Struggling with internal conflict

All day I have been feeling out of it. I have a suicide plan "on the shelf" and have been kind of obsessing about it lately. Today I took one more step toward putting it into action. But I didn't. I took my dog to the park and then went to the store and bought some containers on sale with the thought that I might organize my tools and hardware. Now I think I might take them back, because it seemed like an impulsive and pointless purchase.

When I got home I went to bed, but I couldn't sleep, even though I kind of pretended I did. Then my partner started to bug me about eating something. I said I wasn't hungry. She left me alone for awhile, but I knew she'd be back, so I planned that I would agree to eat, but then I would leave and not come back. She did come back, and I agreed to eat, but now I'm just sitting in front of the TV watching puppies on animal planet and thinking how I don't feel safe and I really could kill myself at any moment if I weren't so lazy and scared. And if someone asked me right now if I felt safe I would say "no" but no one's asking and I know that doesn't mean that no one cares but that's how it feels.

I'm sorry to whine and complain. I guess I'm just not really sure what to do right now and I thought maybe writing about would help.

 

Hi Displaced and welcome...if you are not safe, please get medical attention...can you talk to your partner about how you are feeling? It would be safer if she knew you were in trouble...from how you described the interaction, it sounds like there is tension and that could be coming from she suspecting you are not doing well...please consider going to an ER or calling your MD and discussing how you are doing

 

Thanks. I guess I am kind of thinking I should get medical attention. But I can't really tell my partner how I am feeling. Circumstances over the past 18 months have led to me not feeling so safe with her or like I can rely on her. I think my therapist knows I am struggling and maybe I will leave a message on his voicemail tomorrow, but I think he is trying to keep me out of the hospital and I appreciate it and have to think that maybe he knows better than I do whether it's serious or not. And also I am worried that I am trying to manipulate my therapist into making me go to the hospital. Maybe I kind of feel like I should go to the ER but I can't do it and I want someone to do it for me. Which is so stupid. Either I want to kill myself or I don't.

 

Please contact your therapist...also, if you do feel very unsafe, go to the ER...and please PM me if I can be there for you

 

Well taking about is certainly a lot better than going through with suicide, so feel free to 'whine and complain' as much as you feel you need to and know that at any time of the day or night you get such thoughts to do something to yourself, any one of us here is only a few mouse clicks away.

 

I know what you mean when you say you want someone else to make you go to the hospital, I was in the same position last week. I really wanted someone to see just how much I was hurting and then take over and make it all better, but life doesnt always work that way, and sometimes others can't do what we need to do for ourselves. I have had my therapist tell me I need to go to the hospital, because sometimes I just need "permission" from someone else so I know it's ok. weird, i know.