Struggling with the memories

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by FrainBart, May 31, 2012.

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  1. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    I have never been to good with coping with things, but today I am really struggling with the memories. I want to cry, I want to be able to cope but I feel so pathetic and weak and stupid, that it is still affecting me. How can I push these memories out of my mind, I want to forget it I dont want it to be part of my memories anymore. I want to be free of it, but its plaguing me
    Why am I so weak? :(
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not weak hun you are very strong to cope with all the abuse you have suffered. You need to let tears come ok you need to talk to someone about your fears your sadness someone who can help you cope with it all hugs
  3. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    I want to cry, I wish I could cry, but I can't. I wish I had someone I could talk to but I dont. I am alone. My bf is unsupportive, and doesnt believe me. I cant get professional help because when ever I try to speak to someone, he speaks for me, and tells everyone how amazing he is and how hes made me feel good. I feel so stuck and lost, and in a constant cycle of blaming myself.
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    You aren't weak and sometimes it's hard to forget bad memories...sorry that you don't have a very good support system. You can keep talking here and I hope that will help you feel a bit better.
  5. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    All I can remember is negative and bad events in my life, and its ruling who I am. I want to forget it all. I want to be someone different. I hate who I am because of what happened, and its all my fault
  6. lelantgirl

    lelantgirl Well-Known Member

    Firstly you are not weak..............I am an abuse survivor and so can know where you are coming from.
    The abuser was the weak one, not you, you are strong to still be here and telling us.
    I was abused by several men growing up and then had bad abusive relationship as adult. I have found over the years my mind has blocked certain things from my memory and then all of a sudden it all comes back to me, things which obviously my mind hid for good reason.
    No matter how much over the years I have tried to 'push' away the memories, it doesn't fully work. I was abused and there are memories and trauma attatched to this, always will be and often if we keep trying to push our thoughts. emotions and everything away and try to 'forget' it may work for a time but it will all come back with a big whoosh.

    I have had counselling but made me worse, I feel I have got help best through talking to those who too are abuse survivors rathre than someone who just has qualiofications in the mind!
    I have read alot of abuse books and tried to sort things out in my own way, mind and at a pace which is safe and steady.
    I tried to rush into it years ago and found this was a bad thing, much too overwhelming. I was first abused aged 7, I am now 37..........when I was raped at 21 I knew I'd been raped but was about 4 years later when my mind/brain/subconscious allowed me to remember it and say 'I was raped' for the time it had got pushed into my brain although I did know it had happened, we do this for safety and coping mechanism.
    Hope you feel you can share somemore here..............with someone who knows about abuse and that 1st hand. Take care.
  7. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    I'm not a survivor, I am a failure, I tried talking to someone, and he didnt believe me, I am alone with this, I cant get professional help, I have no friends, I have to deal with it on my own.
  8. lelantgirl

    lelantgirl Well-Known Member

    You must be a survivor ( I didn't think I was either at first) but we are cos we are still here and survived the abuse, even if we feel differently.
    You dont have to deal with it on your own. Just cos you tried talking to someone and he didn't believe you doesn't necessarily mean the next person wont, or the next or next..........just think I BELIEVE you so thats a start surely.
    Professional help isn't always the right place to begin anyway, talking to those who have gone through similar things can be alot more help and you get 1st hand knowledge and support. You dont have to deal with it on your own, it must feel like you have to and I know how hard that is to feel, however you have at least 1 person who wishes to listen and support you- me.
    Sometimes its far easier to talk to someone like this and not face to face and with someone you dont know. I have found really the only people who can truly understand and get how the thoughts are, are folks who have been abused too. I have and I am here if you wish to talk. Please dont think you have to battle this alone ok, even if it feels very much the case for you.
  9. Justice7

    Justice7 New Member

    I understand where you are coming from. You are not weak. It does take a strength that only survivors would understand. You are not alone. I am here if you need to talk. Also, it may be beneficial to go by yourself at first to counseling then bring in your support system when your ready.
  10. MayAngelsLeadYouIn

    MayAngelsLeadYouIn New Member

    Stop putting yourself down for god's sake! Please, you're only harming yourself. I know how you feel. Sometimes it feels like u can't escape your memories.. ur past. U can't. But what you can do is change your present. Please, this is YOUR LIFE.I'm not saying do a complete 180 but you have to start somewhere. This is not good for you. Give yourself a break. You're only human. Occupy yourself with other things. See a therapist. But please, stop damaging yourself like this.
  11. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    You sound like you need someone to listen to you. I don't know if I'd be good for that because I'm a guy but there are definitely people on here who can help you. And I definitely agree about the therapy… sometimes it really can make things worse. I'm not saying that it wasn't traumatic just that it doesn't have to define who you are as a person. The best thing to do is to focus on taking control of your life and feeling empowered and good about yourself again… you don't have to let those thoughts/feelings win and you can get to the point where you're living your life the way you want to and doing things that can help you to feel better about yourself. It might be an ongoing struggle in some ways but life is like that anyways-- I really hope you can find peace with yourself and good luck to you!!
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