Struggling

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AnaNg, Jan 14, 2014.

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  1. AnaNg

    AnaNg Antiquities Friend

    I don't know how to do this anymore. It's been a year now that I've been struggling with this episode of depression. A whole effing year. I've been suicidal a lot of this time. I've come very close to attempting several times (one in particular probably would have definitely killed me). I've been through med changes, weekly therapy, twice weekly therapy, outpatient intensive therapy, an inpatient stay (I refuse to call it therapy as it was nothing of the sort and far from helpful), more med changes, more weekly therapy. I've received the Anointing of the Sick from multiple priests multiple times, been to confession (for the graces it gives) most every week, attended mass most weeks, and have sought spiritual counsel from priests and been the recipient of the prayers of family and friends and more than a few perfect strangers. I've stayed my own hand because I love God. I've done it because I love my family and friends. I've even done it a few times because I genuinely care about how my death would affect my therapist who has seen me for almost five years now.

    This past year has really changed something fundamental about who I am. I've been so intensely angry with God at times that I thought I might spontaneously combust. I'm still very angry at God because I feel like he's abandoned me in my darkest night of the soul. I have lost almost all trust I ever had in health care professionals (except for my therapist) because I trusted a group of them and they betrayed that trust to protect their asses. What they did is why I wound up in the hospital where I experienced a kind of trauma that has left me with nightmares and flashbacks on top of the depression. That stint in the hospital set me back so far in my recovery that it took me months to get back to the place where I was prior to my hospital stay. In many ways, I'm still trying to claw my way back to where I was. Because of that loss of trust, I've also lost hope that this will ever really get better. I think the best I can get is a few good days or a couple of weeks (like I had over the holidays) here and there. Just enough to tease me into thinking that I might be finally coming out of it, only to crash all the harder when the good days end.

    I'm so tired of fighting this and trying to get better only to fail. It isn't that I want to die. I just don't want to keep going on like this with no end in sight. I want peace and happiness and joy. I want to feel love and closeness toward God again. I want to be able to live my life and enjoy living it. I want to be able to enjoy my children again instead of struggling with being cranky and irritable with them so much of the time. Depression has stolen so much more from me than my joy and I want it all back. The problem is that as much as I want to fight for these things, I find that I have next to nothing left to fight with because depression has stolen my strength and will to fight. I just don't have it in me anymore. I just can't see a reality where this doesn't end up killing me. So here I am at almost 3 am, trying to convince myself, despite everything, to keep fighting. I am getting sleepy now. I'd like to hope that a new day will bring better things, but I can't. For now, I'm going to close my eyes and attempt to rest.

    Ciao a tutti e buonanotte.

    ~Ana
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I wish I had real answers for you Ana but I do not. I know it has been a difficult year for you and i am sorry you have lost faith in so many things by I have faith that you are in fact a good person and that good things do eventually happen for good people. Nobody deserves good things more thna you and I hope they come soon . :hug:
     
  3. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    sounds a bit like you lost that link with the change.
    see it as a life lesson, you will find him again
    chin up
     
  4. AnaNg

    AnaNg Antiquities Friend

    Thanks for that, Ben. I appreciate your kind words.

    ~Ana
     
  5. AnaNg

    AnaNg Antiquities Friend

    Thanks, scaryforest

    ~Ana
     
  6. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    ((Ana)), wish I had the answers for you to ditch the damn depression.. also which I knew how to do the same for myself\!!! if did I would definitely share ... you are a good friend of mine who I love, respect and care about forever.;

    those middle of the nights when things start closing in on you is ok to message me here and we exchange messages or go meet in chat.. I do insomnia well..lol maybe at some point in future we exchange phone numbers.. just cause I woul dlove to hear your voice... take care, love, Jim
     
  7. AnaNg

    AnaNg Antiquities Friend

    Thank you, Jim. I am sorry you're going through this too. You have been such a kind friend to me and I am very glad we have connected. You are right that it seems like the night is when things start closing in on me. People don't usually think about insomnia and depression, but it is very common and, I think, worse than wanting to sleep all the time. At least when you are sleeping you get a bit of a break from feeling suicidal and dealing with the thoughts and urges that seem to accompany those feelings. I know you are a couple of hours behind me, so I'm never quite sure if you are up when I am up at midnight or 1 am my time. Maybe we could exchange emails and figure out our respective schedules. I'll PM you.

    ~Ana
     
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