Struggling

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Adam, May 28, 2014.

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  1. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    I am really struggling, want to let go of imposed self control. I honestly don't want to do this any more. Taxi for the day hospital will pick me up shortly, I just can't be bothered with any of this. Same shit over and over again.
     
  2. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Keep your head up. Keep yourself going.. keep dreaming. It's important, and you are important. I know it can hurt, and beyond that. But no matter what gets in your way, you can overcome it. Just keep going, and be kind to yourself. You'll strengthen yourself. Just keep your head up and breath.

    Hope it goes ok today for you
     
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm in agreement with the other post. Yes it's hard but I have faith in you. Do not get down, you can do it. Please do not fret and take care.
     
  4. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    sorry you are having such a tough time my friend...

    tell me, what kind of thing could you do that isn't "ordinary" and not harmful... that would maybe make life "interesting" at least temporarily ... not necessarily "better"... just to get you out of the rut of "same ol', same ol' " ?

    shopping?
    walking?
    going to a restaurant?

    anything you can think of at all?
     
  5. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    I am just not going to go today. Got better things to do than be bored and colour in and eat bland food. There is nothing interesting, and even if there were I am broke because I bought stupid shit. The rut is not a rut it is more a feeling. It can be summed up as I don't want to be tormented by my mind any more. I don't want to have to fight any more. There is nothing I even want. It all just feels like existing because I happen to exist.
     
  6. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    i get that feeling but usually it is right after a failed attempt or after i have had a bad case of suicidality which i or someone else talked me down from... is that the case with u?
     
  7. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    I am in a state of not caring, I am usually helpful and loving. But lately fuck all people, I have too much hate and would rather play computer games. I can't be bothered. Suicide as an option is definitely stalking me. I am struggling to counter argue with it. I am definitely in a sort of crisis. But it is more lack of caring to the point I am just not watching what I am doing, nor even caring enough to stay on top of basic things like food or hygiene or even tact. Because why bother? I just laugh hysterically at things. I am getting more support from my CPN at the moment but ultimately what difference does it all make. I have no answers or solutions and just have got to the point where if lack of caring could stop my heart, I would be gone already. I have chosen living death and am simply getting further medicated. It is not life per se but it keeps every one happy. Seems better than the torture of my mind. So fuck it I will be a zombie.
     
  8. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Life's hard, and it's worth it at the sametime. If you aren't doing and exploring life, you're effectively consuming the life that you know and have. For me, atleast, I understand the decay , especially in base routines and things that are essential in daily life.

    To a degree I understand care. And the struggle to connect with oneself and what exists in life. So many things skew and get in the way of caring, so it's important to be aware and honest with yourself. Which is generally a major problem with people who are depressed. It's easy to be too aware, or overly critical, or overwhelmed.. among an infinite things that make someone who they are. In my opinion there comes a point where building is important. And appreciating that there is other life here with us.

    Caring is a major issue.. because so much if not everything goes into that connection. So I will strongly emphasize to you, that it is worth it to eat properly. It is worth it to keep your hygiene up and environment tidy. It is worth it to go outside and breathe the air and feel nature. And it is extremely to make your life, your life. However you see that to be, remember it is yours and that you live and make it. You can drive yourself nuts and go to a goo mode if you cannot appropriate and maintain the simple things about yourself and your life, especially if you are considering larger things. Those small things are extremely important, but not so important that you squeeze them. You can end up hating and not caring about them, which can allow you to drop them. Don't do that. Keep them up. Learn more about yourself, and maintain who you are.
    And if it's bad, it'll probably hurt. But that is a part of life, and who you are matters in all points in life. So even if it hurts, keep going. You will grow stronger. You need to also curb you self dissecting and learn how to do it appropriately. There are techniques/ways of learning and appreciating yourself, without inadvertently hurting yourself. So basically.. be gentle, and use your own awareness.

    Above everything else. Do something you consider productive. Something that you want to be a part of your life today, and hopefully tomorrow. Keep your head up, and do something with it. You'll rekindle your motivation, because quite simply, it will be yours.
     
  9. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    Sblake thank you for your response it is very kind. Here is my lengthy pointless response. You are probably better off ignoring me. I am just a mental person right? Depressed, with a distorted world view...

    I have been building plenty. Recently we had disenfranchised youth get together with technologically illiterate lonely elderly. Both benefited from the knowledge of the other, we even filmed it as part of the Bridge the gap project. We even have some MPs on board who are desperate to tackle the NEETs problem. It went well, every one benefited and we intend to do more, YAY! Happiness party...

    But I feel nothing. It all does not matter or feel like anything. I was afraid the business was going to collapse after we ran into breach of contract issues with pathetic people. But that is all resolved barring our law suit. A new place has been found. Do I feel anything... no. My friends were celebrating, I did not even want to be in the restaurant or eat the celebratory meal. The atmosphere was like being assaulted. I don't want to be awake. Hours seem endless and there is such noise in my head. My usual coping method of gaming is doing nothing to relieve that noise. Hanging out with mates just feels more like something to do than something I enjoy. I even went to bed while they were round at one point. Woke up to find they had tidied my flat a bit. You would think that would make me feel better and loved but it just made me feel more shit and useless and with such a hostile thought why wont you let me go? I can tell I am causing them serious worry. This does feel like eight years ago.

