I am within one mile of a multi-storey car park and have a 250ml bottle of a drug which would definitely kill me within reach. I hate myself and do not see any future. A colleague has a fraction of my problems and has everyone running around looking after her, giving her presents, weekends away and generally caring for her. I struggle to maintain relationships and have been diagnosed as having 'quiet BPD'. I can and do appear functional but frequently self harm and wish that I was dead. I have completely screwed up my life. On my second divorce and living with another abusive man, am about to lose my job, my adult child is rarely in touch and can't pay my bills. I have chronic pain and ongoing health problems. Why am I still here? I hate myself for being so self pitying and pathetic.