Struggling with my conscience - can't forgive myself or move on.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Aurora Gory Alice, Nov 13, 2009.

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  1. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I used to be a really bad person.

    I've done a lot of bad things and I feel horribly guilt ridden about all of them. I mean, if I told you what I'd done and how I'd been most people would just say I'm being stupid and it's all part of growing up. But the things I've done and the way I have acted tear me up.

    It's the one thing I am struggling with that I don't have an answer for.
    I know how to 'fix' all of my other problems. Even if they will be difficult I know what the solution is and that is a weight off my shoulders, but with this...
    I just don't have one. I don't know what to do.

    I suppose in order to really get help I have to 'fess up. So I'll just mention a few things. I want to talk to a counsellor but I have to wait until the new year to get a new one, so I'm sort of just stuck in limbo right now.

    - I was really promiscuous. Mostly it was just to fit in, I even lost my virginity to a one night stand. All of this haunts me every day. When I think about how used I was by men and convinced myself I was Samantha from Sex and The City (i.e. I was the one using them). It just wasn't true.
    I was being used.

    - I used to exploit and use my friends. I used to try to get them to hate each other by spreading rumours because I wanted to be top dog. I wanted to be the most popular one and the 'good one'. This probably started from as early as about age 3 or 4 and I did this well into my twenties!

    - I used to sabotage peoples good fortune. If I was jealous of someone... I'd sabotage them. I'd set them up to fail, by whatever means possible. Even if that person was close to me and called me their best friend. It used to be all the more sweet because they'd come running to me when things would go wrong, and I'd have open arms. Without them realising things had gone wrong at the hands of me.

    Someone once said to me, go back and confess and apologise. But I have thought about this so much. I just can't do it. I'd imagine most people would tell me where to go, I don't even speak to 99% of those people anymore as it is, so I'm just a distant memory and to even remember all of the things I did - we'd be here all day.

    I just don't know how to get over and move on from all of this. These are just some of the things, there's sadly more. :(
  2. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    hey :hug:

    we all have things that we have said or done in the past that we regret now. the thing is that you recognise mistakes that you have made and know where you may have gone wrong. living in the present and the future as the person you would like to be is important now i think :unsure: there are things from the past that can't be changed but we can affect our lives around us in the now.

    it doesn't make you a bad person now - it puts you with the rest of us - a person who has a past. im sure somewhere along the line that there was a reason why you did these things and whether you are aware of these reasons or not i don't know - perhaps it would help you to look into that and im sure counselling will help you with that :hug:

    but for now what do you think about concentrating on the things you are able to work on - your present and future.

  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    The important part is what you say first: I "used to be" a bad person. (Although, I don't know if I'd say you were a "bad person" - you did a few things a lot of people do or have done, and that means you're human, not bad.)

    Try to leave it all behind you now. This is a new chapter of your life and you don't need to keep hanging on to the guilt you're feeling from the past. I think if you remember the lessons you've learned from those things and don't do them again, you could move on with a clear conscience.

  4. sammakko

    sammakko Banned Member

    I still waiting for apologies after decades. I need them that I can heal.
  5. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Well I don't think I did anything so bad to anybody, that I ruined their life.
  6. HiddenTears

    HiddenTears Well-Known Member

    We all do things that we are not proud of, it's part of being human. I know it's easy to say don't let them get to you, but really, your past is your past. Build a new future. Remember how you were and try not to go back to that person. Start a new way of life. It is more important to have people in your life than to be "top dog."
  7. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    I'm thinking that maybe you need to forigve yourself rather than others to forgive you. Even if you apologized to everyone you thought you'd acted badly towards and they all said that's ok, I suspect you might still feel bad about having done things you think aren't good. Maybe if you got to understand why you acted as you did, you would feel some compassion towards yourself, and would be able to let it go? Just a thought, based on stuff in me. :hug:
  8. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    You acknowledged what you did.

    You changed and became better.

    I'd say you're not very ballsy, but quite ballsy.
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    We all do things we are ashamed of...I have found that the best way for me to make amends was/is to forgive myself...everyone else has lived and probably have developed their are the one suffering I suggest forgiveness and then showing compassion to yourself and others...big hugs and welcome to the human race...with understanding and compassion, J
  10. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    Aww sweetie.

    Dont be so hard on yourself. We have all done stupid things in the past and we will do in the future aswell but we are not perfect. I actually nearly lost my virginity to a guy but luckily we had been drinking and erm, his ermm boat wouldnt float haha. But i was the same with guys, alhough I was a bit more naive, I thought they actually liked me and id fall for them head over heels and then it would just die out but then thats just teenage stuff in Ireland and the UK.

    As for the other things, chick, we are girls and teenage girls all over the world still do this today, its just how it is. Your a fantastic person today!!!! And we can only live for today. There is absoulety nothing we can do about the past. I read a line on here....

    "if you live with one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, your going to piss all over today"

    chin up sweetpea. :)
  11. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    hahahahahaha thanks Kate!
    And thanks everybody else as well. I suppose I'm just going to have to firmly implant that line into my head I am not THAT person anymore, I even refer to her as THAT person. I cannot change the past but I can change my present and my future.

    So my mantra from now on will be:

    Only worry about what you can affect... the present and the future. The past has been and gone and you cannot change it.

    Hope that helps anyone else who is dwelling on the past. :hug:
  12. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    What we can do is learn from our pasts...sometimes they are our best teachers...and yes, all we have (truly) is the be in it and do your best to represent yourself with dignity and compassion...J
  13. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much Sadeyes. I think I just need to keep repeating that to myself. I'm sure I've posted about this several times before, I'm not sure why it keeps eating away at me like it does. But I am going to come back to this thread everytime I feel like this again and remember that forgiving myself is the first step, learning from my mistakes and making a better present and future.
  14. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    I think you're very brave Linds, and a very good person now. That's all that matters, you've learnt a lesson and changed, that is so much more then most people will ever do.
    That mantra is excellent, focus on the present moment, what you can do NOW. :heart:
  15. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Thanks Ana,
    I guess I keep posting this same problem because I am scared - I feel like Jekyll and Hyde sometimes. I'm wondering if I will ever go back to being that person again and that scares me because I don't want to! I want to be a good person. I think I was like that because I was so depressed, bitter, twisted, cynical, I hated everybody and I wanted people to suffer and I wanted myself to suffer as well. But I don't feel like that anymore, sadly I always think I'm always only one step away. One bad choice or one bad day or one bad person (i.e. relationship/friendship) away from going back.

    But I'm trying so so hard to never let that happen.
  16. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    I don't think you will dear, really. It seems that you know now you caused pain and that it wasn't good. Of course we all make mistakes, and you will too, but important thing is that you have changed and you don't want to be like that any more. Let yourself live life and not dwell on what will be or could be, no use of that, well my experience anyway.
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