    It is like some vital part of me has shut down and that gap is just filled with pure disinterest and a feeling of just being done. There is no justice. No happy ever after. Fracturing my wrist while opening Dr Pepper has given me a portents of my future.

    Why eat properly any way, food represents continued life I don't want. My issues with food stem a lot from that and just being tired to even cook or even chew really... or afford food of a reasonable variety that does not have sawdust or poison in it.

    I know plenty about my self, every aspect of myself is tired of the torture that is my mind when I cannot control it or get it do what I want it to consistently. It has persistently got in the way of everything I have tried and wrecked everything over and over again. I have hurt others due to it and am aware of the steady shift of having been somewhat independent to increasingly reliant on my mates. They are not meant to be carers and I have been refused access to care as I am not ill enough.... When is it enough? I am well aware I am feeding the depression right now. Read my old diaries, really bad idea! Especially as the same mental health cycle repeats within them. Watched the last film I had enjoyed with my partner before she passed from Leukemia. Again another bad idea. Reread the suicidal email from my friend Jason. A guy I looked up to as he also had Bipolar and seemed to cope well he was a significant inspiration. His early grave however tells a different story. The irony of all that is he is the one that saved my life and convinced me to keep going at a time I really could have just gone. What a fucking hypocrite; like many that exist on this spinning ball of cruel absurdities. The notion that people get stronger from hardship is false, some people never recover, my cousin is one of them. She is busy committing slow suicide now via drugs.

    Last year I had a taste of losing myself entirely, no insight at all and spent the longest time ever in the psych unit. Each year gets worse. I am scraping the bottom of the barrel of what mental health services have to offer.

    There is nothing I want to be part of. That is the issue, I feel next to nothing. My passion was teaching my love of science and logic to others. My other passion was assisting the vulnerable to get access to what they are owed. Instead I got used to the smell of corpses and denial of those corpses. The neglected relegated to a smell under the door. I tried to change the system from within, but when freedom of information request get denied. When the high courts are over ruled in favour of retroactive law. When there are double standards at work, it all just feels as hopeless and pointless as I fear it to be. This is not catastrophising this is reality. The reality is I am watching people being sold into a progressive kind of slavery devoid of literal chains but no less odious. Makes me glad I have no children. I am watching the health care I am reliant on evaporate. There is a massive shit storm coming and I have no desire to witness or even help against it, or even explain it any more. I have given up. Because seriously what is the point? Rearranging deckchairs on the titanic.

    Pain kills people and I am in severe mental pain. My awareness was once a strength but now it is just an awful hell. I got banned recently from a site that was informing people about how cabbage cures cancer. My crime was pointing out it does not and those studies are not recognised in any peer reviewed journals. But you know what fine. Forgo cancer treatment for cabbage. Less stupid people in the world will be the end result.

    Everything feels so derivative to me. I got out of assisting the vulnerable as its left me with severe reactive depression. I had hoped the business world would be less horrifying and absurd, a change of pace that would provide a positive future for myself. I was so wrong. It was meant to be new and exciting. But I am left with that same sick feeling as before. From when a client busy drowning in their own lung fluid is told they are fit for work and need to get a job stacking shelves.

    It all comes down to being tired and I am burned out on life. On trying. Of having to fight myself constantly. Of lazy people wanting sun shine and rainbows like they are owed them because they as a person exist. Of stupidity that seems to be rewarded. I am also fed up of psychopathy and such depths of cruelty it makes me want to kill people in response.

    I just feel done, I have nothing left. Because people do not want me to die I am choosing mental suicide as I refuse to exist in a state of agony solely for them. This combo of meds is linked with shrinking the frontal lobe and reduction in I.Q. It is also heavily sedating. I did at one point look into lobotomy. This is chemically pretty close in effect. As I am pretty homicidal at points it wasn't hard to convince them to medicate me to this extent.

    Sad thing is I think even this wont be enough to stop the noise or mental pain. We will see.

    My signature now just seems ironic.
     
  10. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am sorry for the way you are feeling Adam. I am here and I care, you know you can find me in chat if you need anything at all :hug:
     
  11. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    I wish I could take all your pain from you, my friend. I think you are one of the best people I have ever met in this world.... I know you probably won't believe that, but it is true. I know it sounds kinda crazy, maybe even preposterous... but, perhaps immigrating to another country would be a good change for you, a fresh start, etc. I know I brought that up to you once before and you said you'd thought of that but you don't know where to go... I have no real answers for that as I don't know much about any country other than the USA and atm I'm not too impressed by it... but I would suggest researching other countries/places both online and if you find someone either here or elsewhere on the internet that is from a place you find intriguing, ask them about it. At least this would give you a goal to work toward... I think thats the thing we all need. When we are devoid of a goal.... we just collapse on ourselves. You have lost your will to make goals I think because you are seeing how bleak things are where you are now.. and it has clouded your view for the entirety of the world. But not all nations, and even not all places within one nation .. run things exactly the same. I think thats worth looking into... just my point of view tho.

    Wishing you all the best

    *hugs*
     
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