Struggling with self loathing every day

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by alexiii01, Jul 5, 2016.

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  1. alexiii01

    alexiii01 New Member

    Hi I'm new here.

    I just wanted to post in case anyone can relate.

    I'm 23/f. I have a history of mental health issues (depression, psychosis etc). I don't have problems with severe psychosis any more but I do get periodic paranoia and quite intense intrusive thoughts.

    Since a traumatic incident in December last year I feel I have been increasingly unable to cope and function normally. I do not feel ready to process this event with counselling and I am struggling with intense anger about the way the police handled it, even though the outcome was ok in the end for me, I feel humiliated. When I tried to raise this with the police they pretty much fobbed me off and the investigating officer made some hurtful remarks towards me.

    I've been arrested on a section 136 and had contact with the police on numerous occasions because of mental health issues - recently exacerbated by a drink problem I have developed. I am attending a 12 step programme and in recovery for this but my initial intention was to drink myself to death. Now I am not drinking but still suicidal. I feel worthless, inadequate, hopeless, and on the morning of every day just beyond despair. I'm also frustrated with the way professionals handle me - for instance on a couple of occasions after being taken to A&E in an ambulance, I was left on a trolley for 9 hours without seeing anyone. I then left the hospital and felt it was an utter waste of time and resources.

    I take antidepressants which do not seem to do an awful lot, see a nice psychiatrist every 6 months, who seems to be somewhat puzzled by me, and have a "care co-ordinator" who never seems to be in the office. I fear telling her my feelings as last time I did that she suggested hospital which is absolutely the last place I want to be again. I feel stuck without options and stuck in a predicament of being on a circular path of self hatred. Therapy options are limited, professionals are stressed and unavailable, and my family remain angry and confused about me. I wish I knew what to do, or say, or how to feel content.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, I am glad you have quit the drinking as you probably already know it is a mental and physical depressant and will make you crave it more and more if you feel the euphoric and mellow thoughts from it. Well done for quitting it. You have done brilliant, way to go girl!

    I'm in the exact same situation (I'm 27/f), they treat me like im naughty and like i can control how i feel and i cannot, I think therapy and your programme might help you with that or maybe bring your closest relatives to appointments with you hun, would that help? or be an option? I wish you the best of luck with everything and please keep us updated.
  3. alexiii01

    alexiii01 New Member

    I've taken relatives to a few appointments in the past but I always feel embarrassed and exposed speaking in front of them. Yeah the 12 step programme has done wonders in terms of companionship/understanding/commitment/fellowship. I have a sponsor I talk to often who has been great.

    I wish I didn't feel so intensely miserable though. I don't seem to get joy or pleasure out of many things any more but the programme is teaching me to gradually overhaul my lifestyle - focus on the small things, don't rush everything, don't compare yourself, make sure you improve your spiritual life etc. I enjoy art and writing so I'm trying to work more on that, to feel more content.

    I also feel that these feelings are at times hormonal, or related to that. I think I suffer from PMDD. I looked at treatments for that and it said antidepressants and contraceptives - I'm on anti depressants and I'm allergic to contraceptives.
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