All day I have been feeling out of it. I have a suicide plan "on the shelf" and have been kind of obsessing about it lately. Today I took one more step toward putting it into action. But I didn't. I took my dog to the park and then went to the store and bought some containers on sale with the thought that I might organize my tools and hardware. Now I think I might take them back, because it seemed like an impulsive and pointless purchase. When I got home I went to bed, but I couldn't sleep, even though I kind of pretended I did. Then my partner started to bug me about eating something. I said I wasn't hungry. She left me alone for awhile, but I knew she'd be back, so I planned that I would agree to eat, but then I would leave and not come back. She did come back, and I agreed to eat, but now I'm just sitting in front of the TV watching puppies on animal planet and thinking how I don't feel safe and I really could kill myself at any moment if I weren't so lazy and scared. And if someone asked me right now if I felt safe I would say "no" but no one's asking and I know that doesn't mean that no one cares but that's how it feels. I'm sorry to whine and complain. I guess I'm just not really sure what to do right now and I thought maybe writing about would help.