Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by _Lily_, Aug 19, 2013.

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  1. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    Am struggling today ...Went to the Mosque to drop something off
    the women there is so nice to me ...i feel i don't derisive anyone being nice to me
    Am always scared that i am going to do something bad ... maybe its because I am a really bad person
    OCD thoughts taking over my mind in everything i do ...what if i hurt someone ? will i hurt someone ? they are influencing me ?
    What if i do something really bad that's unforgivable ?

    Tomorrow i have to go on the bus on my own to go to the sisters group that i started going to on a Tuesday night...
    Got another group on Thursday night as well my husband will take me to that one i think

    The voices are loud as well telling me i must die ... maybe there right maybe i should die
    I feel like taking an overdose but my husband keeps the meds locked away so i cant do anything
    I know he is doing that because he loves me
    But i wish i had access to the box

    There is nothing anyone can say to me that will help
    Only Allah ( swt ) can help me now
    I believe am going to hell because i am a bad person
    My sins are many ...I ask for forgiveness but i keep doing the sins again and again
    Not meant to listen to music in Islam but i still listen to rock music i try and stop myself from sinning but i keep doing it

    Not meant to self injure in Islam either or have tattoos
    am never clean enough no matter how many times i wash myself

    I should do the world a favor and die
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    OCD thoughts are just that hun thoughts nothing else I am sorry you are struggling with these thoughts You are good hun your husband knows that and so do the ladies at the mosque
  3. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    Thank you
    I cant control these thoughts ... they have so much power over me am scared about tomorrow that i have to go on the bus on my own
    Av never been on a bus on my own since about 4 years ago before the OCD thoughts where bad
    I have to wait 6 months before i can get psychotherapy unsure what am meant to do in the mean time
    my husband will not be here when i go on the bus i can text him but he will not be on the bus

    Am so dependent on my husband for things i cant go out and get him a gift without him knowing where i got it from and how much it is
    I would like to be independent but am scared to be independent

    I just feel like am worthless
    On Saturday i see my biological dad he knows am Muslim but i don't think he is happy about it he said he will talk to me about when he sees me
    He hasn't been around for years because his wife threatened suicide if he saw us ...she is dead now don't know how she died
    I dont know how to feel about him being back he cant replace my dad ... my dad would be happy that he is in contact with us
    i dont know weather to call him dad or not
    I have been when he talking to me over e mails
    maybe i giving him mixed signals
    I dont know
  4. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    I cant do this anymore
    My nephew posted something on his facebook that he is high but if he wasnt high he would blow his brains out
    Am scared am going to lose another family member to suicide

    The voices say i have to die instead of them
    it will fix everything

    Am so scared
    The voices seem to be making sense to me
    Like its my time

    Ill go to hell ...i already belong there anyway
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    oh those voices and thoughts are wrong wrong wrong. Can I ask you something? If someone else told you that voices were saying they were bad, and that you must die, what would you say to the person? Would you tell the person the voices are ever right? No. Because they lie. they only want the worst for you. Not because they are right or moral or represent anything that is right or moral. It is because they are wrong and want nothing but the worst for you.

    The voice lie. If you were deead it would not help your brother at all. It would cause more harm. These voices always lie. I know about them. Because I love someone who hears them also. lies. they sound like they are not lies. they mean nothing less than great harm.

    you are good. As TE said, your husband knows that and so do the ladies at the mosque. you are good. You are good. how do I know? I have read countless things you have written. i would pick up in a second if you did not have a good and caring heart. you are good. You deserve to live. I know its hard. but please try to not believe thoughts thoughts and voices. And I DO know thats a hard thing to do. Are you taking meds? And if not, is there any way you can get them? :hug: :hug: :hug:
  6. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    Am on medication for the voices but av had my medication reduced because my psych thought they arent effective
    i am on two anti psychotics an anti depressant and Valium( prn )
    The voices are telling me to must go to the train station today and jump
    Its stupid that i listen to my voices and the thoughts
    with my OCD the thoughts and voices are constant i never get a break from them
    Am unsure what is gong on with my nephew he is taking drugs and drink
    not seen him in a month or so

    I need to wake my husband up and talk to him
    really dont feel well at all
  7. PerfectlyMurdered

