is so difficult to control it. I wish it would just go away somehow so I can live a normal life. :(
     
  8. quaz

    quaz Member

    Fuck! Had another episode today.

    Its so stupid. In this project we're working on, my friend decided that we should examine the case materials individually, then convene later on. I initially said this is something that should be done together so we can brainstorm and such.

    I asked another co-worker (who my friend just happen to totally respect) about her opinion on how to tackle this project and she agreed that it should at least be done "in pairs". Our team assigned to this task happens to be five. When I texted my friend about it who happened to be in a different floor at that time, he conceded. But then he paired up with the other friend that just happened to be beside him.

    I freaked out since I thought he was retaliated and privately texted him, asking if we can talk. I asked if I offended him somehow, whether he was retaliating for forcing my plan over his (and using the co-worker to reinforce). But he said it was fine, and its okay that I ask other people's opinion, and he only paired with the other friend because he just happen to be there.

    Now though, I feel that I should really leave the organization, and now am seeking ways out of it somehow. Or should I?

    My friends seem to understand (or tolerate?) my condition, but I feel that if I stay, it will ruin my relationship with him. What should I do? :(
     
  9. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    Just calm down, if you think you have upset someone offer lunch ..dinner .. or whatever he/she is okay with u think .. dont over insist.. smile and make them feel their feelings matter to you...dont run away (leave) .. face the situation (as usual just my suggestion)
     
  10. quaz

    quaz Member

    Help! I can't calm down, and I'm really shaky right now. I think I'm bout to have an anxirty attack!

    I'm writing this from the office and I think both of them are purposely avoiding me despite my pleas. It seems both are trying to find excuses to not be with me. For example, one just want to do work in the lunchroom. Then the other was done and said "he just need to put the files away", but has not come back. I suspect the other guy went to see each other in the lunchroom.

    I dunno what to do, feeling so nervous and all but I'm seriously thinking of ending it all,m possibly today. Please help!
     
  11. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, please remain calm. You are important an please do not worry. Let others talk and please do not worry. The important thing is that you get through the day. It's hard I know but you can do it. If you cannot get on with your work then ask to be excused because you are not well.

    You are important and please keep remembering that. Be strong and safe.
     
  12. quaz

    quaz Member

    I caqnnot calm down. Ialreayd asked co-worker if eroof is accessible. He even jokinhgly said, "aqre you going to junmp>?". I hinted, ":wish you didn't aswk thaqt". Nered to dfo something wujick first.,
     
  13. quaz

    quaz Member

    Counseller not availbe. no one to trurn ton help.
     
  14. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    No, you are important. Please do not do anything. I know you are suffering but I'm here for YOU. Let's talk. I understand you are suffering but life is important. Please remain calm.

    Ignore your co-workers, as they do not understand what you are going through. I have been there where you have been. Be strong my friend. I REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU. Please pour out the hurt you are feeling. I will HELP YOU MY FRIEND. you are worthy of living.
     
  15. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    Where do you live ? you need to call Crisis Helpline Number NOW
     
  16. quaz

    quaz Member

    I just got back from the hospital....

    People were able to stop me and I was rushed by ambulance. I was "certified suicide risk" so they wouldn't let me leave until it was assured that I wouldn't harm myself. It was a grueling moment talking to all those people such as psychiatrists, a nurse, counsellor, etc.

    At the end though, while I was waiting between one doctor to another, I was also in text communication with my two friends that I had abandonment issues with.

    The first one was trying to reassure me that the one that instigated the "lunch room" incident didn't really mean it that way, and that he was so worried about me, that I should at least text him and let him know if I'm okay. Then I started ranting and then realized that I maybe really pushing it. I told him that my worse fears is happening, how I already ruined our friendship by acting this way. But he told me that I shouldn't worry about it as despite all this, our friendship is intact. That he only request is to text the other friend as he was very worried.

    So after another session with the doctor, I finally texted him. This one was a bit confrontational, and I really told him how I felt about him seemingly want to separate and all. I let it all out, showed him how I really felt and how that thing in the boardroom the other day and the lunchroom today was such a big deal to me. He did explain his side of the story but also said that despite what is said and done, that he still has the same respect to me as the other friend and he values our friendship still.

    I did feel better as a result, since I showed them the worse side of me and despite that, they have not rejected me. So much so by the time the main psychiatrist arrived, I was calm enough that they discharged me from the hospital.

    One thing that also resulted is after telling the doctors about 2006 and what I posted here, I am now officially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. This is a good thing because now they are going to refer me to the proper therapy via DBT. I do plan to take this therapy seriously so I can have better relationships and maintain the valuable friendships that I do have.

    And finally...

    I would like to thank everyone in this forum for all your support, and to the one that PMed me to reach out (sorry I was not able to reply). You guys are doing such a wonderful thing to people that are in crisis. It is really much appreciated.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 27, 2015
  17. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    I'm glad that you are okay ..and that you feel better now.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 27, 2015
  18. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Quaz, the important thing is that you are safe. Keep posting as you need the support of this will you. Take care.
     
  19. quaz

    quaz Member

    A major incident happened during a meeting today. I and another co-worker came back from interviewing a client and we had a team meeting to debrief the results. After we presented the data, one of my friends who was leading it decided to divide the analysis into two pairs and one person. Someone volunteered for the single person task but the leader paired me with another guy instead of him or my other friend. I resisted, and he was really adamant and all. It got really ugly (the shouting was noticable to others in the office) and the meeting was adjourned.

    I insisted the two other co-workers leave so we can work out the issue. I asked him why he wouldn't pair with me or let me pair with the other, but he insisted that he pairs with the other friend. We argued back and forth on how he knew I was having this issue so he said he'd rather have the tasks distributed individually if it comes to that. We left with the issue unresolved and I was quite shaken.

    I met up with the other friend at the 3rd floor and we calmly talked about it. He told me that as much as he wanted to help me and all, he came to this place to have a bright career and ultimately has to take care of himself first. I walked with him to the coffee shop and I told him that despite my abandonment issues, that if it makes him happier that he only works with the other friend, I will no longer insist on pairing with him, even when it hurts me mentally. And if he does not want to talk to me again, I would understand. Last year, I helped him in an extremely tough project that he couldn't handle, so much so I stayed up late nights to ensure it is completed. I said I would do so again in a heartbeat. At the end, he said "we're still cool", then he went back to his workstation.

    My team leader friend coincidentally went to the coffee shop. I approached him and he seemed a little calm. We had a slightly longer discussion but also told him pretty much the same thing I did to the other friend. He says he will still be here and will help me if needed.

    I love them so much I decided to make the ultimate sacrifice...I decided to "let them go". I don't know if they would still consider me a friend, but I just couldn't stand that I potentially hurt them by my disorder. Now I feel like someone died, it f*cking hurts so much its not even funny. They are still there, and I will see them again tomorrow, but I feel that I "lost" them. BPD sucks and I hate this emotional pain so much. I wish it would go away but it won't.
     
  20. quaz

    quaz Member

    Things feel that it will no longer be same in the office. I really want to quit now. I know it will ruin my second chance in a career but I just dunno how to handle this. I feel all my co-workers are avoiding me, and I cannot focus. We got something due this afternoon and I cannot work on it...
     
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