Hello, I've been struggling with intense urges for me to overdose again. I just want to be unconscious, or so delirious that I will be out of reality. I've done this before and now I'm wishing to do it again. I don't really want to kill myself, but if I do, then it will be my fault and face God. I've been fighting these thoughts for many days now and it's getting to the point that it's so ridiculous. I am fantasizing about being under the influence of a drug overdose. I actually like the experience afterwards. However, when I think of reality, I have too much to risk. I live alone now but I might have to give up my apartment if I cannot show that I'm capable of taking care of myself while living alone. I don't want to end up in a personal care home where my rights and independence is taken away from me. I might become a vegetable or sustain serious damage to my organs. I hope my struggles with myself will end up positively, but right now, everything seems possible, good or bad.