    PerfectlyMurdered Well-Known Member

    Hello! I just opened this old account of mine. I really want to share something with you. I used to have really nad OCD, I used to hear voices and ised to feel SO crazy! I used to follow the voices and eat so much food I'd throw up.. And other things.. I used to be so suicidal and I thought that was the only things that could take my
    pain away. I used to feel death and darkness. I can tell you now that i am freed from that I want to share with you this awesome person JESUS. He is real. I can share with you more of what He has done in my life. I lost a good friend of mine named Jonathan and I wanted to die so badly... And i asked Him to take the pain away ad He did. It was so bad i could not pull myself out of all of that pain. I used to take OCD medicine, it didnt help. I used to take medicine to go to sleep at night. I used to take anxiety medicine. I used to pull on my hair and harm myself. Jesus freed me!!!! When I was a new christian I was afraid that i was doing so many sins and I thought I was going to hell too!!! But He showed me oh how real He is and how much He loves me.., He LOVES you SO much!!!!!!!!!! I can tell you right now that He is real. And He wants to take away all of those voices and all of that pain. He is LOVE. He is all love and He is a God of love and forgiveness. I learned that He is a God that wants to take all my burdens and worries away. He wants to give you a new and happy life now !!! He did it for me!!! I went through the same thing! He is GOOD He is real! Just pray, "Father, I believe that you sent your Son Jesus to die for my sins and that you died so that I can be free. I receive Him as the Lord and Savior of my life. In Jesus name, amen." Please talk to me with anything, any questions, anything else. I love you! God loves you so much! He is a God that desires to see you free and He has the power to do it!! And He wants to! He loves you oh so much! I am living proof of His love! I never thought I'd be alive now! I
    am alive and joyful now i was so depressed before!!!! If you'd like, I can show you tell you more of His character. His voice, His LOVE is true over the voices. I love you! My name is Lynae. He loves you! jesus is a savior, i just rely on His payment fpr my sins and covered!!! If you receive Him and follow Him you are covered!!
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I hope you can get the dosage increased again if that was more helpful. Glad you are going to wake your husband. I understand when you say you never get a break from the voices. I do not think its "stupid" that you listen to them. But I do ask that you fight with all your might not to do what they say. I know you would tell someone else that. So I know you already undestand what I am saying. and I know you do that anyway. Such a horrible fight. I know. Just keep fighting. you are doing good. Just keep fighting. Keep posting. And please if you can get the meds increased again, do it. Maybe your husband can help with that? I care
  9. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    I love jesus too but he isnt the son of God
    There is only one God and that is Allah ( swt)
    I have been christian myself i dont believe how you believe

    The only God that will save me is Allah ( swt)
  10. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    perfectlymurdered, I am so glad you were saved by Jesus who now is your God. I am VERY glad you are doing so much better.
    But DarkAsylum already has a religion. She believes in Allah. She is Muslim
  11. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    My husband says i need to start caring about myself but he was half a sleep when he said it
    I know if someone else was saying this to me id tell them to get help asap
    Voices are so loud my husband thinks its my own fault because i havent been to bed yet and its 5.10 am
    i just cant sleep
  12. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    if the voices are that loud I can understand why you cant sleep. it is quite possible he was not fully awake when he said what he said. that you need to start caring about yourself. Is there any way you can call medical people tomorrow and have your medication increased again? Or changed. Because this is horrible for you. Please kieep fighting not to give in to the voices. and keep listening to my words that they lie lie lie. :hug: :hug:
  13. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    I talked to my husband he was going to leave me with my bus pass but now he thinks its too dangerous for me to go out on my own in this state of mind
    he now gone to my mothers
  14. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am glad you are not going to take the bus alone. Good. Did he mention anything about helping you to get your medications increased again? Or can you call the doctor to get them increased again? Just keep holding on. Try as hard as possible to resist all those thoughts and voices. They lie. you are good. I know that because I have read many things you have written. You are good. The voices always lie. Thats the way those voices work. They always want to lie and cause harm to the people who they tourment. Never do what they say to do, okay?

    And I hope you can get back on the increased dose of medication. Or get on a better med that can help more :hug: Keep fighting those voices. You are doing a good job :hug:
  15. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    The last time i tried to get my medication put up they said the medication is only to calm me down and not for the voices
    they think my voices are because of stress yes some times the voices are there because of stress but there are other reasons they are there
    On e psych says i have Schizophrenia while another one says its Borderline personality Disorder so am kinda confused and i dont know what is wrong with me
    They flatly refused to up my medication

    I feel very low i wish my husband gave me my bus pass everyone would be better off with out me being here
    Voices are so loud and the OCD thoughts dont help
  16. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    No one would be better off without you sweetie. i understand the thinking. Even though its not true. Not one bit.
    Could you possibly go back to the doctor who diagnosed you with schizophrenia? Would it be possible to go back to him? I hope so. Because I want you to get help. I know the voices are loud. And the thoughts are awful. Is there any chance you can go back to that doctor? The one who diagnosed you with Schizophrenia. If I lived near you i would do everything I could to get you to someone who would help. If thats what you wanted.
  17. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    The psych that diagnosed me with Schizophrenia was a temp one covering for my regular psych
    I don't think i can see him again and i don't even know his name...
    The psych i see now says its Borderline Personality Disorder...So am unsure what to do really
  18. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I wish it were possible to go to a crisis place and be evalutated by someone else. I really do. I wish you could get another person's opinion. Other than the psych you are going to now. Can you think of any possible way to get to see someone else? Because while I am not a professional, it sounds to me like you need to be on better medication than what you are on. I am not at all sure the diagnosis of borderline is right. Although I am just a person. I have no degrees or credientials or training. So I really dont know much of anything. So, is it possible to go to a crisis place and be evaluated by someone else? I do hope so, Because I care
  19. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    I can make an emergency appointment with a dr tomorrow or i can go to the crisis place
    they need to know that i am feeling suicidal because of the voices the psych that i normally see says i may always hear voices and that medication cant do everything, they are more there to try to help me cope, and be able to tell them from others

    They say its stress and when am really ill it is normally stress that causing it
  20. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    The thing that concerns me is that your psych reduced the medication. There are medications that can help. Will they totally make the voices go away.... Well some people do find that the voices do stop. Other people find that it makes it somewhat better. But I think getting a second opinion from a different psych would be good. Because you are suffering way too much. :hug: Thats just my thought. Maybe you can ask Allah to help find you the exact right person to help you. And then follow your own instinct regarding what to do and where to go for help. yes?
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